What is the funniest joke you know??

Question

Classic one - How do you make a kleenex dance? - You put a little boogie in it.

Answer 1

What did Spock see in the toilet?

The Captain's Log.

Answer 2

A Scotsman & a Englishman are strolling along the beach when they find a lamp. They clean it up and out pops a genie.

"I'll give you each one wish for freeing me" says the genie.

The Englishman thinks then wishes. "I believe in an England for the English, I'm sick and tired of all these Jocks coming into MY country. I wish for a huge wall around England - to keep the English in and the Scots out."

POOF and it's done.

The Scotsman thinks. "Genie?" he says "tell me about this wall". "Well" says the genie "it's 500 feet high, a third of a mile thick, nothing can get in and nothing can get out".

"OK" says the Scotsman "Fill it with water".

Answer 3

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named you daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom Ann, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
"Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Answer 4

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fruckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fruckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fruckin’ French toast."

Answer 5

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Answer 6

One cow said to the other "So what do you think about that mad cow disease?" The other one answers "what do I care, I'm a helicopter"
(or something of the sort I just read, it is hillarious!)

Answer 7

What do you call a cheese shop in Jerusalem? Cheeses of Nazareth!

Answer 8

HAHA that's hilarious.....I've never heard that one before

Sorry I don't know any jokes that aren't inappropriate.

Answer 9

Everyone says that money talks, but do you know what it says. (it says the same thing to everybody) Goodbye

Answer 10

how do you put the elephant in the fridge?
First open the fridge then put the elephant in and close the fridge....lol