how do I help my Ex - emotionally while he has cancer ,while my husband is jealous? & won't....?

Question

my ex husband has cancer I take him to dr's appt's and to radition and now it's back & forth to the hospital he's just had surgery my current husband won't lift a finger to help in any way shape or form we all used to be friends well Ray{ex} & Jay{current} would get along just fine I would yell at both of them! now Jay won't help with my daughter at all {she's ray's & mine "the ex's" daughter} but up until this point she has always been his too! I don't get it I am at the hospital alot but I don't neglect him I call, and try to get him to open up and see if I did anything wrong and even if it's Desiree or if he can't handle the responsibility he is 43 and I am 30 my ex is 42 our daughter is 10 and she thinks of Jay as Daddy, she has 2 daddys,even Ray says it's ok to call him daddy jay So how do I talk to him about be more forth coming about his feelings one way or the other?please help me understand I won't stand for a half in or out in my daughters life or mine for that matter.

Answer 1

If you think this is hard for you, its twice as hard for your husband. Your husband and ex have formed a bond. And now he is dying, your husband is really scarred. He is afraid he might get cancer if he goes near your ex. He knows this is wrong, but still its very scary. Don't let your daughterer go to the hospital and ask her to stay with daddy jay. Tell him you need him to talk to her about this whole thing. you daughter who may be 10 is very, very smart and will get daddy jay to open up to her. they need to form a tight bond.

Answer 2

Sorry, I feel for Jay........
You are doing the things that a 'significant other' would be doing, except your doing it for the ex and not your current husband. Being the ex's support system and taxi should be someone else's job and responsibility. It sounds like this is ripping your family apart. Your daughter could stand to lose 2 daddies and her family. Try to find someone else to hep out the ex until you can wean yourself from having all the responsibility.
Your responsibilites are to your daughter and husband. It use to be ok when you 2 (u and hubby) were a team and had the ex (father of child) as a friend. Its better for the child that way. Things are different now. Its more like you and the ex are the partners and he is left out.
All I can say is good luck. It sounds like a tough situation.

Answer 3

In the event you require some house out of your husband you must finish it. Yes he has damage you, so you want to get away from him (but simplest somewhat while). I'm guessing that the little at the same time is simplest so that you would be able to bury your hurts and not deal with them. My suggestion can be to speak to him and find out why he feels he has the correct to harm you so much. If he doesn't need to talk to just you, then recommend marriage counseling. As soon as again if the reply isn't any, simply leave. Consistently don't forget this, staying with someone "for the reason that of the youngsters", is wrong. Do you rather believe that youngsters can't opt for up on when a guardian is unhappy? I did for my whole childhood with my mom and dad. I used to be extra blissful once my mom left her abusive husband. You should be comfortable just like anybody else. So.......Go and get what you want. If your husband loves you he's going to take steps to fixing your problems. Keep in mind honey it takes "TWO". Just right luck & God speed.

Answer 4

Well obviously your a good woman to be there for your ex in this sad time. Your husband needs to grow up and understand and have trust in you while your just doing this as a friend. You are also helping your ex because you get a long well with him and he's your daughters father. I think that is wonderful you all get along so well. Away to prevent drama. Just tell your husband to understand your are also doing this for him because he is your daughters father and that you do care for him in a way that you don't want nothing to happened to him for your daughters sake. Tell your husband you love him and that you would feel better if he supported you and be there with you through all of this. And at least if he can do it for your daughter that also loves him like a father. Let him know your not neglecting him. Just keep showing telling him what a great understanding husband he is for being patient in all this. Maybe then he will realize he shouldn't be that way in a time like this. Good luck and I hope everything turns out good. I'll pray for all of you! Good aways comes to those who are wonderful!

