What should I do about crazy sister??

Question

My sister has had gastric bypass surgery two years ago (went from a size 22 to a size 10. For the last year she has been unbearable, rude to family and friends. Disrespect her husband and is just mean to be around. We figured it would be this way for a while but then she would be her old self (kind, gererous, loving), we figured that she never got to be a so called "wild sexy teen" like we all had the privilage to be. Now she is out of control. She also is cheating on her husband. Family and friends can't stand to be around her and her materialistic-I'm better than everyone attitude. It makes me sad and I want my sister back. So, what should i do?? Intervention......would she feel we are attacking her? How do I approach this?

Your right surgar, she has confused confidence with arrogance.....i never thought of it like that, that a quote i will remember when i have my "possible" talk with her.......oh by the way people she is 39, not 18...and has started partying with the 20 year olds.

wow, lots of good advice! Especially from Sugar and Erica Pianist. It will be hard to choose best answer. Also I would like to add that while Murph has some good advice, my sister is neither a danger to herself (or others) and is not in need of being committed. I dont believe a monolistic listener/thinker, selfish, self-absorbed, rude women needs to be committed. Just a good "sit-down" chat. Also I understand that to have gastric bypass surgery, it is required to be at least 100 pounds over ideal weight (she was 310 lbs. 5'2) before a reputable doctor will perform this or insurance cover it. Lastly, her weight problem was attributed to underactive thyroid (she's on synthroid), but also Food Addiction, which behind the scenes, I see she still (very small amounts at a time, all day) consumes junk food, chocolate and so on. Also its very hard to stay out of the "affair" aspect when she affirms it to me each time and her husband calls wanting advice , he loves her sooo!

Answer 1

Your sister is doing this because she is not mad at YOU; rather, she is MAD at the world. I did this surgery also, and when I lost a lot of weight, all of a sudden, people that were rude to be BEFORE were NICE to me NOW. I HATED IT! I thought all of society was a phony hypocrite. I was the exact same person I was BEFORE the surgery. I was MAD at everyone that grinned up to me NOW. she will get better over time, but it will take some time. Love her through it. Do not abandon her. It will be a journey for all of you, but your family will bond even closer in the end.

Answer 2

I realize that it is easy to believe that your sister is on this bad behavior gig of her own free will and choice. While this is probably most people’s take on the situation, I would like to point out, that when the ratio of fat is altered in the body there are also other metabolic and chemical changes that take place. Fats influence the way insulin works; it also affects the amount of estrogen available in the body. There are probably other physiological changes that have occurred, including but not limited to, the amount of ocytocin and endorphins released during sex and even during minor social interactions; etc. My advice would be to go to specialist in endocrinology and also to a psychiatrist who is willing to entertain the idea that the psychological is rooted in the biological. Your sister, it sounds like to me, has suffered psychic shock induced by chemical shifts in her body. I do not know if you will ever see the ‘other’ sister back, but the best possibility is therapy and understanding and a few reality sessions with her and the entire family.

Answer 3

You definitely should intervene. You are her sister and you love her. Take her aside and be very gentle with her. "In the past year you've gone through many changes. You are the only one that really knows how your procedure has changed the way you see yourself and how you feel about yourself, but we (the people that love you) have seen how the way you act has changed. You used to be the sweetest most loving person and now you've changed and we want our sweet sister/wife/friend back."

She may look at you in complete shock because she has no clue that she's been acting any differently. Remember to be gentle, besides the drastic changes in her physical appearance, she may now feel confident in herself and has confused confidence with arrogance. Give her examples of times she was rude or abrasive. Tell her also that she's putting her marriage to a man that accepted her completely (this is important) in jeopardy by being unfaithful. Good luck in this. You may hurt your sisters feelings but it's for her sake.

Answer 4

Your sister really needs a family wake up call. Just the very idea you and the rest of the family are letting her get away with her rudeness and arrogance is unbelievable.

Her husband needs to also do a check in with a divorce lawyer and file for divorce. Your sister could bring him home an unwanted STD or HIV/AIDS and your poor brother-in-law would be given a death sentence.

Did your sister receive counseling to help her deal with her rapid weight loss.????? Maybe she really needs to check herself in for mental health help.

She is out of control.....you know it, everyone else knows it....but until your sister gets the wake up call.....she won't realize how rude and abnoxious she is.

RECORD her on video and show her what she sounds and appears like to other people!! Maybe if she had that visual...maybe it would help her to stop hurting family and friends.

Answer 5

First of all, if you can afford a good counselor or have a caring pastor or priest, this may offer the support you need at this time. You can't "fix" your sister if she doesn't want but you can obtain the support you need. (Don't be shocked if your pastor doesn't counsel; preachers aren't what they used to be; for priests it is more likely that they will help)

For your sister, I tend to support the theory of an endocrine imbalance and I'm sure the shock of going from 22 to 10 is great, as well.

But, first of all, know that although you can advise your sister to seek out an endocrinologist or psychiatrist you have no more "rights" over your sister. Only her husband has rights, as next of kin. If he divorces her, then your parents become next of kin. And, what can a next of kin do? The only thing, to my knowledge, which he can do is have your sister arrested as "a danger to self or others" and forcibly committed to a psychiatric facility. I think that this is done through the local sheriff's office. But, I do not know how loose this definition is and it would obviously have negative repercussions upon your sister's employment and perhaps impact her in future negative ways, as she will be labeled as a psych. case. You can surely find some more detailed information on internet.

