I am having issues with my son, I need to know how to get through to him?

Question

I have a 20 y/o son. Apparently, I haven't been attentive enough as a mother. I have always worked two jobs as a single parent. At one point, a lot of stressful situations came up in our family, and I became financially drained. Essentially, I wasn't able to buy things and pay for certain activities for my kids. My son is my youngest. The girls seemed to be o.k. with things. My son, however, developed a habit of disappearing for days and weeks at a time, becoming truant and simply negligent with school issues. Ultimately, by the time he became 17, he realized the situation he created for himself. I moved to Chicago, I brought him along. He didn't like it and asked could he go back to Minnesota. I figured, he was almost 18, a month shy actually, why not.

In June, he called, he needed money. I was on my way to see him when I sent the money via wire. When I got to Minnesota, I didn't hear from him again. He had just moved, and I have no way to reach him. I'm lost.

Answer 1

Momma you got to let him try to stand.Remember when he was a baby and you sat trying to encourage him to take those first baby steps.It's the same now he's got to learn to walk on his own. You just have to be there to catch him if he falls.Good luck sweety!

Answer 2

As parents, the big myth is we are all supposed to be perfect. Only when we see mistakes we've made do we begin to realize that whoever said parents had to be perfect obviously were never parents themselves!!! The thing is, your son is 20 now. Whatever resentments he harbors are already there and at this point, there is nothing that will erase things. What you can do is realize that although you may have made some mistakes, you worked hard and did the best you could do. At some point, we all realize that we somewhat "grow up" with our children. As years go by, we are able to see the mistakes, but time has already gone by, and its too late to dwell on the past. He is trying to find himself, and I'm sure in time he will be fine. Just try to be there for him, but also let him know that you are a human being and there are boundaries that he needs to abide by when it comes to the relationship you two have. Kids will go astray at some point when things dont go their way....but if they were raised right, they will always return to that point. He will be back, and maybe he will appreciate you more when he returns. In the meantime, pray about it and keep your thoughts positive. You shouldn't feel guilty for anything, because your not at fault. Good luck, and Ill pray for you two tonight.

Answer 3

Wow, I'm sorry you're going through this. A mother's anguish over her children never ends. He may be grown but you will always worry about his wellbeing. For now there is nothing really that you can do. You can leave word with your friends and relatives in Minnesota for him to contact you should he go by there. It's very hard to find someone that doesn't want to be found though. Hopefully he will come to his senses soon. I'm sorry to say but the next time you hear from him may be the next time he needs money. Stay strong and hope for the best. Have faith in the values you instilled in him and be firm the next time he comes around asking for money. Tell him baby I'm sorry, I love you with all my heart but I am your mother, and not an ATM machine you only call on when you need money.

He might also just be going through a stage in his life where he is finding himself and he'll come around eventually.

I know this isn't exactly what you wanted to hear. Good luck and stay strong.

Answer 4

Hi Mom,

I'm a 29 year old black woman who was raised by a Hard Working Single Mom--and all I can say is that your son sounds selfish and spoiled--and I'm sorry if that offends you..BUT YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD. You busted your behind working 2 jobs and taking care of your kids. I'm sorry, but many black males have these days have a "complex" from being raised by single women--that complex includes: self-centeredness, the idea that life owes you something, and lack of responsibilty..Your son messed up in school--WHY? Look, I'm a Teacher, and I work with small children in foster care, with parents on crack, and who come to school hungry and dirty because they are negelcted. And some of these kids are the nicest kids out here. If your son was never abused, raped, or starved--then he has very little to complain about..Dont beat yourself up thinking you werent there for him--you had to work 2 jobs--hello..My mom worked 3 jobs, and yes she was tired when she came home. I'm grown now, and every once a while my mom makes the comment that "I wasnt there for you". And I say "Mom, you were the BEST mother. In you I had the best example of a woman!". I'm 29 now, I never did drugs, dont drink, or smoke--I work 3 jobs and I'm starting my own business.

Your son is GROWN now. He will come crying back to momma when he needs you--dont worry about that. He is wrong to not tell his momma where he is--and to not even call you after he got the money. Dont worry--God dont like us to treat our momma's bad. Your son will need you agian some day--probably soon. Just pray, live your life--and realize that He is Grown Now. My mom used to always says that "what I dont teach you--life will".

Peace

Answer 5

He is 20 there isn't much you can do. Don't feel guilty about the things you did to try to provide for them or think it wasn't good enough. Lots of kids in the world don't even eat everyday. Honestly, he's selfish if he doesn't realize what you did for them, he'll figure it out as he tries to survive on his own. Now he will realize how hard it really is and will develop a deep appreciation for what you went through. Give him time, you've done all you can and you did the best you could, you obviously loved him and thats more than a lot of them get!

