please help... is it emotional abuse?

Question

Im so confused. I used to be great, bubbly and happy but I've changed. It's all since I met my partner. Sometimes we are really goo and other's we argue really badly, he tells me how useless I am. We've just argued cos I was to do a boot sale to help raise some money to buy my 4 month old son a walker. He gone mad cos I asked him to help and he wants to go out and do what he want's. He say's it's my fault for demanding him to do it. He put's me down, if I stand up for my self he says other's only like me cos they don't really know me. I've lost all my confidence.He wont talk about the problem he just ignores me if I try. what do I do. I'm so confused, my son's only 4 months old, I don't want him affected but I love the guy. when were good he say's he loves me too, but when were bad he hates me, im no good for him. I help him and do everything I can for him. I only want him to be happy. Is this emotional abuse?I dont know what to do.

he also says that if I end it he'll take my son away half the time, that he'll tell the courts that it's my fault were not together and they will let him.can he do this?

Answer 1

Sure anyone can ... just depends on what kind of person you have deal with.
Look there are many different kind of people in the world and everyone has some minus for something BUT someone has less and someone has more.Obviously ur partner has more!
I would not argue about your error of judgement for ur partner cause is too late now.. but i would try to help you
1)First try to speek with him and tell him how you feel and that u feel insecure about his love and that you are a person who deserve better treatment specialy from the one with who you will share the rest of your life...
2)If it goes the same and if you don't have such straing to deal with the law and devorceing thing try to contact with some of your friends and tell them ur problem, together you can do much more
3)If you do such a step then you must get the power to defend your own rights like a woman,mother and human beeing, don't get upssesed with his threat afterall you are telling the true not he..and also fight till the end !!!!
Good Luck

Answer 2

Uh, speaking as an Air Force paralegal with a background of over 13 years in miltary justice and having dealt with dozens of cases like this, your answer is a definite YES. It is emotional abuse. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but this guy you're hooked up with is a spoiled, selfish, manipulative loser. Any time your partner is putting you down to such an extreme degree, it's emotional abuse. Do yourself a favor and get out -- NOW. I can chisel it in stone for you that it WILL NOT get better. The more you listen to someone telling you that you're worthless, the more you start to believe it. Don't let this guy destroy your self-esteem. And don't buy the crap about how he's going to take your son away from you -- the courts ALWAYS favor the mother in custody hearings, and once you start laying out the type of emotional abuse he's been heaping on you, there's a very good chance the court will grant you sole custody of your son. Get out and take your son with you. You'll be glad you did in the long run.

Answer 3

Yes, this is emotional abuse. He's eroding your self-confidence and self-worth, and it's only going to get worse. You may love him, but in time this kind of treatment just makes you dependent.

The Childrens Act says that the courts put the needs of the child first, and they tend to try to get the parents to agree on how a child's time is split. If this isn't possible, they arbitrate so don't be afraid of this. It's a pain in the **** but no-one can force you into a 50:50 joint custody if you aren't willing to do it - you could insist on a residence order and the court would look at what setup would be best for the child. They consider all sorts of things including who cares for the child most often, and how much support there is from extended family.

The most dangerous thing to you and your child right now is youhaving your self-worth taken away from you. You MUST face this, and how is up to you. My advice - it might seem like the world will end if you finish with him, but it won't and eventually your courage will return. If you do split, make sure you keep as much time with the child as possible, especially "staying contact" (nights). Get a diary and record everything that happens, with times, in case you ever need it.

Answer 4

Are you in love with him, or are you scared of him?
Do you think that you will not meet anybody again if you leave him?
Do you believe that you are ugly?
Do you believe that you are totally useless and helpless without him and that you will not be able to look after your son on your own?
Possibly all those questions are running through your head; They went through mine.
I wasn't scared of my husband, but I had lost my self confidence, self respect and have two children. I also loved him though.
Anyway, I did it.
Had enough and despite all what I knew was against me, I stopped the marriage.
I am not totally happy now; But much happier.
I have found my self confidence and respect back.
I care for my two children, and I keep being told that I'm HOT!
No, I don't sleep around or do any of that nonsense. But it feels good to hear that you are good looking.
It's not easy; It's been very hard actually; But after trying very hard to make things work, I came to the conclusion that it was a matter of life and death and had to do something about it.
It IS emotional abuse. And whether your boyfriend does it on purpose or not, taking a break from him, should make him reconsider and think hard if he deserves a future with you.
If you don't think you're worth it, then babe nobody will!
Good luck.
I know it's hard, but you do have to stand up for yourself; How could you teach it to your child then?
You need to draw the lines somewhere. Even for yourself.
What is acceptable for others may not be for us. So what goes in your books? Decide and react!

