serious discipline question, how would you handle this situation?

Question

My 9 year old son went with a neighbor boy and illegally entered someone elses home and took their toys, ate their food, and played the game stations while they were on vacation. The wind blew open the door, so they didn't break in. The family is one that we know well, this has been very embarrassing for me as a mother. I thought I taught him better, How would all you parents out there handle this situation.

The police have been notified by the caretakers of the house while the owners are away. The police left the decision to prosicute up to the owners. What should I do?

for those that think it was not possible for the wind to blow the door open, where i live we had a very bad storm that had wind gusts of over 70mph. it is double doors and only one of them was locked shut. so the other one was able to blow open.

Answer 1

1) Do not shield him from the consequences of his actions. Explain to him that he made the choice to do what he did for whatever reason (peer pressure, stubborness). He may be prosecuted, and he may have to deal with the consequenes himself, that's out of your hands.

2) State firmly that this kind of behavior is not acceptable in your family. You'll always love him, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with this kind of behavior. Keep the focus on his behavior. Make sure he understands that he is not a bad kid, but people may think that about him because of the stunt he pulled.

3) Explain to him that sometimes actions can't be undone--you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. Tell him to imagine that he'd come home from school to find crumbs all over his room, some of his favorite things (name them) gone or ruined with soda spilled on them. Would an apology be enough?

If he found out one of his friends had done it (might be best to make up a name that doesn't belong to one of his friends), how long would it take, what would that friend have to do, before your son trusted that friend again? Ask him what he himself would have to do before your neighbor family trusted him again. Is it a sure thing?

The Chinese word for "crisis" includes the characters for "danger" and "opportunity". There's an opportunity for your son to learn a valuable lesson about trust and betrayal here if you play this right. Somewhere, you have to give him the opportunity to at least try to make it right.

Answer 2

What!? Ok, kids will be kids, however, that was just unacceptable. Now, do i believe that the neighbors would leave to go out of town and leave their door open so that the wind will just blow it open? NO and neither should you. BUT let's just talk about what they did. First question, do you spank your child? If you do, he should have gotten a spanking way before you even typed this question. Second, if not, how do you punish him? If he doesn't get a spanking, then you should have some form of punishment that has some consequences, (and i don't beleive in just punishment, I got a good old fashion behind whipping when i was a child and I turned out just fine..) such as taking away something that he really likes to do, sometimes it's televisions, play stations or xbox's etc, not leaving the house, which he's only nine so he shouldn't have been anywhere without you not knowing where he was, but i don't blame you, you raise your child how you see fit, i'm only answering the question....anyway, if he likes sports, not allowing him to play, etc, but he has to understand that what he did was wrong. Some people lecture their child, but words go in one ear and out the other, so it can't just stop there. Now after saying all that, let me say to you that we can raise our kids by our standards, but they live by their own, meaning no matter how well we raise them, they have to know right from wrong, because we can't be with them 24/7. So i'm not judging your parenting skills, i'm just trying to get you to understand how serious this is. Ok, say the neighbors, don't press charges, that would be a good thing, but will your son realize what he did was wrong and not do it again?? And perhaps the neighbors want to teach him a lesson, that's a violation of their home, their privacy and press charges, he's a minor however that will let him know that what he did was wrong because their actions will prevoke consequences. If he were my son, i would have tore his behind up! Point Blank! no questions asked. Then, i would have marched his behind over there and made him apologize to the family for what he did and tried to come up with some compromise that will settle things between myself and the neighbors and then he would be on punishment for a month, school and home, that's it! I pray that all goes well and that you get this situation straightened out. I also hope your son realizes what he did wrong and refrains from doing such again, because anything could have happend to him, they could have had a dog in there and so on, but i hope he understand what he did, be sure to talk to him about it and doesn't do it again.

Answer 3

I am a mother of a 25 year old, an 11 year old, and a 2 year. Long story. But the point is, I have had my share of "incidents" to deal with. First of all, you, as his parent, can be held financially responsible for his actions. Second, at the age of 9, he already knows better. Whether the door was open or not is not the issue. They entered without permission and took what they knew was not theirs. If you know the family well, then the first thing you should do is take your son to their house and sit down with them to talk about the seriousness of what he did. Let the family know that you take discipline seriously and that you intend to "right" the situation. Then have your son make a contract with you and the family outlining exactly what it is that he will do to replace the items taken and under what timeframe. Have everyone agree to this and even put it in writing for your son. At least if you offer to replace the damaged or missing items, perhaps they won't go so hard on you. Get it in writing though, so they can't come back later and start blaming other things on your son that he didn't do at all. Next, let your son know that he is too young to be left alone for a while, and make sure that he has an escort to and from school, and a sitter waiting at home if you can't be available. Watch him like a hawk for 3-4 months. He has to earn his trustworthiness back slowly for this to make an impression. Take priveleges away like HIS game-station, snacks and treats, and his toys. He should earn these things back one at a time through household chores and manual labor. Sounds rough, but it works. Your son is technically too young to go out and earn money to replace the items, but he can also do chores to earn them back through you. You should make the family whole immediately by replacing the items in question, so they don't sit and stew over this, but let them know that your son is working it off and that he is grounded until his debts are repaid. It is possible that the other family will shy away from you after this situation, and that your son will no longer be welcome in their home. It is hard to rebuild trust once it is broken. Be firm and respond to the situation quickly so that he doesn't think he got away with something, and the family does not escalate the matter. Also, have a similar meeting with the other boy's parents and let them know what you are doing and let them know that the boys cannot play together until they both demonstrate responsibilty. It is tough being a parent sometimes, but all of you will get through this.