Answer 5

How did Jay and your ex get along when you were first married before the cancer was evident? May Jay has some issues about losing his former friend also and it is complicated for him.
Everyone deals with death in a different way,and maybe his way is denial and abstaining from dealing with the issue in a realistic way. Perhaps he cannot deal with death at all,or anything to do with the prospect of having to deal with the grief that will eventually come after your ex has passed.
I have known people that won't even go to funerals of friends or relatives because they can't deal with death.
There is also the feeling of him feeling neglected now because your ex is receiving all the attention now from you and his step daughter.
Maybe you need to reinforce his emotional side and tell him that he is important to you,and to your daughter,but right now is a very tumultuous time and I am sure things will smooth out,but it will take time.
Jay needs to feel that he is part of this process of dealing with the death of someone that was important in your life at one time also.
My sympathies go out to you and your family..

Answer 6

Your husband, Jay may feel that he is a "third party" in the relationship that first began with you, Ray and Ray's daughter.
He may be worried that his family's care and respect for him may be less than it is for Ray-especially since Ray is suffering with cancer and getting all of the sympathy and emotional support during his illness. He may be fearful that Ray may not survive and he will be torn between guilt of not helping someone he resents and his lingering fear of being the "third wheel". I personally, recommend that you begin to transfer some of the responsibility for Ray's emotional needs to another family member such as in-laws, since you and Ray are no longer husband and wife. Stop trying to create a three way relationship that will NEVER work. If Jay has adopted your daughter since your divorce from Ray, THAT is what makes it ok for her to call Jay "daddy Jay"-not Ray's consent! It is okay for you to offer help to Ray when another arrangement is not possible, but you should be devoting most of your presence and time to your present husband, Jay and to your child. Divorce is always hard on families. Best wishes in this matter.

Answer 7

You say that you all were friends before, but did you spend a lot of time with Ray without Jay? He's probably feeling insecure about all the time and the attention you are giving to Ray, regardless of Ray's condition. Not helping out with Desiree may be his way of forcing you to spend more time at home and away from the hospital.

Answer 8

i can understand you are a kind, compassionate and caring person with the best of intentions. however, i'd have to say that jay is right in feeling this way. he is your husband and you should be there for him to the ends of the earth, not your ex. i know it is tough to see ray going thru this and you both share a special bond (desiree) but there is an invisible line that you have cross. i'm willing to bet that jay has some doubts in his mind of how you feel about him and how strong your marriage is and how you truely feel about ray. i'm sorry to say but i think maybe you need to take a couple steps back from ray. you aren't his caretaker or his wife anymore. you are stepping up for him the way i wife would. maybe you and jay can come to a happy medium.

Answer 9

If you require a few area out of your husband you ought to finish it. Yes he has harm you, so that you wish to break out from him (however just a little at the same time). I am guessing that the little at the same time is handiest so you'll be able to bury your hurts and now not cope with them. My thought could be to speak to him and discover out why he feels he has the correct to harm you such a lot. If he does not wish to speak to simply you, then advise marriage counseling. Once once more if the reply isn't any, simply go away. Always recall this, staying with anyone "on the grounds that of the youngsters", is improper. Do you relatively feel that youngsters can't decide on up on whilst a dad or mum is sad? I did for my complete early life with my dad and mom. I was once extra glad as soon as my mom left her abusive husband. You need to be glad similar to someone else. So.......cross and get what you wish. If your husband loves you he WILL take steps to solving your issues. Remember honey it takes "TWO". Good Luck & God Speed.

Answer 10

most certainly You are in a quandary. You don't have any control over your current husband's feelings but you must see his position. I think it's very immature for him to shut down the 10 year old's affections as if she is responsible for whats going on. i would talk to him about this first, reassure him that i loved him and showed it and then check myself....what are you doing? if this is an ex it is an ex. Involve more resources ie., his blood family members, the social worker, respite care, etc.to take care of his current needs.... that's all nice of you and all, but you have a family that is falling apart before your very eyes, and my 10 year old daughter's needs would some first, my current husband's second.