Answer 5

Start documenting the abuse now, date,time,what he says, what is going on at the time he says it, even what he does in retailiation.Document all of this. Document how you provide support everyday for your family. Sounds ridiculous I know, but when it comes to court, you can't possibly be expected to remember every instance of abuse. Evidently you have grown used to the abuse, that is why you have retreated into your shell like a turtle. That is why you aren't bubbly or happy, nor perhaps do you have the will to get out of this predicament. But you most thrive for your 4 month old. Verbal abuse can be more damaging then physical abuse, at least, if you are hit the scars are visible, but being belittled everyday eats away at your soul, and Who can see that? Other than those that are close to you, no one. My advice to you, is this. Seek counsel with or without his knowledge. Tell them everything-all of it, including his threats. THis is important. If he hits you because you start to get better and his brainwashing starts to wear off, then call the police. Protect yourself and child. Sock money away secretly or in a new account. YOu said boot sale, so I assume you are from the UK, I am not sure what the name of the laws are there for this, but here in the States, we have orders of protection. People can not make direct threats of violence, and if they do, one can go to court and get a restraining order. Even if you do not work, and are dependent on your government for assistance, does not mean you have to put up with this. Check into council housing, or start making arrangements with a relative. Do all you can to give yourself a cushion to fall on. You and your child deserve better,and you know this. You are strong and vibrant, this has not disappeared, simply hidden because you are in a protective mode. Break the cycle of abuse now for your own sake and your lovely baby. One good parent is enough to raise a child.
Good Luck!

Answer 6

Yes it is emotional abuse,something you must not let happen. Sounds very much to me as if this person is very immature and rather spoilt and having his own way.That said,you must remember,all couples argue,sometimes throw things,also you have not long had a baby,which must be adding pressures to your relationship. You may also,without realising it be suffering a certain amout of "baby blues",which is perfectly normal.
May I suggest,to start with,go to see your doctor,explain how you feel,and ask him/her if it could be down to "baby blues". Once that is resolved,then take a second step,and have a long hard look at your relationship. Ask yourself some questions,is your partner destroying your feelings for him? Do you truly love him? Do you see yourself with him for the rest of your life. Will he ever change?Will he continue to insult you,by telling you that you are useless?After you have thought about all this,then you must talk to your partner.You must stand firm in your descisions,don't let him belittle you,and most of all,believe in yourself!!
Regarding your son.Your partner will have to prove you are an unfit Mother,before any court will have your child removed from you. Don't let him scare you into submission.My advice is to walk away from this relationship,care for yourself and young son. Get some help.

Answer 7

Girl I could just slap you,just so you would wake up,dont let him do this to you,I watched my neice go threw this crap and now that poor girl doesnt even know if she is a person anymore,it only gets worse and worse.The first thing you need to do for the sake of your baby and finding out if there is a chance this will work is:when he does this reach deep within yourself and do not let it affect you in anyway,yes it will be damn hard but show no emotion when it comes to his bullshit,you can show it when he is not around,be that happy bubbly person no matter what and when he yells or says your wrong,with a smile say whoops,sorry and bounce on about your way,before long he will get the hint that his controlling crap isnt working with you anymore,otherwise you let him keep doing it,he will take you down to your lowest point,this is your life and only you can make it what you want it to be,with or without him,oh and they always threaten to use the children,dont let that scare you,they dont have time nor patients for children,they just use them as an excuse to scare the hell out of women,take control now

Answer 8

Oh Rachy, what a pickle.

You have to realise that this is Mental and emotional abuse of a very high level.
I think you already know what the answer to your question is, and you want to be told that it will be OK.
I'm sorry, but I can't tell you that.
Your "man" seem to be a control freak that has control of your every move. He is a bully and needs to be shown that you are a strong intelligent woman who can do better.
Please if not for your sake, then for the sake of your son, you must get help to get away from this man.
Woman's Aid will help you to do this.

He doesn't sound like he will ever be happy whatever you do for him. I stayed with my ex for 6 years and in the end it very nearly killed me.

I hope that you find your happiness with your son.

Answer 9

Yes!! This is abuse. I was also in an abusive relationship so i know how you are feeling right now. They tell you you are useless and you start to believe them. You also start to believe that it is all your fault that he is behaving like this. You think that you cannot leave because its all your fault and no one else will ever want you because you are such an unlovable person. His behaviour is only going to get worse. With my ex it started like this and then once all my confidence and self worth had gone he started beating me up. He beat me up while i was pregnant and my son was born disabled. You have to get away from him NOW!! Don't tolerate his behaviour any more. He is the one with problems, not you. He does not deserve you and your son does not deserve to live in this environment. You are a very love able person so don't let him tell you otherwise. He wants to keep you down so he can treat you however he wants and his threat to take your son is only a threat. HE WILL NOT GET YOUR SON!! I know this from experience. You are a fantastic person and a fantastic caring mother. Start believing in yourself. If you want to talk feel free to contact me. All the best honey x

Answer 10

Ma'am, it's not worth it. I can tell from your question how upset you are. I wish I could fully understand the pain. This may be hard to hear, but you must strongly consider leaving him. The kind of pain he's forcing on you can lead to only one place, and you don't want to go there, I've been to that place myself, suicide is not pretty (it wasn't successful either).
Go and see a solicitor, I am no expert but your guy has no legal right to take your son as long as you treat him good, but see a lawyer to confirm. Then make the ultimatum: he treat's you better or you walk. There are only two ways he'll respond. But you must hold him to his answer.
You seem far too good for him and his actions, don't accept them. He says you have no friends, but you have one now. If you need to talk you may always contact me for help and advice.
I wish there was more I could do, where you go from is a choice only you can make. But in the end do what's best for you and your son.
Good Luck