Biological Parent remained out of life for almost 30 years, wants contact, is this right?

Question

If a parent that has remained absent for almost 30 years, didn't try hard enough to be there, was completely absent for over 28 years from your life, might have seen you all of 5 times in almost 30 years... would you allow that person to have contact wtih you? - all this despite years of trying yourself to contact tehm and they fail you every time...

How would you react if this happened to you and you had finally moved on with your life?

great to see so many answers. let me just clarify some things:

I'm not looking for closure,
I know the medical history,
I have contact with someone in his immediate family
People are reading into it too much and not giving answers as to how they would react.
I'm a Parent fo 3, I don't need education on what a parent should or shouldn't be.
I'm only asking if it's right - let's get somethign straight, this person has never been there, and yes people can change, but they can never be a parent to someone who doesn't need one... (don't forget I am a parent myself... what's gonnahappen, are they gonna give parenting advice on children already half raised... and quite well too might I add?)... no

please... just answer as to how you would react... I just want to read how people in the same kind of situation would react.

Thx

great to see so many answers. let me just clarify some things:

I'm not looking for closure,
I know the medical history,
I have contact with someone in his immediate family
People are reading into it too much and not giving answers as to how they would react.
I'm a Parent fo 3, I don't need education on what a parent should or shouldn't be.
I'm only asking if it's right - let's get somethign straight, this person has never been there, and yes people can change, but they can never be a parent to someone who doesn't need one... (don't forget I am a parent myself... what's gonnahappen, are they gonna give parenting advice on children already half raised, when they have never been a parent themselves... and my kids are raised quite well too might I add?)... no

please... just answer as to how you would react... I just want to read how people in the same kind of situation would react.

Thx

Answer 1

You seem to be wanting to find out how others would react, so you can decide how you yourself should react. From your follow up posts I can read some anger, and it's understandable because I've been there.

I am 42 years old, almost 43. My father and mother divorced when I was 4, and my 6th birthday was the last time I saw my father. He died in 1998, and oddly enough left his possessions, such as they were, to me. Me, the kid he never tried to contact for 30 years, knowing exactly what city I lived in (yet I had no clue where he was). I got to thinking...maybe I should have tried to find him and talk with him, if for no other reason than to finally put to rest that little voice in my head...the voice of the 6 year old version of me, the one that always wondered why Dad never came back to see me. But, I never got the chance.

How would I react? I'd sit down with him, ask how his life had been, then ask why he never contacted me in all this time, and tell him how I was a combination of HURT and PISSED OFF all that time, particularly as I was growing up. Then I'd listen to the explanation. It wouldn't matter whether I agreed with it or not...at least I'd know. That way I'd finally be able to satisfy the ghost of that little 6 year old kid that wondered what happened to Dad.

I know you've said you just want to know how people react, and don't necessarily want advice, but I'm going to give you some anyway. At a minimum, meet with him and have a talk. Get some things out in the open. If you are mad, tell him you are mad, and tell him why. Listen to what he says in return...maybe there's a story you don't know about, maybe not.

If nothing else, you can show him that you are doing just fine without him, and I think that would help you greatly. If you don't want him in your life after hearing what he has to say, fine... but it would benefit you to clear the air. I never got the chance to do that. Don't make the mistake I did.

Answer 2

If you want to hold onto the bitterness that's eating you up then don't let them contact you. If you want to resolve the situation and fill that hole in your life, you should at least meet them once. Then you will never leave this world with a regret. What would it hurt? You may not know why this person was absent and you may find that they have thought better of what they did in the past and want to apologize for it. At least give them a chance. If after the first meeting you don't feel a need to touch them an say "I forgive you", then go ahead and carry on this burden the rest of your life. They are trying to do you a favor and help you (and themselves) find closure. God bless.

Answer 3

I don't know what I would do exactly, but I would probably be inclined to see them once in a while. I would have a hard time getting over the abandonment though. I like to feel wanted, as do most people and it is very hard to feel that way towards someone that wouldn't have anything to do with you for so long.

