When to tell a new boyfriend that a year ago, I was raped?

Question

I was raped in June of 2005. Now, I am beginning to date someone new, who I'm becoming really close with. I'm an open-book by nature, and after many months of therapy am 100% restored, healthy, and healed from this event. I'm wondering when you all think an appropriate time/way would be to reveal to this new guy this big horrible event in my past - which is also probably one of the most defining, important, transformative events of my life thus far? I'm not looking for his sympathy or anything - i guess most of all since this relationship is beginning to progress, I'd like to see his response...I have encountered guys in the past who I found had horrible ideas about rape (the whole 'damaged goods' philosophy) and it was definately a deal breaker. FYI, I have been seeing this guy for only several weeks at this point so I wouldn't do it now by any means..But do you think months? 6 months? Wait? Once we say "i love you"? Thoughts wuold be much appreciated!

Answer 1

Answer to your question: I would wait until you trust him and feel he is mature enough to understand.

My best friend's sister was raped too and I feel for what you went through. It looks like you have a terrific attitude.

Answer 2

We the surfers of cyber world meet with so many people every day. Surfing the net is the best pastime one can ever develop, as internet has the most knowledge, a surfer will never have to wait for a answer. The vast knowledge of cyber world is nothing as compared to the cyber society that it gives. Internet is a community but so vast that we need a place to make conversation easy. What more can be better than a chat room for this purpose, well a chat room and a message board along with a forum is the best combination really. I was actually looking for a place where we can find all these things with a profile and photo brouse option. Finally I got this site, this place is a very nice community where we can share every thing online. And also about the leader board, I must tell it is great. The thought of the leader board is unique, as not to many people has thought about this thing. And the method of getting the leader is very different and one must check out this site once. The cyber culture is growing, and it is about time that we find our club and that to a very different club, which is not a part of any big website house like the yahoo and google. This site am talking about has every thing that a cyber surfer ever wants. This is the website address, http://www.friendscyberclub.com/ Features of this site is: 1) chatting 2) view profiles and photos 3) upload your photos and make a cool profile. 4) your message board 5) forum 6) See your name on the leader board. There are also many more features available in the site, free to join.

Answer 3

I'm sorry you had to go through that ordeal but I am very happy that you've healed and moved on.

I think that you need to gauge your new guy. There isn't a perfect time to let him know about what you went through, it depends on how close you and him are becoming and the way in which you two connect. There definitely have to be some feelings developing before you let him know, and maybe a few months should do it. But there will be a good moment, maybe the two of you sitting in a park together, or at home on a quiet evening... just tell him that there is something about your past that you think it's important for him to know about. Tell him you waited for the best moment to tell him because it's something deeply personal you only wanted to share with him when you felt the time was right. Good luck to you! I hope this guy is a good guy and will not see you any differently because of what you will share with him.

Answer 4

I think you should wait until you think it is becoming serious enough to enter into an intimate relationship with him.
Alot of men really do tend to think of a woman who has been raped as damaged goods and would not be intimate with her. Much as I hate to say it. Men are generally ignorant to what happens to a woman when she is raped, they have no idea how to handle it.

It is NOT your fault, you could have done nothing to prevent it. But alot of men just do not see it that way because of ignorance of the whole ordeal. Not to say there are not men who have been raped also, but the odds of rape are higher in women then in men

I pray that you have found a man who truly loves you and will be understanding and compassionate.

I wish you love and happiness.

Answer 5

For me, and this is just my opinion, if I were in your situation, I would save it for a time when you are already in mode for a heart to heart conversation. Wait until he tells you something that's hard for him to say, or when you're just generally on the subject of your past, because ALL couples have the "my past" discussion at some point or another. Another good time, I feel to bring things up of this matter is during pillow talk. I don't know if you have gotten to the physical part of your relationship yet or not, but that I usually a good time, I feel to bring things up that can be touchy in nature. I mean, think about it, ya already have your endorphines going and you're feeling all lovey, it's the perfect time to really spill something and it not be judged as it would be normally.

Answer 6

Good question. Personally, I think that sooner would be better. If the guy is stupid enough and callous enough to think you are 'damaged goods' then he needs to be thrown off a tall building soonest.

I'd say time it so when you are THINKING about saying 'I love you', then would be a good time to sit him down and say. I need to share something with you, I feel like we are getting pretty close and I need to share an important event in my life.'

Make sure you leave him time to ask questions.

Oh yea, almost forgot, be prepared for him to get EXTREMELY upset that someone hurt you. Also be prepared for him to want to know who it was so he can then go break a couple of bones off the guy

Answer 7

I would wait for the I love you phase. once that is quoted, make sure he understands those words are serious to you and that if its true, that you would like to get some things out in the open before you go any further. you sound like you are smart, you will figure it out. ....and no , you shouldn't want sympathy. if anything you should recieve some empathy and continue in a normal life style. I have been there. keep looking toward the future. good luck to you.

Answer 8

You would know when the time is right. Like the saying goes, some things are better left unsaid. This may cause a strain in your relationship. If you feel that this may happen, then don't do it. But on the other hand, if you have a partner who truly loves you, then tell him the truth.

Answer 9

Well... This is kind of a touchy thing, Deppending on your bf, he may think of the damaged good philosphy but as long as you make sure you take care of his emotional needs that may arise from this then you should be fine. Hate to say it ladies but guys have uncontrolable reations to certain things and rape generally is one of them. So I would keep this locked tight until you know both you and he are ready to deal with this.

Answer 10

Keep your chin up kiddo. You should do what's in your heart. If he's kind and understanding and likes you, tell him. As a guy, I wouldn't hesitate to look for that ****** and break his neck in two. You're not damaged goods, you are on the other hand a courageous young woman. Do what you have to do, not when you're forced to. Take care and good luck in both your futures.

Answer 11

I think you should just let it come up on its own. If you're talking and you say "...The most defining, important, transformative event in my past..." then tell him about it. Or when you're by yourselves, tell him that you really like him and want him to know more about your past especially because it was a transformative event then tell him.
Good Luck