HELP! HELP! What should my husband and I do in this situtation?

Question

Is there anything my husband and I can do to get our 20 month old to want to do more with my husband? My husband feels like our daughter doesn't like him. She crys ALL the time when he trys to do something with her, or if he trys to put her to sleep. (Ex. Last night he wanted to put her to sleep when it was bedtime, all she did was scream, scream and cry and cry, she was crying so hard that she seemed like she was in some kind of painhe tried everything to calm her down and to try to get her to lay with him) When I put her to bed she goes right to sleep with me. She cried for almost an hour 1/2 before he said here I don't want to make her hate me anymore and he gave her to me) I don't know why she is like this or what I can do to help him feel better and reasure him that its not him. I am a stay at home mom and I am with her all the time, I think that is part of the reason. Is there anything that my huband and I can do to get her use to him doing things with her.

I am sure any advice anyone is willing to give will be helpful in some way. Thanks for your time (to answer my question).

Answer 1

omg....how awful. this has got to be a very emotional hardship for the both of you. i am so sorry. i almost cried reading it.

the only thing i could think of it this, do you have playtime with your daughter? sit down time on the floor? have daddy sit down with you. no touching. let her come to him. slowly get him more involved. then you slowly move away until you are eventually out of the room. keep doing this until she stops noticing. every day. have daddy bring home a little gift everyday. and you don't have to keep buying toys. keep a little toy in the car that he brings in when he comes home. this will let her associate daddy with a smile. kids can be so easily bribed. when you put her to sleep, lay down with her between you and him in the bed. She should be close to you with contact between him and her. such as his hand rubbing her back, or stroking her hair. have him sing her a song, tell a story. you want your husband's voice to be the last thing she hears. make bath time, bedtime, and meal time a family event. have daddy do the feeding. you know, the whole airplane routine. when she wants to be picked up, YOU don't do it. have him do it. if she fusses, he puts her down. If she wants to be picked up again, he picks her up not you. this is a learning process. it will take time and patience.

also another thing. relax your husband. he may be feeling tense about something at work and your daughter is picking up on it. Maybe a glass of wine when he comes home.

just wait til she turns into daddy's little girl! then you will have a real terror on your hands!

Answer 2

As your question has gone unanswered so long, I'll give it a shot, but I have no idea what's going on here.

Maybe, since you two are together all day, she's frightened or jealous of him. Perhaps, when he first gets home, the three of you can do a little bonding all together. It might be that there's something about the hand off "He's here, so now you lose me and get him, instead."

You hold her, and the three of you try a group hug, first, then slowly move away, returning if she gets upset.

Another possibility is if he has recently grown a beard. Sometimes that terrifies little-uns.

I believe you should consult with someone in the field of psychology -- they may have come across this phenomenon before.

There is one other thought I have that I hate to mention, and that is that he has hurt her. If this could be possible, it's another issue entirely.

Answer 3

My niece acted the very same way! (and it was right around when she was almost 2 years old as well) One day I would be her favorite person in the whole world and the next day she would get a disgusted look on her face and burst into tears the moment she saw me walk through the door ! ... and sometimes that behavior would last for over a week... but then, out of no where ... she'd love me again and I was the greatest thing since sliced bread. :o)

I think it's a normal phase. But I understand your husbands feelings! It definitely made me wonder what was going on and why she didn't want to have anything to do with me sometimes. She doesn't mean to hurt his feelings... she's just trying to assert her newly discovered independence (and choosiness) a bit. I wouldn't worry about this behavior. She'll be over it in no time.

Promise.

Answer 4

That's rough. When this started happening with our first son, I would leave for a couple hours to go work out. Leave a few basic instructions, what she likes to eat, favorite movie, toys, books. Tell your husband it's ok to be animated and act goofy. Once he can make her laugh, more bonding will happen, it deepens the trust level. Have him take her out to the toy store, or park. They need to play together first, and you can encourage this by playing along,"Look at silly daddy is" " Let's get daddy(have a tickle fight)" OH yeah, when my son was little, we would all dance together, he still likes this. Or my husband and I would "squeeze the cheese", our son would be the "cheese" when we'd all hug. Our son still likes this, he's going to be five.

Doing things together is a big deal, it shows that you love her and him and that he's important too. It's always important to make sure the child sees the parents being loving towards eachother and them. It connects the bond between all of you.

Now, little girls might be different, if there's a special game you play with her that's girlie, get your husband to play it with her, no matter how ridiculous he might feel. Don't reprimand him when he tries, like "No, she doesn't like that" Let him figure out what works for him and her, just like you had to do, you had to figure out what works all on your own, let him have the same experience. If you leave them alone though make sure you're reachable just in case he needs to call you for advice, don't rush home right away, give suggestions first.

Answer 5

My daughter was the same way, my husband was deployed the first 6 months of her life then he worked nights so would hardly see her. But what we did was on his days off we'd go do family things like parks, fishing, beach, lake, and i'd leave the house go do things for my self ( get a pedicure ) and la=eave them together,,, really she was perfectly fine. They had fun with out me. but the second i walked in the door the crying would start. but now that sh'e 2 they get along way better. I make sure she kisss him when he leaves to work and before bed or naps and make sure to tell her through out the day that daddy loves her.... It's just a faze. she'll out grow it .. like others have said it's becasue we're stay at home moms who do all the daliy bonding but there daddy's day in the sun will come soon just make sure she does have alone time with him.