But, we are missing a lot of needed information to evaluate your sister's case. You haven't told us, for instance, why she had the gastric bypass surgery. Was she obese due to endocrine problems? Or, did she simply want to lose weight quick and easy for medical and/or cosmetic purposes and was she simply too lazy/lacking in discipline to loose weight in a normal fashion? And, I truly believe, too, that some people are supposed to be large, but society doesn't accept this.

If the reasons for her obesity were psychological -whether low self esteem or more rarely there are people who are so self-centered and greedy that they want to "eat" the entire world - then the psychological issues are still there. Also, especially if you are as close in age to your sister, as another question indicated, and have remained thinner then jealousy is a big issue. And, even if the age difference is great then the heavier sibling is often jealous of the other one.

For the "cheating" issue that should be between her and her husband. It is none of your business at all. The first time she tells you this you tell her that you think this is dishonest, wrong, unfair and/or immoral - whatever you think it is. After that plug up your ears visibly and tell her that it is none of your business and you don't want to hear. In fact, maybe she's not even really cheating but saying that to feel "important" or annoy you or make you jealous of her - who knows?

Also, I apologize but I must suggest the possibility that your sister may never have been as nice as you thought. Perhaps she felt that she had to play-act to have love in her life and to get attention. Maybe she thinks that now that she is thinner that people will put up with more.

And, indeed it seems to be the case. You have tried to be loving and put up with a lot. But, enough is enough and somehow you and your parents need to indicate that this behavior is unacceptable and refuse to be around her if she is acting so bad. Unfortunately, many people - even good people sometimes - have to be "trained" into what you find to be acceptable or unacceptable behavior. And, by "training" her quiet harshly now and showing her where your limits are may save the relationship from getting so far out of control that contact is impossible. It may hurt you for now but in the long term it may save the relationship. If not she may just keep pushing you harder and harder until she does something really bad or dangerous to you all.

The good news is if this is hormonal it will improve with age as menopause is but 18 years away. If she is unwilling to accept help and her husband does not want her committed then you may also have to accept the possibility that you have lost your sister. The person you knew and loved for 38 years is gone. It is a bit like those who are married 20 years and get divorced or have a loved one who died. It is very sad but you can only do so much. As the saying goes, you can choose your friends but not your relatives. And, relatives who make your life so miserable are better avoided.

Also 39 is a difficult age anyway; if you are near your sister's age, as indicated in another post, then you feel this a bit too. Some people do not accept aging with grace especially in a youth oriented society - even the best and least materialistic. And, 39 always seems close to the end of the time when one can be "sexy" and attractive to younger and older men alike.

As a disclaimer I say that I am not a psychologist and this is all from personal experience, observation and what I perceive as common sense. Hence I strongly suggest that you seek professional advice. Not because anything is wrong with you but because you need support and coping with this very sad and stressful situation.

If I think of anything else I will edit it on. Good luck.

PS: You may find some things from this web site useful. Within the sites and books are ways which you may be able to get your sister's attention in a non-offensive way: www.nonviolentcommunication.com
Personally I find some of this condescending were it a stranger but I think from someone close it's good. And, it apparently works. It focuses on hearing what a person feels rather than ignoring or attacking them. There are free samples of what it looks like at www.nonviolentcommunication.com/rosenberg/visionary-philosopher.htm
(NVC in action)

Answer 6

Just give her some distance.

Stop focusing on your sister and LIVE YOUR LIFE. She is living her life--you live yours!! She is an Adult---so if she wants to cheat on her husband, or smoke crack, or be a stripper--thats her choice. You will run yourself crazy worrying about her I

If she sucks to be around--look, just tell her off the next time she is rude!! Let her know EXACTLY what you think--and tell her "OBVIOUSLY you're making up for the teenage years now, but damn--can you calm it down--youre 30 now"--or something like that. Then, make up with her and let it all go..But the bottom line is--GET SOME FRIENDS OF YOUR OWN--LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE.

Peace

Answer 7

Nobody knows or loves someone like a sister. Tell her you would like to just spend a few hours with her, to go out to eat or to a movie, and while it's just the two of you, talk to her.

Answer 8

i imagine she is actual risky. She desires psychological help - this is going way previous being "afflicted" and that's threatened violence and sexual attack, and he or she would actual do it! i imagine you really want to inform your mothers and fathers about it and get college counsellors in touch in case your mothers and fathers gained't do something about it (they many times wont because they're scared and ashamed). Lock your door at evening and be very careful. Please do not take this situation gently! stay at a chum's abode if she threatens you back. for therefore long because it takes! She should be in juvenile corridor for the failings she stated!

Answer 9

its going to hurt but tell her since she lost the weight she lost a lot of good qualities her friends and family misses.She sounds like she would still be mad but oh well tell her if u love her she is a azz and needs to straighten up

Answer 10

put her in her place tell her just bc she aint fat no more dont mean she can treat ppl like crap that she is ugly on the outside with her attitude n u wont put up with it that if she cant respect u then dont eva talk to u again