Its my wedding , I should decide how it goes. Am I being unreasonable?

Question

After telling my mom about my engagement she seemed happy and said that she would pay for most of my wedding. I found a venue that I loved but found that it was more expensive than I realised. My mom said it didn't matter, she would still pay for it. However, she suddenly changed when I told her more about how I wanted the wedding to be. I don't do "traditional" and wanted my wedding to reflect that. I wasn't sure what colour dress I wanted but I knew I didn't want white/ivory. I then saw a beautiful red dress in a magazine and decided that was the colour I wanted. My mom went mad. I also mentioned that I wanted to get married in October cos thats when we met. But my birthday is 30/09 so the begining would be too close so I chose the end. I made the mistake of joking that it would be close to Halloween, but it wasn't planned that way. Now my mum has refused to pay for the wedding unless I change my mind about the date and the dress colour. Is my mum right to do this?

Answer 1

She's not right to do what she's doing but if you start to word it in another way, she may come around.

First, explain to her that you want a unique wedding dress that reflects your personality and that a red dress is what you feel comfortable in. You can also point out that if you are not comfortable in the dress she chooses for you to wear (or rather the colour) than it will reflect in how you feel that day and, consequently, in your face and demeanor which will show up in the pictures. I'm sure she wants you to have beautiful pictures that reflect the happiness and excitement of the day and if you don't feel comfortable in what you're wearing, the best photographer in the world won't be able to fix that.

As for the date, explain to her that you were just kidding around and that it's not like you're going to have some spooky Halloween goth theme to your wedding. I'm not saying that a theme like that is wrong, but I get the feeling that you are not going after that kind of theme for your wedding day. Explain to her the significance of October and that the wedding will be tasteful yet unique to your personality and your fiance's personality. As for changing the date, if you've already put a deposit down on the venue, you may not be able to change the date, especially if it is booked for an alternative date that you choose.

Your mom raised you so I'm sure she realizes that "traditional" won't work for you. In the end, it won't reflect all of your wonderful, unique qualities that she has grown to love about you. Hope the suggestions help. Best of luck

Answer 2

I had a similar problem - except my mother said if I didn't change the location of my reception, she wasn't even going to ATTEND my wedding. (Granted, I hope she wasn't serious about that.) She also became enraged at the fact that I wanted to have "casual" food at the reception...BBQ & such. So, my solution was actually to say "fine, you're in charge of the food and the venue if YOU pay for it all." Anyway, we got it all worked out and compromised with the venue a nice botanical garden and the food a combination of casual & fancy. My suggestion? Forget about your "rights" as a bride to have your wedding your way. Forget about your mom's "rights" to have her motherly say. Have you SHOWN each other what you each have in mind? My mom and I were only able to agree to compromise when we had both gotten a better picture of what the other had in mind...and it turned out to be not as different as we thought. That is, I actually had to VISIT the venue my mom wanted, and she had to look at the menu I wanted. I think a "harvest" style wedding, bright colors and all, will sit better with her if you explain the significance of the timing and make it meaningful - go so far as to discuss the wording of the invitations, so that it's still a formal affair but one that reflects your unique style. There's no reason why your wedding can't be traditional AND different. Although technically you should "have your way," everyone is going to be a lot happier if the bride AND the mother of the bride are satisfied with the arrangement. Weddings are complex enough that there are a million ways to combine different ideas, and the end result can be beautiful and elegant. Neither of you have bad intentions - fully understanding the others' standpoint might make both of you see things differently and able to form a cohesive plan. Good luck!!!

Answer 3

No, it's unfair to offer you money only if you obey her wishes. It's your special day, and you want to remember it being the happiest day of your life. I guess if your mother will not help you out, you will have to work out a way to pay for the wedding yourself. It may mean cutting down on the costs, or having your fiance help you out, but despite financial limitations, it will still be YOUR day, and not your mother's.

Try talking to your mother and explain that just because it's not traditional does not mean it cannot be beautiful, and that it will still hold the same meaning. Times are changing, and not everyone is virginal at their time of marriage, which is what the white dress symbolised initially. Also, not everyone is religious and wants to marry in a church. As such, wedding ceremonies have moved on, and are now more free and personal to an individual's tastes.

Don't let anyone dictate to you how yoir wedding should do. It's your big day, and you don't want to ever regret it, you want to look back on it with pure delight, which you won't if it's not how you want it to be. Don't compromise on that. Either speak to your mother and make her see your point of view, or try to fund your wedding some other way.

And I'm sure you'd look divine in red.