Try talking to them and letting them know how bad they hurt you. It is insane for them to think that just because they say it is okay now that you will jump on the bandwagon. Try taking baby steps if this is what you want.

Answer 4

Just because someone was stupid and neglectful in the past does not mean that they can not change. If the parent has all of a sudden realized how wrong they were and wants to try to fix it, why not let them? Especially if this has been something you have been trying for for so long, you finally have it, now accept it for what it seems to be and enjoy it. It is never to late to start a relationship.

By not accepting the oppurtunity, you would be like a kid who keeps asking for a dollar and when the parent finally gives in and gives it to you and then you say you don't want it and get mad. Don't do that. I am not saying that this parent is "giving in" to you. But with age comes wisdom and possibly regret. People begin to realize the mistakes they made and try to repair what they can.

Answer 5

If closure is truly what you are after then meet with him and tell him how you feel. I was in the same situation with my dad. I am 35 years old and have seen him all of three times in my whole life. I decided when I was 21 and a parent myself to meet with him and tell him exactly how I felt. I told him I felt that he was a failure as a father, he was never there for me growing up. He never once apologized or showed remorse for not being there for me, so I cut the ties and haven't spoken to him since. It doesn't mean that I hate him, quite the contrary, I love him because of him I am here. I just decided that if wasn't important to me anymore to have his approval or love. I am a good person and a good mother and ultimately that's more important to me.

Answer 6

It is hard to accept someone like that, but sometimes it takes a while to have a change of heart. The first thing most people would do is not want anything to do with that person, but I know you are curious, as well, you never know what you may learn from what he does or doesn't do. Plus everyone deserves forgiveness, just think if Jesus could forgive us of our sins, and forigve us when he hung on the cross DYING, why should we be so reluctant to forgive some of these relatively small issues.

Answer 7

I would try to be an adult about the matter, even though it sounds like the parent has not been. Two wrongs don't make a right in any circumstances. For the sake of grandchildren and other family, I would give it a try and see what happens. You might need their medical history and you wouldn't know it.

Answer 8

wow, I am of two minds here.
it has been 30 or so years that my biological father has been "absent" and if he came around now.....I just don't know.
part of me is dying for even one meaningful conversation with him. part of my wants to hurt him and have him pay for his abandonment..I mean who does your parent think they are choosing to come around after all those years (for you I mean...mine wishes I was never born...and if he comes around in this lifetime it will be a miracle)
But I think you need to ask yourself this: what will I regret?
One day your parent will pass on, and any thing you wanted to clear up, ask , say, know, or discover will be lost with them. will you regret having missed the opportunity?
or will giving your parent a chance, being (and proving you are) a better person then they were by making kind and thoughtful choices where they are concerned, bring you regrets by opening old wounds that were silent?
I would venture that if you are at all like me, even when the wounds are not new, they still bring you pain from time to time. Maybe this is a chance to heal them for real, not just bandage and redress them.
I think I would give my father a chance, not to redeem himself, not to apologize, maybe get to know me and see what he missed out on, and hopefully the whole stupid situation could be put to real rest...finally.
btw I am a mother of 2 and if my father wanted contact or a relationship with my children that would be a whole different story..
good luck,
this time the choice is yours, last time it was theirs. That alone I think would feel gratifying.

Answer 9

I'm not a very forgiving person so I wouldn't want anything to do with him/her. And I could live with myself and that decision. Ask yourself if something happened and tomorrow he/she was gone, would you have any regrets about your actions? It's obvious that this person isn't responsible or reliable. Even if you decide to have a relationship, be prepared to be disappointed and don't count on too much. I would stick to phone conversations and maybe a monthly lunch or visit. Good luck and try not to take their actions personally.

Answer 10

This is the same situation with my husband and brother in-law, with their father. he chooses not to be apart of their life. Most people grow and change as they get older and more mature, some do not. We all have moved on with our lives and could't be happier. It is his loss and we do not regret the B.S. we avoided by not continuing to reach out to a selfish man. The sad thing is my husband almost put his own bio- daughter thru the same cycle that his father took them thru, he sees the cycle and wants to break it.All situations are different, do what you think is best for your life. GOOD LUCK!!!