When you are punishing a child, do you let them ramble on in their defense or tell them to shut it?

Question

My 8 yr. old step son has a bad habit of mouthing off and talking back when I am pointing out something he has done wrong and telling him of his punishment. It's always someone else's fault and he starts yelling and getting all worked up. I want him to shut it and nip it in the bud before he starts carrying on but I can't get his dad to even notice the behavior half the time or even get on the same page as me. What do I do? and am I wrong for not letting him tell his side? (btw this is usually always something I have seen with my own eyes not when he is defending himself against someone tattling or otherwise).

Answer 1

It's fairly normal for the kid to want to explain his side of it. I would listen and consider his feeling - even if they are not logical consider that 8 year olds are still at a very egocentical developmental stage and that this is very normal (do a google search on Piaget and read some of the info. on normal developmental stages of children). He just cannot be as rational as you might like him to be. . The only reason you are correcting his behaviour is so that he can learn and correct his own conceptions and begin to be able to see the world from other perspectives. Too much "punishment" becomes counter-productive particularly if the child feels powerless and not listened to. As a step parent you want to be a supportive partner of the parenting decisions of the natural parent. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartache with this child if you are trying to become the primary discipliarian. The most important thing is that he does not feel you are against him all the time and that you truly care for him and want what is best for him. You really need to discuss this with your partner and show a firm united front. Good for you for asking for advice...many people would not even bother - it shows that you really care about the child. Good luck, it's a tough job but worth the effort!

Answer 2

Set an egg timer. Tell him he has 2 minutes to have his say. Don't interrupt him let him talk for the full time but when the bell dings he's done. This works in two ways first it limits the time he can argue and second it gives him a sense of control because you're not talking over him. I had to do this with my kids the first few times were not so great but when they see that you're serious they stop arguing about the timer and get right to explaining. Usually don't even need the full time. Best wishes.

Answer 3

He will never trust you enough to open up and be honest with you until you respect him. Now, I understand bratty children, and how you could be put in the middle... but diplomacy works well with co-workers as well as kids. Use the cookie method: Tell him something he did that's awesome! and reward him for it... like have some ice cream. Then, in a very gentle and loving voice, tell him your concern... perhaps even tell it in an analogy. Get him to understand how you feel. If it hurts your feelings, makes you sad, makes you mad etc... then end with another compliment! I'm telling you, if you came at me at work all prissy and self-righteous i'd be defensive. If you asked me to coffee, told me i was a good employee, said you were concerned with my coming in a couple minutes late, but then said how you loved how i ate lunch at my desk, but could i try a little harder to be on time, i'd be all, No probs babes... and smack ya on that cute *** of yours! ;) just playin. Remember, he's 8. The only defence skills he has are basic instinct survival skills. You're what? 25? 26? so, remember, anyone that gets defensive is because someone else is offensive. cool?

Answer 4

You and your husband need to sit down and have a serious chat on punishment. Once you have reached an agreement on how and who should do it, then you need to decide what to do about the rambling. If it was my own child and I had seen him/her do something wrong, I wouldn't give them the chance to ramble (I wasn't when I was growing up). If you saw them do it then they really have no self defense or "his side of the story". But, the two of you as parents need to get things together and come up with an agreement on punishment.

Answer 5

My daughter used to act like that...everytime i'd tell her she did something wrong she'd run off and sit in her playroom and pout till she slowly came out with her puppy dog eyes ..

On the other days she might even actually yell out and rant telling me how angry she is with me etc etc .. how i am so unfair to her etc etc .. surprisingly though! when this happens? it's helpful because this is when they will let it all out and vent it all out .. she would start telling me why she felt that i was unfair to her and how i should of reacted etc .. i won't say a single thing to interrupt her i won't even raise a finger i'll let her finish telling me what she wants to say .. when she finishes ranting and is taking a breather i'd then ask her if she wants to talk about it .. we'd sit down over a cup of fresh squeezed juice or a piece of fruit and discuss it .. it takes a great deal of patience because of their pride but i let her keep her pride by just reasoning with her as to why what she did was wrong..if in the end she still didn't understand i'd let her go think about it ... eventually she'd turn around and understand the reason as to what she did was wrong :)

It took about a couple of years until she started to understand that i was never against her .. my daughter and i are ever close now because of that .. i never once raised my voice on her .. i never once punished her physically like most parents are advising .. i never even used anger to counter anger .. i mean..why would you? why would you teach by raising your voice and yelling? when being calm and understanding works even better right?

