Why is it that my wife can complain about her parents but I can't complain about her parents?

Question

Her parents aren't abusive, but they're sooo annoying! And well my wife will complain about them but every time I do she gets defensive! Isn't this a sort of double standard. Isn't she being a bad wife by not allowing me to talk about her parents?

Answer 1

1.) "Honey, do these pants make me look fat?"
vs
2.) "I'm not wearing these pants, they make me look fat."

If you recognize the danger in example 1. even while having heard example 2. in the past, then you have your answer.

Answer 2

Not a bad wife......please remember that she is simply releasing some pent up anger about her parents when she talks about them,,but she loves them with all her heart! When you speak about them,, well let's face it,, you haven't earned the right to nor do you love them the same way she does. Think about it, you are her soul mate and she should be able to discuss things with you that she would not say in front of anyone else on this planet. Can you be supportive?

Answer 3

It is because she knows she loves them even though they are annoying. Most people tend to rip on people in their own clan (or group) and then get very defensive when someone outside the group rips on that person.
My wife is the same way. Her brother was married to my sister and they went through a divorce. My wife would rip my sister all the time to her friends but if I ever mentioned that her brother was a drunk she would get pissed at me.
I feel for you.

Answer 4

My husband does the same thing. Heaven forbid I say a word against his mom. And even if it is a statement of fact (as opposed to opinion) it doesn't matter. Get used to biting you tongue.

I agree with a lot of the earlier posts. An attack on their loved one is an attack on them and they hit back. Funny, isn't it? Kinda makes you feel like despite marriage and commitment, etc. that you're still the outsider, because the fact that you are on their side is clearly lost . . .

Oh, sorry, now I've rambled on into my life and issues.

Answer 5

shes not being a bad wife but you guys need to find a way to work through this.

tell her that you feel strongly inclined to complain about her parents when she does. ask her to stop complaining about them or to tolerate you doing the same without her getting defensive.

hopefully she will understand. if she continues her behaviour cut her off before she finishes her complaint and remind her of what you said.

if that doesnt work feel free to complain about them too - if she gets defensive again, remind her of what you told her before and say no more.

Answer 6

That is the way it is. You can complain about your wife too, but I bet you don't want your friends or coworkers to talk badly about her. Just accept it and listen to her gripe. Be supportive without saying much.

Good luck.

Answer 7

It is kind of like w/ siblings (I can pick on my little bro, but if you do it, I'm kicking your a$$). She is part of parents, so she can say stuff about them, but you can't b/c then she (unconsciously) thinks that you are somehow talking about her, so she gets defensive. My husband is the same way, so I feel for ya!

Answer 8

Well look at it this way. Why can you talk about your wife and you wouldn't allow anyone else to do so. And there is your answer. Short, but effective.

Answer 9

Human's love the double standard. Muslims can kill each other but if an infidel kills one, it's a holy war.

Answer 10

no i understand how that works my fiance is the same way he can complain and vent about his parents but i am not aloud to say a word, i think it is normal.

Answer 11

because they are not you parents. She might still love them even though they are abusive. My man talks bad about my mom but I don't care (if you want to know why read my last question).