What can one expect if in a relationship w/ someone who was abused as a child?

Question

I would appreciate any info about what drama and challenges a person must be ready to deal with if they are in a relationship with someone who was sexually abused as a child From what few details I've heard so far, having a relationship with a abuse victim is a difficult situation to be in. It would be especially helpful to hear from people with first hand experience being in such a relationship.

If the relationship is over, how were you able to finally decide to end the relationship?

Answer 1

You can't make generalizations like that. People deal with their demons in different ways. Many abuse victims have sought counseling and have stored that part of their life, however unfortunate and terrible, away.

I think you need to ask the person how they are coping with it. If you see signs of remaining issues, then that's one thing. But just to penalize someone for having issues in their past (especially things they could not control as a child) is very sad.

Answer 2

I haven't, as far as I know, had a relationship with a victim, but I've known a lot of young people who were victims. There's one thing that strikes me about this issue, and that is that these days there is often the assumption that if this went on a person must be "ruined for life". I've heard children echo back what psychologists have told them, and they essentially echo back that they have "all kinds of problems" and "its so hard to get over it" and things like that.

I am not questionning (nor am I in a position to) the fact that this type of abuse can leave people damaged - sometimes not too badly, sometimes very badly. I have seen, first hand and otherwise, that this type of abuse varies. It can be "simple" or it may be bizarre. It can be an event or two, or it can be long-term thing. Whether this was a trusted parent, trusted teacher or a stranger gets factored in. So does the type of person the victim is. Some victims grow up to be victimizers. Some don't. Some may see the abuser as nothing but a jerk or sick person. Others have more conflicted feelings.

One of the hardest things for non-victims to understand is how victims can say they still love the parent (when that's who it was) anyway. I know one victim of horrible abuse of both her father and grandfather who grew up to mourn the loss of her grandfather and to allow her father who served several years in prison be with her two little girls. This kind of stuff is hard for the non-victim to figure out, and you can find yourself losing patience with what seems to you "a no-brainer".

People who are victims apparently do have a higher risk of drama, but I would think there's the chance that some may not have much. Some people deal with things better than others.

If the person ins question has already shown signs of drama it may be good to dial things back because the victiim may not be quite ready for a relationship right now. If the person has shown no signs of drama its a different thing. If the relationship gets serious enough it would seem important that the person discuss the whole thing (or at least give you an idea of how serious the abuse was), and it might be worth getting a consultation from an expert in that field just to get a reading on potential time bombs.

My point is, just as there is every likelihood this person could be seriously damaged from the abuse, there is the chance that this person may not have been "ruined forever". I've known a lot of young women who had been victims, and there was no particular drama when it came to live with them. Maybe there was drama when it came to their intimate relationships, I don't know.

Continue to talk, question, look for guidance, etc., but while you're looking (unless the drama is already there and you're trying to figure out how much worse is can get) look, too, for the stories of people who survived maybe only slightly damaged or even not at all.

One final thought: Lots of times abuse victims (sexual or physical) blame things on the abuse that shouldn't be blamed on it. It is a handy thing to have something to blame everything on, and some less than mature/well-adjusted people aren't above doing that either.

Answer 3

Speaking from the side of the victim here it is unfortunately very very hard to reach an abused person. We have so many walls, but given the right moment, the right person, etc these walls come down and yes we occasionally let in a few people. Given the circumstances we were brought up we have a sixth sense almost for who is to be trusted and who is not to be trusted. Overall, this instinct serves us well and once someone has gained our trust we are very loyal, loving and giving. At times though we do require extra patience, love and understanding, much like any other relationship. It also best never to assume anything always make everything clear in all relationships.

Answer 4

I dated a man who had grown up in foster care (HORRIBLE). He was abusive and controlling. He had to grow up too fast, so in some ways he was still very childish and in some ways had all the bitterness of years on the planet too. The worst part I think is the lack of role models in the relationship world. If a man doesn't see how a wife and husband Should treat each other, they go about it all wrong. I don't know if it is possible for him to have a normal relationship. It ended when the police took him away...the second time.

Answer 5

I had anger issues. I would be so angry with my husband/boyfriend but I didn't know why. I thought because I didn't remember it, it couldn't affect me. When I started therapy it finally lead me to the realization that that was one of the reasons I was angry. I finally saw a pattern that if I was intimate or thinking about becoming intimate with a person, that's when I would start falling apart. It is one of the things that ended my marriage. I'm in a much healthier relationship now, and I'm not angry anymore. I think the therapy was really good for me.

Answer 6

Be prepared to have the patience of a God. An incest victim myself, I had several issues, mostly in the bedroom department. With counselling and many years of patience from my wonderful husband, I've been able to get over much of the problems I had. Be patient, kind, loving and understanding and if you want this relationship to work, it will!

Answer 7

Why not seek help to have that party get rid of the feelings and guilts they carry with them. They don't go away. and further, are deeply implanted into the subconscious mind. They have to be eliminated before that party will be able to feel they are functioning normally.

I do have a case history of one very severe case, if you would like to read it. May give you some insight into what takes place.

Answer 8

It's not good to judge, and you should stick with it even if he needs help. I think it's horriable that people leave when times are rough. It's not moral and thats why people are untruthful about their past.

Answer 9

you will have nothing but problems is this person has never had therapy, if you truely care for them talk to them and try to get them to go