Joke, anyone?

Question

The man always teased his wife about her lack of interest in household chores. One day he brought home a gag, a refridgerator magnet that read," Martha Stewart doesn't live here"!
The next day he came home and found the magnet holding a slip of paper that read,"Neither does Bob Vila"!

Answer 1

GOOD ONE

Answer 2

[american history]......... it was the first day of school,,and a new student named pedro,martinez, the son of a mexican restaurateur,,entered the forth grade,....the teacher said,,lets begin by reviewing some american history,,"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'? She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. He shouted,''Patrick Henry, 1775." Very good!" appraised the teacher. Now, who said, "Government of the people; by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth. Again,,,, no response except from Pedro, Abraham Lincoln,1863'. The teacher snapped at the class, ,,Class you should be ashamed!, Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do! She heard a loud whisper, Screw the Mexicans! " Who said that? she demanded. Pedro put his hand up, and said "Jim Bowie, 1836"...At that point, a student in the back said,, "I'm gonna puke",The teacher glared and asked!,,All right! now, Who said that?,,again Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,1991",, Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh Yeah?, ..Suck this!,,, Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997",,, Now, with almost a mob hysteria, Teacher said, "You little ****! if you say anything else, I'll kill you! Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice,,, " Gary Condit,..to Chandra Levy,2001",,, The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,,,someone said, "Oh ****, we are in big trouble now!,,, Pedro whispered, Saddam Hussein,2003,,,,finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro,,,, someone shouted "Duck"!,, Teacher asked "who said that?,, Pedro answered, Dick Cheney,2006.,,,,,

Answer 3

Little crude - but here it goes...

A Priest after doing several confessions needed a break, he grabs the Janitor and says just listen to them and give them 5 Hail Mary's for whatever they confess...

So a woman comes into the booth and says "forgive me father for I have sinned, I participated in an act of anal sex".... So the Janitor thinks to himself, wow that sounds serious, saying 5 Hail Mary's isn't enough for that...

He tells the woman to wait so that he could go to the bathroom, he can't find the Priest anywhere and he sees an altar boy getting changed - so he says to the alter boy "what does the Priest give for anal sex?"

And the altar boy says "usually milk & cookies"...

Answer 4

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Answer 5

Cute

Answer 6

nice
but this is better
A priest was praying for guidance: Oh God, grant me this knowledge: what is the meaning of life?
For a while, Creation was silent. Then a booming voice, sounding severely pissed-off, shouts from heaven: Read the F*#kin FAQ

Answer 7

LOL!!! hey listen to this:

A preist and his freinds went to play golf. The freind swung and missed by a few inches,'Sh*t, i missed!' he said angrily.
'Now, now, you mustn't swear or god will punish you.' said the preist.
His freind swung again and.........missed
'Sh*t i missed again!!!' he said.
'Now if you swear one more time, god will definatly punish you.'
He swung for the third time and yupp, missed again.
' Sh*t! how CAN i miss THAT?!!' he swore.
Suddenly, a lightning struck and hit the preist.
A booming voice was heard saying,'Sh*t! I missed!!!!'

Answer 8

That was a knee slapper. Good one. If you made that up you're brilliant.

Answer 9

the important part is that youre trying

Answer 10

:) lol i like it :D ♥