Answer 6

Having a similar thing growing up with my mother, I can understand where you are coming from. My mother was going to college for a computer degree and was still working one to two jobs. She wanted to provide me things and since she was never around and my father was out of the picture I was left to "entertain" myself. I didn't want the toys or the activities or the fancy toys. I wanted to be with my mother every minute of every day. I think that your son is coming to you when he needs something and knows that you'll give it to him. Next time your son talks to you ask if you can meet somewhere.Preferabally out of each others residences. Bring up you feelings. Or ask, "can I ask you a question?." If he says that that is not possible bring up how you feel right there. Ask him, "Why do you try and hide from me." If the phone goes dead then try writing or talking to a family member that is close to you and was close to your son. My mother and I had a similar conversation after 3 years and now we hang out and do a lot of things. If none of this helps I'm sorry I couldn't help you. But keep in mind that some people always have their feelings and your feelings are important, no matter how you get them out. A boy usually needs a father figure in his life when growing up so this could be a stage to find out how he will learn things in life. If you haven't, talk about his father and what happened when you get a hold of him. I needed to know what happened before I could become reunited with my mother. My second piece is, do not give him anything else. He is now 20 and wants to be on his own so let him deal with his problems. There is probally a urge to hang on and pick up all your lost time, remember though that he is technically a adult now and treat him like one no matter how childish he acts. But if your son wants to play hide-and-seek then you might have to let him go. My last piece of advice is to find his old or current friends and see if they know where he is. As long as you make your assertive effort your not to blame.

Answer 7

I always wondered about parents like you. My daughters biological father is 30 yrs old, won't work and doesn't pay child support. When his ex takes him to court for child support, his mother bails him out. I don't take him, I don't want anything from him. His mother didn't set limits, didn't gripe unless she was being called to school, etc. Of course he got involved in drugs and other things he shouldn't have. His 21 yr old little brother died in a car accident a couple of yrs ago due to drinking and driving. Do you think these kids raise themselves? Never give up on him, but, when he calls asking for money again, give him options. If he wants your help he is going to have to straighten up. Let him move back in with you, you will support him for a month, long enough to get him a job. Then he can either pay rent or find somewhere to live. I don't mean to sound harsh when I say parents like you, but OPEN YOUR EYES. If you keep letting him take advantage of you, he will keep doing it. He doesn't care how hard you work for your money. Make him care. Teach him the value of a dollar. I know as single moms we do the best we can, I was one for 2 years with four children. It's hard. But don't let your son keep acting so immaturely. He has to grow up.

Answer 8

Lady,

You're not lost, your son is lost. Also, please know that you're empowering him by sending him money just because he asks for it. He's taking advantage of your love and you're letting him.

From the little you write, you did the best that you could. It seemed to work with your two girls. Don't take any blame here. If your son decided to be a jerk, that's on him, not you. He decided to go off on his own like a man, then let him be a man and don't support him every time he comes running to momma.

Let him know you love him and he has a home with you, but his life is on his shoulders, not yours. He'll continue to make your a victim here as long as you let him. I guarantee you that you'll hear from him again because he thinks you're an easy touch for money. When he does contact you, you need to decide that he will have your love, but not your hard earned paycheck.

Or.... continue to be a fool, its on you.

TX Guy

Answer 9

Hi I feel for you because I have a son that took off at 20 and it's been nine years that I have not heard from him or how he is. He is my only child and I had to just get our the fact that I might never see him again. I know it's hard but it's called tuogh Love. We cannot force anyone to keep in touch and you cannot let your self get sick our it or you will not be any good to them when or if they decide to show up. I know he knows how to contact me when he is ready and thats all I can really do . This will be hard to do but it really get alot easier to handle after awhile. I just keep him in my thoughts, look at his photos every so often, wish him well and hope thats he is keeping out of trouble, getting his life on track and not hurting himself or anyone else. Boys are harder to talk too and they will do what ever they think is good for them, they have to learn and if the hard way is the only way well so be it. Keep yourself busy, try not to dwell on it and one day you will get the answers that you are looking for. Just keep the lines of communication open for him and your where abouts avialiable to anyone whom you think he would contact other then just you. I wish you well and Good Luck. You can Love him from a far and keep him close in your heart. A boy always needs his MOm sooner or later he will fine a way to reach you somehow, or by someone.Take care.Mich

Answer 10

This is a very sad situation for you and ultimately for your son as well.
I could not begin to guess why he has chosen to disappear and there really is little you can do but hope he will one day make his way back to you.
The important thing to do is to remember he has made these decisions for his own reasons. It is not your fault.
It is all too easy for others to blame you and for you to accept that blame. As a mother you have done the best you could do in the circumstances you found yourself in. No one can expect more than that.
Get on with your life. Pray for him if that makes you feel better. Just accept this is his decision and it is seperate from who you are and what you might have or might not have provided for him.

Answer 11

I don't know what to say. That's hard when you're a single mother and you're trying your best to raise your kids right and all you get is heartache and pain. All I can tell you is to look him up on one of those websites that help you find who you are looking for. You can look them up by address, social security number, or simply by their name. Try that, then when you locate him ask him what's going on? By the way you shouln't never just let your child away like that until you know they are ready for the world. Give them some type of guidance. I wouldn't have said yes so easily. Net time think about it first.