Answer 4

I think your mother has the right to make some decisions, but not deciding what dress you wear and when you get married. But if you fight with her about it, you will get nowhere fast.

Talk to your mom without fighting. Let her know WHY you are choosing these dates. Why is October a bad month to get married???? I'm getting marred 9/29, I see nothing wrong with a wedding that time of year! Just let her know that you were kidding about it being a Halloween wedding. And let her know that a white/ivory dress just does not suit your personality. Wouldn't it be uncomfortable to host a wedding that wasn't "normal" for you?

Answer 5

Yes, its your wedding and you should be happy. But she also has every right to deny funding to you. She doesn't have to give you any money for the wedding, especially if you don't want a traditional one. Remember it's traditional for the bride's family to pay for the wedding, but since you don't do traditional, then that doesn't apply to you.

You can either say thanks and try to work with her, or you can say that you want it done your way, but be prepared to pay for it yourself. It really boils down to what means more to you.

It's a tough situation to be in. Perhaps there are ways that you and your mom can compromise, so that you're both happy (or happy enough to get by)? In the end, your wedding is about celebrating your marriage to the man you love, not about the decorations or the food. Your wedding will be wonderful no matter what.

Best of luck!

Answer 6

I heard somewhere that a bride gets the wedding her mother always wanted. You are not being unreasonable. I can also understand where your mother is comming from - however, that doesn't mean I agree with her. I think the best answer would be compromise - for example would it be possible for you to pay for the dress while allowing your mother's contribution to go more towards something you can both agree on? I sincerly hope you manage to sort this out with your mum and that you have a lovely wedding - a fellow bride-to-be x

Answer 7

First off, this may be your wedding but your mom is funding it. If you were paying for it, there wouldn't be this problem. But she is and now you have to realize that you don't have all the control.

What does your fiance think? It seems that with all this "me! me! me!" talk, he's been left out of the equation. Does he agree with the wedding talks right now?

Try this with your mom--go have a chat with her. By chat I mean sit down, be mature, don't get whiny, don't get pushy, don't use the "but it's myyyyyyyyyy wedding", act like an adult, and listen to her. I suggest talking to her about your dream wedding--ask her what would help her to be okay with your unique wedding.

You will probably have to compromise. Do you really need the date in October, or could you change it to September? Yes that's when you first started dating, but where could you start to compromise?

Look at what's important to you--the dress color or the date. Yes, it's your wedding. Yes, it's your dream wedding. BUT you have a group to work with now. Bring your fiance along for later talks.

Be honest with your mom. If there are other things you are considering, let it out in the open NOW.

Answer 8

You have every right to decide on details like when, where and the color of your dress, as long as your groom is in agreement, you're not being unreasonable.

However, your mother also has every right not to pay for a wedding she finds objectionable, though her reasons might be a little... let's say ...petty... it is her money and, although there is a strong social tradition in place, she has no legal obligation to pay anything towards your wedding day.

Anyway, you'll need to find an alternate source of funding and have the daring and romantic wedding you dream of, or you'll need to compromise on the details that are upsetting your mother so she feels comfortable paying for your affair. The choice is up to you.

Good Luck!!

Answer 9

If you want your mom to pay for it, you need to compromise. I personally don't know why she cares if the wedding is close to Halloween, but she is your mom. You need to sit down and talk this over with her. And I really don't understand why you would want to wear a red dress. We did not do all of the traditional stuff, either, but I did wear a white knee-length dress. We got married outside in flip flops, hawaiian shirts, and khakis. And we were married by a notary, not a minister. There are lots of traditional things that we skipped, but I won't bore you with it all. The point that I am making is that there are other ways to show your personality and other silly traditions that you can skip. A white dress symbolizes the purity of the bride (even though most of us aren't), but more importantly it's the purity of the unity of two people who love each other very much. I would go with a white, ivory, or even a cream dress, and try to compromise with your mother about the date. Although I do believe she's being a little ridiculous about that. Whatever you do, good luck!!

Answer 10

It's your wedding-do what you want. I know it's a big load for your parents to not pay now, and you having to foot the bill. My fiance' and I are getting married in November, and we wanted things our way, and that way we're paying for it all by ourselves. Our parents give us money sometimes along the way, but for the most part, we're paying for it-we can afford it though, some people can't. It just depends on the size of wedding you're having! But you shouldn't feel bad, this is your day. I think you should sit your Mom down and let her know that she agreed from the beginning to pay for the wedding and then all of a sudden change her mind? That's not fair to you. Maybe you should both agree on a budget, and everything YOU want that fits into that budget she would agree on-even the RED wedding dress...haha...GOOD LUCK GIRL!