Answer 4

How very odd they would go on vacation without locking the door so that it would blow open! An open door might be viewed as an attractive nuisance. That aside, what your child did was wrong and of course you have taught him better, but kids always test the boundaries. If the neighbor decides to prosecute, that will be part of his punishment. Whether they do or not, it will be up to you to mete out appropriate consequences and stick with it. It is important not to "bail him out" because it will only teach him to get by with things. I'd suggest working out a plan with the neighbors where your child (supervised by you) will be responsible for some not-so-pleasant chore for the neighbors. Perhaps picking up pet waste, taking out trash, etc. for a predetermined number of times. During that time he should not be allowed the privilege of any game stations, TV, favorite toys, or treats. At the end, have him write a letter of apology and relate what he learned about right and wrong. Good luck! The hardest job in the world is raising children.

Answer 5

Wow! That would be a hard lesson to learn at nine.
I think I'd take away everything he has so that he can learn to respect other's property. I might even give it to the Mission or Goodwill. When he gets a part time job in a year or two he can save money to buy new stuff.
If the owners learn that you have done something about his behavior, they may choose to let it go. If they choose otherwise, he's going to have to live with it. There's really not a lot you can do about it from the legal perspective.

Hope it all works out! A very wise person once said, "Trouble isn't a thing to be avoided, but an opportunity to prove your character."

Answer 6

The wind!? Since you asked how I would deal with my own kid...I would lean on them until they gave up the truth about how they got in. The door may have been unlocked but I doubt the wind blew it open. If you are happy with that explanation move onto the entry, theft and other issues. I would personally forbid my kid from associating with his pal for a set period and also take whatever possession is their favorite away as a fine. To be honest at the time I found out I probably would have tanned their hide but that's a whole other parenting debate. He definitely needs to look those people in the eye when they get back and apologize.

Answer 7

for the owners tell them and tell them that you are going to deal with your child and if they need any chores done to let you know and you make sure your child will do whatever chores they need done.make sure you talk to them about the situation to face to face that will show that you are concerned about them and your child and they might make a deal just between you too.
for your child contact your local police and take him on a jail tour and show him if he does this type of thing again he can get arrested and end up like these guys who are in the jails. that's what i would do. or you can punish him for a month without his TV games etc and make him clean your house and the other house (if the owners of the house let you do that) for doing something illegal and if he complains about that punishment then tell him all choices come with consquences the bad choices comes with punishments the good choices comes with rewards then tell him you made a wrong discsion so that is why you are getting this punishment. you have to make it clear that this could of been worse and if he gets it which im sure he will he will make the right choice next time.
ur doing a good job as a parent he just made a wrong choice just make it clear to him that this was a wrong choice.
i hope this helps you

Answer 8

First, You must tell him what he did was wrong and why! Then take him over and make him apologize! It will be up to the homeowner whether or not they prosecute, but I would ground him for sure and make him do chores around the house. I realize he is only 9 but it has to be taken care of right away. (P.S. I did the same thing when I was about 8 or 9 I didn't get caught, but I am still embarrassed to this day!)

Answer 9

Tell him that what he did was extremely wrong and he should have known better. Explain to him that even if the door was open that isn't an invitation to go inside. And that you cannot use peoples things without asking first- and he shouldn't have taken anyone elses toys. Also talk with the other mother to see how she is planning on handling it. Also have your son appoligize to the owners when they get back.

Answer 10

I would suggest you discipline your son quite severely immediately (if you haven't already).
Then make him write a letter of apology & hand deliver it to the owners of the home he entered as soon as they return (you go along with). This will give him time to reflect on ALL the reasons why what he did was wrong, and also give him the chance to use wording that conveys how deeply regretful he is (instead of just stumbling out words in verbal apology, since he would be very embarrassed facing them). If the owners
see that he is honestly sorry for his actions, they would be more likely not to pursue legal action against him.