To have children or not to have children.....?

Question

Been married 2 yrs. My hubbie has a 17 y/o daughter from a previous relationship. I want to have children but he doesn't want to. We did not really discuss this before we got married and now I don't know what to do. I'm already 28, my Biological clock is ticking, and everytime I bring having a baby he freaks and we wend up arguing. He says that we are not financially stable, we don't own a home and we have no savings. I understand all that but I'm afraid of missing out. Maybe I need to see a shrink.....Any advice?

I would like to add.......my husband had this child his last year of high school and still tried to do the right thing. She got pregnant, dissapeared for 3 months and then showed up again telling him she was pregnant...she had already had two abortions while with him. He thinks she tricked him.....He faught a lot in court, had custody and then lost it after. She maily grew up with her mom and he sees her during the holidays and summer. He adores her and he is a good dad.

I understand that life has been tough on him and he has struggled a lot and sometimes I wonder if he is just super scared.

Sometimes I get frustrated....he rubs my belly as if I was pregnant, I tell him to stop and he continues...sometimes he asks me if that is his baby.....

Sometimes he says he wants to have another baby and sometimes he says he doesn't want to have one at all....

It keeps track on my ovulations better than me so I wonder if he is the one that needs to see a shrink.

Answer 1

If everyone who wanted kids waited until they were financially stable, owned a home and had a savings account, our population would die out.

Are those his only reasons, or is he doing it because of laziness? (I know that sounds harsh, but it's the only word I could think of to describe it.) I mean, does he not want the responsibility of a newborn again? (Diapers, middle of the night feedings, etc.)

Was he financially stable when he had his first child? If not, did he manage to raise her without anything horrible happening to her? If he did, I'd bring this up as a point to him.

Answer 2

Unfortunately, this is a big issue for couples that have children from previous relationships. The best time to discuss this would be before marrying, but afterwards, it sounds like you need a mediator to help in expressing your very real feelings to your husband. It is a different experience for a man and woman to have a child. He feels a lot of weight and responsibility, and you should understand that, too. Maybe he would just rather wait. I suggest BOTH of you see a counselor so you can each listen to each other's point of view. Marriage counselors deal with these issues frequently, and would be best able to help both of you come to terms with the fears you are having and make a decision either way. Good Luck!

Answer 3

i don't think he'll ever want another child, if you got pregnant, he'd be gone, he has a 17 yo, people with children that old don't usually want to add a new baby. i personally try not to even date people with little kids. it's a part of my life that is over(until i become a grandmother). a shrink is not going to help, badgering someone to do what you want will backfire on you ( AS WILL AN ULTIMATUM OR GETTING PREGNANT WITHOUT HIS CONSENT). you really should have discussed this before marriage, because it is serious enough that it could end your marriage. you do deserve to be a mother if that is what you want, but it may not be with this man, good luck

Answer 4

I am a little confused. Is he saying a definite "no" or just not until you become finally stable? If latter is true, 28 is not that old. If you really love him and if this is the only issue you are having, I would wait. However, if this is just an excuse and he really doesn't want another child, please re-assess your marriage. Also, what kind of father is he to his 17 y/o daughter? You need to ask yourself this question.

Answer 5

Sorry there is no easy answers here. If you didn't talk about having kids in your marriage before you were married that is really going to be a major problem in your marriage now. That is why communication is so VERY important before the marriage takes place. Now this is something that could very well come between you and your husband. I would suggest marriage counseling.

Answer 6

You should find out from him whether he would like children if your financial situation were better. In other words, would he agree to have children if you owned a home, had some savings, etc., or does he not want children at all?

Whatever you do, don't get pregnant without his support and agreement. At some point, you may have to choose between being childless with your husband and having children with someone else.

Answer 7

well to me having a baby is the most wonderful thing in the world i had a baby i did not have anything money home all a baby needs is love affection and attention i live in an apt. i can still afford a kid it dose not take a whole lot he need to chill out it might make thing good and he might be afraid of losing his other child if he has another one jealousy talk to him about it let him know how much it means to you

Answer 8

I would try to think of another angle from which to approach this issue with your husband or consider going to a marriage or couples counseler to have someone help mediate the issue for you. It is no fair of him to refuse you the experience of enjoying a baby just because he has already had that experience. You deserve children if you want children, don't let him keep you from that...

Answer 9

You guys need to compromise on this issue. If indeed you are financially unstable, it might be a good idea to wait for some time more, but unilateral 'no' is not an answer and your husband needs to admit that and meet you half way. Try talking to him again, but no need to scream and shout - this is a serious issue that possibly requires a lot of talking.

Answer 10

If you have a child and he really does not want one, it 'can' destroy your marriage. Are you willing to risk that. Ask yourself this "Can you have a happy marriage with him without ever having a child" -- if the answer is no, then I would suggest either marriage counseling or divorce. As you mentioned, this really should have been determined before the wedding. Good Luck