How do I do this??

Question

I have to take my daughter to a contact centre to see her dad who was violent towards me infront of her. She is terrified of him. She is only 3 and has been referred to counselling as her personality has totally changed since last incident 5 weeks ago. She has not seen him since and when I try to mention it in an exciting way..I even manage to put my personal feelings of what a total ******* he is to one side, and make it sound good. She becomes hysterical. How, as her mum, someone who is meant to protect her from the bad guys, do I take her to see someone who she feels so scared of? Any advice please to make it easier for her..I'm lost on how to help her now.

I should add, this is what my solicitor has advised instead of going to court. He said it shows I am not being unreasonable. Maybe I should just run away with her!

Answer 1

If she is that terrified of him I would give her more time, she is too young to even try and understand why adults do what they do. He was an idiot for being violent in front of her. If a court is not forcing you to have her see her father I would not do it right now. I understand that you are trying to do the right thing but your daughter needs you the most. If you are being forced I would ask for more time any child psychologist should know how traumatic this could be on a child. I wish you the best of luck, just reassure your daughter how much you love her and that you would not let anything bad happen to her. I am not sure of the actual circumstances of your situation when you say violent how bad was it? It sounds bad, and if that's the case fight it. Do what's best for your daughters state of mind. And of course most of all pray to God to help you and your daughter get past this hard time in your life and it will get better. God Bless You. I have two daughters and I know there is no other love like a mothers love. I will pray for you.

Answer 2

Can you demand that the father be assessed for his ability to protect the daughter by apoligising to the mother in the absence of and then, later, in front of the daughter, or otherwise, no deal? If he loved his daughter would he not treat the mother with the respect she deserves for having carried his baby? If he cannot accept his error, sincerely speaking, then is he really entitled to come and and disturb the already difficult situation? Sorry for all these questions but they are to help you think things through and reconsider the situation so that you know what the first step should be: If the father is so ignorant then he should be punished and forced to apologise to the mother and the daughter and, possibly, even the mother's parents and the elders (or magistrate who is like the elder) of the community. Or charged and punished. He ought to be fined about L.3000- L.5,000, in any case. The money should go into the daughter's account for therapy. He should not be allowed near the daughter. I would sue him for damages BIG TIME.

Answer 3

I really feel for you. I pressed charges against my three year old sons dad earlier this year after 5 years of violence. My son witnessed very little fortunately but still comes out with remarks that make me realise he knows. The best thing you can do is what is right for your daughter RIGHT NOW. I know it's hard but forget the future for awhile, right now she's traumatised and scared of her dad and rightfully so. If she does not want to see him don't try to persuade her. I know people will disagree but the dad gave up all rights when he acted badly in front of her. You shouldn't have to glorify him or change her opinion of him, let her reach her own decisions about him naturally or she may become even more confused. Let him take you to court. You say she has been refferred to a counsellor, any judge will believe contact with the father will not benefit the child and the counsellor will back this. At the end of the day, when your daughter has grown up, she will not resent you for not knowing her dad when you explain that at the time she did not want to see him. I used to be scared that my son would blame me for keeping him away from his dad but when he is old enough he can get to know his dad, i'll never stop him, then he can make his own mind up. All we can do is try to work out what is best for them right now, what path will help them fully develop into happy untroubled children? Hope you realise it's not the path her father is on. Good look and i really really hope your daughter returns to her natural self soon.xxx

Answer 4

Your daughter may only be 3 but shes is old enough to tell you what she does and doesnt want. If she doesnt want to see him, you as her mother should accept her wishes, if u can get it on tape or film or somehting, or even ask your solicitor too, then when it goes to court you have evidence, by taking her to see him you could be doing more damage than good, she is obviously petrified.

My sons father hit be alot, the last time being when he was 6 months old and in my arms, he is now 2 months of his fourth birthday and his dad is around but not alot (every8-10weeks for 3 hours) even now when my ex gets close my son shouts and screams etc. If me and my partner who has bought my son up mess about and he tickles me etc my son has huge screaming fit and cries as he thinks im being hurt. Children are extremely smart, i know it hards to beleive at 6 months he took that in, even my mum had trouble beleiving he rememeebrd until she witnessed it for herself.

I think the best thing is keeping her away for a bit, letting her settle know shes safe and secure and let the court sort it.

I really hope all goes well for you, its a horrible position to be in, and you can tell what a loving mum you are by trying to keep the bond between father and child, but sometimes you just have to be hard and keep her safe :)
x

Answer 5

Someone needs to be advocating for the child. Is there a social worker involved? If not, maybe there should be. I just can't imagine that forcing her into a situation which she already finds terrifying is going to improve things. Perhaps her counselor could offer a perspective on whether or not to do this, since the counselor really should be looking at ONLY you daughter's best interest- not her dad's, not yours, not anyone elses.

Answer 6

I am goign thru a simular situation with my great-nephew who has been living with me. He has been court ordered to see his Biological mother who abandon and abused him. Because he is now 4 1/2 yrs old they say (1) he is too young to remember the abuse (2) he is too young to have an opinion
I have countless times thought of disappearing with him to save him. In reality this is not an answer. I would change who is doing my legal representation if I were you. You should know tho...most courts want to see parent/ child reunification. My little guy goes crazy on the way to and from the visits and then does "ok" in the visits. Kids will do what they have to. They are very adaptive. I hate taking him to these visits because of the emotional stress on him. BUT if I were to run away with him he could be removed from me permanently and returned to his abuser...and I would be behind bars unable ot help him. My advise, again...change legal representation and follow thru with what you have to until you can get the situation changed.

Answer 7

I so feel for you and your daughter. the thing you have to remember is that what happens in your daughters life now will reflect what kind of person your daughter will be. It is a crying shame that he did that to you esp in front of your daughter. Explain to your solicitor how your daughter gets, or you go along for the next few sessions, and get her dad to send something nice back - try to advise her that 'daddy has bought you this - come with me next time to say thankyou. Just tell her that no one will be hurting you or her again. Other than that - leave the country. Good luck babe

Answer 8

I really truly understand you. The exact same thing happened to me. Try and get a solicitor who specialises in child welfare. Have you seen a court welfare officer yet? I had to see one because my ex husband was violent to me and my daughter did not want to see him so the court welfare officer had to take the case on to see if there was any grounds. In the end the court realised that making my daughter see her dad when she did not want too would be a mistake. I will be honest you will probably have a battle on your hands but I wish you good luck.

Answer 9

And what would running away teach her? That one can run away from life simply because they don't like the rules? That's totally irresponsible. First of all stop trying to make it sound exciting, she knows it's a lie and you are only perpetuating it. Just tell her that this is the way it is. You understand that id makes her unhappy but sometimes we have to do things that makes us unhappy, it's a part of growing up. My question is why doesn't your lawyer think you have a case in court?

Answer 10

This child knows better than ne one that she doesnt want to go see him. Is it court ordered that she see him? If it is then you may as well go see him. But if not he has no right to see her. Hell, he doesnt have a right to see her neway. If she gets hysterical just saying you r going to see him, then just imagine how she is going to be when she actually sees him. Its not going to be good for her. And whatever you do, dont run off with her. I know you were most likely joking, but dont if u wernt. You could get into more trouble for that, and in some states they would give the father the child or put her in a home. You wouldnt want that.

Oh, I also wanted to say that you r a strong person. Im proud of you for getting yourself and your child out of that situation.:)