Answer 6

so many factors can affect- We have 2 kids but JUST turned 16 and 12- seems like it was yesterday we came back from the hospital with them-
so many great things in store- If hes there at that time(bedtime)-hey thats the first great step- just being around!!!- I worked crazy hrs- -A medic for 24 yrs! worked midnites and 1/2 days- But we switched roles(me and wife)

Knowing that each will get time with child-individually- u will create bonds forever- so magic word here is -- participate in everything- be there- and they will know if u r happy- Sure u aint gonna be perfect always but just be there- when u can- Dont get all upset u or he wont get a chance to do this or that- u will- u will!!!!!!
Favorite music, sounds relaxing techniques great for nite- bathing and rubdowns- hands on- but not all at once- must ease into all situs.Also- it could be (that time of the month-for ur kid)) ok just kidding- Hey females will always be fickle-and @ 20 mos she suddenly just might wanna be with mommy for 1 week or 3 weeks-solely- but dont get frustratred and participate- bottle feeding,eating-etc- or just be in the room- talking with you or her- the child will listen to the conversation- and u could always throw her name in there and talk about fun things

just being around is THE KEY. Find out a need she has- drink or something and ask her(the kid) if it sounds good to have-getting her approval and then ask if its ok for dad to go get it-he returns and watches and slowly over time- gives it to her or plays with her-
Kids can be like the markets- they r in control- we dont know where they will go- they just do- especially at this age(and later they will do how they were taught!)- ur there to guide- so they make the right choices as they go thru life- U r correct- it aint him- All he has to do now- is essentially- hang in there- can be frustrating but easing into anything is the best- remember anxiety is fear and she could be anxious from not know ing where daddy is thru the day- and suddenly hes there- why?- u gonna explain that?- well u could - and get some interesting looks- but this is all pretty much within normal limits

I dont know any kid that if they r fussy at bedtime wont fall asleep in the car- Sounds like cheating but we did it- and my kids r honors students

Could also coordinate many activites at days end so that she is "pooped out" and will fall asleep with him in the routine- but if cant be there by that time- make effort to plan that some other time- Time -and money- the two commodities u will see that can be so precious if used well.Know this also- Time is something u have no control over- well almost- sometimes money CAN buy it-but here it s just impearative to spend some more of it with this joy thats come into ur lives- If u do- I PROMISE the best is yet to come....................................

Answer 7

My little girl was exactly the same way and now she's 3 and a total daddy's girl. He works a lot and I am with her most of the time (when she was little and even now). At 20 months, that's a very hard time for the baby having separation anxiety. My little boy now is a year and starting the "mommy thing" (as we call it), but I know he'll snap out of it even though it's heartbreaking for the daddy. My husband mostly likes outside things so he would always take our little girl outside with him (kids like it outside so it works pretty good), and finally she outgrew the "mommy thing". The best thing is to give them time when you're not there. Don't force her to be with him with you right in the room because that may feel like betrayal to her and cause a lot of stress for everyone. And having only the daddy makes her eventually learn to trust him and rely on him. Even now there are times when I just hang out in the bathroom just to get time to myself and give our little boy the "out of sight, out of mind" time without me. If he can't see me he settles down a lot quicker with someone else, otherwise forget it. Also, your husband needs to relax cause kids pick up on the stress really quick and they don't snuggle up to that. My husband has a really hard time with that and gets more frustrated and then it's all downhill. Anyway, just give it time and pretty soon your daughter will just be the biggest daddy's girl you'll ever know, and then it's your turn to wonder where you fit in!! :)

Answer 8

You are absolutely correct when you say its because you are a stay at home mom....she is so used to mommy doing everything for her..that when daddy does something, then its out of her relm. Maybe if he just went slow...like on weekends..spend a little more time with her...maybe feed her or take her for a walk. Or if you need to run errands for a couple hours..let him keep her and if its around naptime..that might help too. After awhile she will start to trust daddy to be there for her too. Right now..all she knows is that daddy leaves and mommy stays, she knows he comes back....but she also knows he is gonna leave again.......it will work out......keep trying the bedtime...maybe with both of you putting her to bed at first...or take turns reading her a story while the other one is laying beside her. It will take some work and patience..but it will work out.....and one of these days..she will be daddy's little girl and you may feel left out....Good luck

Answer 9

When my daughter was born it was just the opposite.My ex was a stay at home mom but when I got home my little girl would wake up.Mom could not do anything with her.I would just walk over to where they was and put my hand on her little back and start talking and she quit crying.20 months she probally plays with dolls and stuff,I know men don't play with dolls but it's diferent when your daughter is involved.My little girl is now 7 and I still play with dolls.I gotta get my quality time with my babygirl before she grows up.The 3 of you could play games or just anything she enjoys and things will get better.Good Luck.

Answer 10

She's still very little. It's very natural for her to prefer mom. Let dad know that there will come a day when HE will be the favorite and mom will be chopped liver. Kids go back and forth on their favorites as they grown. Have him spend time playing with her and doing fun stuff during the day. Have him involved in the nighttime routine WITH you. Maybe all of you sit together while he reads her a book. He can gradually become a bigger part of the routine and maybe she would eventually accept him doing it all by himself. Encourage him to NOT let his feelings get hurt or get frustrated by it because it's really very normal for kids to have favorites. Like I said, when she gets a little older, his day will come and you'll be wondering why she prefers dad to you!