If your son is at the point that he expects you to be real angry with him try this and it'll be like a cold shower to him because he would never have expected it and may even change! give it a try :)

good luck!

Answer 6

it's all about the middle road with this situation.

at 8 years old, yes, he is entitled to explain himself and his actions. it's amazing how the minds of children work and it's usually very different from our own adult perspectives.

what i would do is explain to him, now before he does something wrong, that you would like to try someting new.
tell him that you would like to try a new way of communicating.
tell him that next time you see him do something wrong and you are going to punish him for it you will hear his side of the story first.

example:
you just saw him pull his little sister's toy out of her hand.

before you correct him ask him why he just did that.

then, listen to his side. it's doubtful that he has a decent explanation, however, it will enhance your communication together and perhaps lay the groundwork for teenage communication which can be EXTREMELY daunting.

once he's done his side of the story then, ponder this for a moment. does his side have some merit?? perhaps he took the toy b/c he thought she could hurt herself with it.

if that's his reasoning, then explain to him that you appreciate his concern, but that toy is fine for her to play with and if he ever has a concern like that to ask you before taking that type of action. this way, you aren't punishing him for simply watching out for sister, but he still needs to know not to grab things out of people's hands.
tell him that b/c he was rude with his actions he still needs punished. perhaps taking away something of his for a while will help frive home this point.
punishments should try to fit the crime.

also, rambling on and on is something some people just do...my answer for example....:)

take care.

Answer 7

I have 5 beautiful, amazing, gifted & talented, children who are in advanced curriculums.

I don't consider them to be "ramblers" - I listen to what they have to say. And in turn, they listen to me. They listen to the rules, listen in school, and they appreciate others - because they know that they, themselves, are appreciated.

It takes a loving heart to be a mom. A good mother raises her children to be thoughtful, to be independent, to have self-esteem and know that what they say is important.

My feelings in your posted question, is that there is a lot of hard feelings that you have about your stepson. You are harming your stepson's ability to be his own person, to have self-esteem, and to feel like he is a special person. And he is a special person.

And I have a few more things to say. If anyone treated my kids like that - I would be divorcing really quick. A good parent puts their children first. And how your husband doesn't notice your bad behavior, makes me sick. And - I certainly hope that his mother will be posting a question on here soon, about how she can help her son who has horrible visits with his father. Because I'll be the first one to give her pointers on court, home studies, family court counseling, and what she can do about your behavior to that child.

Be a better parent. You knew about that child before you married your husband. You knew that your husband came as a package deal. And to try to make it any less than that - makes you less of a person.

Answer 8

Not saying your son has it but my daughter has ADHD and that is a symptom - nothing is her fault ever. We just tell her straight off not to argue and anything she has to say will only increase the consequences. We also praise her for the times that she immediately takes responsibility for something. It isn't 100% but it does help a lot.

Answer 9

If he starts yelling, thats not good. But if he is simply debating, tell him "We will discuss this later when we are not so riled up". Your not going to get anywhere when your both upset. Please make sure he is yelling and not just raising his voice. My mother used to slap me when I got a higher pitch but I was not yelling. I have a resentment towards her now, even tough I have been on my own over 2 years. It wasnt the correct way to handle things.

Answer 10

I say he shut it and zip it until you ask him for some explanation. Most of the time if he is guilty of the accused, when he is given the chance to speak, he would just cry. If on the other hand he is talking when you are talking, he is clearly trying to defy your authority and you should put a stop to it immediately. I grew up not talking when an adult was speaking to me and it taught me patience in handling my emotions. Goodluck!