Ok, hypathetical situation. You are madly in love with this person. who at this point has never done anything to hurt you. You've been seeing them for a while now. Neither of you have a perfect track record, so you were both vague about your past. You were never looking for someone innocent by any means but one night you find out all kinds of interesting things. like this person was a convicted felon for the trafficing of a controlled synthetic substance, and an addict. On top of that they had had more partners before their 15th birthday than you had your entire life. Porn stars have proabably been with less people.
So like I said, This person doesn't seem like this anymore. she's been clean since she met me. As clean as I want her to be anyway. She seems to be incredably faithful. And on top of it all, as much as this stuff.... mainly the latter of it all, bothers me. I love her so much. Given I don't have a perfect track record either. Just nothing like that, should I bury this?
2006-08-10 04:50:54 · 29 answers · asked by mreff 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
This just really boils down to trust. If you love her so much, then you should be able to trust her. After all, she trusted you enough to tell you about her past. What was in the past should stay in the past. No one is perfect. What matters is that she's changed, but you have your doubts about her since you said that she "seems" to be incredibly faithful. Have more faith in her and work this out. In the end, it'll just strengthen your relationship with her.
2006-08-10 05:08:17 · answer #1 · answered by musicrazy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, it sounds like she was an addict and they often are sexually promiscuous. It was probably part of the addictive behavior, as was the criminal activity. IF it has been only a few years of sobriety, or less than that, or if she is not really sober now (you said, "as clean as I want her to be...", there is a very good chance that she will start using again and it will be a mess. Active addicts are just not capable of healthy relationships, and you'll get hurt if that happens, believe me.
If she was sexually promiscuous to that degree at such a young age, there is a good chance she was sexually abused or otherwise severely traumatized. Girls just don't do that to that extreme for no reason. Since this trauma is probably untreated, it could cause problems as well, is probably part of the reason behind the addiction, etc. It's all tied up together, no matter what came first.
So, it's a potentially hurtful situation to you, but no one can tell you what to do and no one can say for sure that things will go bad. You never know. Love is powerful. If you truly love her, talk to her, make sure she knows how much you care, and try to get some help together if possible. Couples counseling could help you both a lot to work on all this, deal with your feelings about it, and help her to heal. If her healing hasn't been done, she's at high risk for falling back into some of that. If you can love her in the present without judgment for her past, you can help her heal and deal with those issues.
Good luck, blessings, good wishes.
2006-08-10 12:04:39 · answer #2 · answered by mellexical 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, this must really be messing with your brain! That's an awful lot of stuff to digest! I guess ultimately this is a question of whether you have the ability to forget about the past. Truthfully, that's something I've never been able to do. I can't seem to let the past just be forgotten. Let's say a few years from now, your partner seems to be acting a bit off. Would your brain start traveling down the path of the past, wondering if she was being unfaithful again, or was she using again, and so on? Remember, once an addict, always an addict. It's a day to day struggle. Not to be too much of a downer here, but if your partner has had a problem with substance abuse, could her reproductive system been affected by this? Could you end up having children with serious medical problems because of her substance abuse issues?
It's a difficult decision. I had a decision like that many years ago, and I ended up breaking off the relationship, and I'm not sorry that I did. In the short run, it was difficult, but I knew I'd never be able to forget his past.
Good luck!
2006-08-10 12:00:41 · answer #3 · answered by SuzeY 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Of course someones past is important, we all know that. What she has gone through has made her who she is today. As far as her sleeping around when she was a kid or teenager really isn't her fault. She obviously had problems growing up and wound up in that kind of situation. I dont think any adult should be crucified for what they did when they were younger. As far as the addiction goes that's a whole different story. It would be one thing if she just used drugs recreational but she is addicted. Addiction is a very hard thing to deal with. It is a life long battle. I'm not saying she cant do it but you have to be willing to deal with the times when she falls off the wagon. At the end of the day you love her and said she is incredibly faithful. Her porn type past seems to be your biggest issue and if so I dont think you should hold that against her. She was just looking for connections that she was probably missing from her own family.
2006-08-10 12:00:40 · answer #4 · answered by JustMe 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you truly believe she is being faithful then yes you should bury it. Her past is her past, you weren't in it, so Its none of your concern. We've all done things we wish we hadn't, then we grow and have to learn to live with that regret. There is no reason to judge somebody for things they did to themselves, they are already doing that on their own. She didn't have to tell you, she is trusting that you will make the right decision. What you may want to consider however, is why she was like that. Women in particular have a tendency to rely on sex as a way of numbing pain, filling a void, receiving some sort of love.
People are the way they are for a reason. She's moved on, don't hold her back.
2006-08-10 11:59:17 · answer #5 · answered by Chrissy 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yeah you should. If she isn't like that anymore then you should not think about how she has been in the past. People change and maybe she was going though a really tough time and has gotten past that, so it wouldn't be good to treat her badly and she has changed for the better. Plus you aren't perfect either so you wouldn't want her to criticize you for the things you have done in your past would you?
2006-08-10 11:57:48 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Most definitely... it's not someone's past, but how they're with you today that truly matters. Maybe she's learned, changed, grown up .. I'm sure you can see that, just from the fact that you've put this question down. And considering you're not perfect yourself, then it would be unfair to judge another anyway!
2006-08-10 11:56:00 · answer #7 · answered by conspicuous 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am a firm believer that the past has alot to do with ones future....it tends to mold our behavior,it tends to develop our character that deals with life's ups and downs....if you feel the negative issues of her past have been overcome and she can be sincere with her actions....proceed with caution but if she still uses drugs and/or is very promiscuous then pass on what looks good now but will get real ugly sooner than later.
2006-08-10 11:59:41 · answer #8 · answered by Goodspeed 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
lots of people have done things in their youth they regret. If she has changed then the past should stay there. I say stick it out but don't rush into anything. Also since the multiple partner thing and apparently drug use I hope you are being careful and she has been checked for HIV Be careful and good luck
2006-08-10 11:59:15 · answer #9 · answered by crazyme 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If she meets the criteria you want right now then she is a catch. Alot of people have skeletons in their closet but that is the past and if they have gotton over that bump in the road and you don't feel they are going to fall back then there shouldn't be a problem. The past if it is left behind is just that, the past
2006-08-10 11:56:56 · answer #10 · answered by dmxdragon2 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