How can I get my children to do what I tell them to do?

Question

I have 2 daughters, 11 & 14. I am divorced and their father is not in our life, so I am raising them all on my own. In a house with 3 females, it can get kind of chaotic. There are mood swings and personality clashes routinely. However, I have a big problem with them not doing what I tell them to do immediately. If I tell them to fold and put away laundry one day, it might be a day or 2 later before they get around to it. If I tell them to clean the bathroom or clean the countertops and table, it may or may not get done. They don't outright refuse to do what I tell them. They just act like what I say is negotiable and they can move at their own pace. My parents were very strict and I had to hop on demand or face a butt whipping and punishment, but I respect them today and am glad that they ruled with an iron fist, but I had my mom & dad at home. They were like a tag team. I know that my family dynamics are different. How can I tighten up on them but not alienate them? Help!!!

Yes, I expect them to do chores around the house. I work everyday (8-5) and support the household. They are young ladies and quite capable of helping maintain a clean and efficient home. Don't you think?

Answer 1

I didn't read any of the previous answers before adding my 2 cents, I didn't want to get others' perceptions before putting this down. Your girls are well old enough to do chores & help around the house - especially since you work full time. As a matter of fact, giving them responsitilities helps them learn. What you need to do is begin punishment when they don't do what you say as soon as you ask them to do it. I don't necessarily mean a good butt whipping (I was whipped, too, & I know the value of it) but you will have to teach them that there will be consequences if they disobey you. They are old enough that time out won't work but you can take away privileges. Put them in their room. Take away TV, take away computer time, take away phone time - if they have cell phones, actually physically take them away, etc.
You get the picture. Restrict them to the house if they won't obey. Explain that it's the three of you & you are a team - you depend on them to help you get through the days as smoothly as possible. Reward good behavior - that still works pretty good!
I am on the verge of starting some drastic changes at my house, too, because mine are giving me a hard time about not cleaning up after themselves. I hope some of this helps - & you don't have to resort to whipping - but let them know how you were raised & that you might consider it for them!!!! You just have to tighten up & be consistent with punishment - it's not easy; a lot of times its easier to do it yourself than to listen to the whining!! but you are only one person & it's time they pitched in to help you. Good luck my dear - hang in there!!!!!

Answer 2

I was raised by a single mom and i think she didn't do that good of a job with discipline. YOU HAVE TO STICK TO YOUR GUNS. Like you said your parents did it and you are glad they did. I know when I was a teenager I was very active and when I screwed up my parents grounded me instead of spanking me. I think it was better because at 14 your friends and school are a huge part f your life and if she has to sit in her room for a week everyday after school then she might be a little bit more inclined to do what you say.
As for the clothes let them sit in the basket in the room. They are the ones who have to wear them and if they are all wrinkled then so be it.Do let the older one know that if the clothes are not picked up and put away in atleast two days that she can start doing her own laundry, and from then on donn't wash any of her clothes. They do neeed to clean there rooms pick up around the house and help with day to day things. Your 14 year old will complain about your 11 year old not doing the same but remind her what she was doing at that age and that she will be doing the same when she reaches that age.Women can be firm you just have to stick to your word. If they don't do what you say take away the most important thing. I bet right now the phone has some pull around your house. Take the phone out of the house so she can't use it, and I bet she would be jumping through hoops to get it back.

Answer 3

I have a 14 year old boy and I get no help from his father. None. We live with my parents (we have our own floor of the house, and help out and pay rent) because I have to work 3 jobs and I don't like to leave him alone.
It's a situation that so many single moms are in right now. Recently, my son was being very disrespectful and it seemed like there was nothing I could do or say to make him change his attitude. I started crying and I couldn't stop and he came to me to say he was sorry for the 10, 000th time.
I calmed myself down and I started talking to him about my situation. I figured that he is old enough to begin to understand some things.
I told him that nobody is ever going to love him or care about him the way that I do.
I asked him who is the first person he comes to when he needs help or wants something and he said it was me.
I told him that everything I do is for him.
I asked him how he would feel if he had to work so hard and be disrespected by someone that he cared so much about. He said he would feel terrible.
Anyway, it seemed to help. We talked for about an hour. It's been a few days and, so far he has been alot better.
Your girls are growing up. Maybe the three of you could get together and just talk like I did with my son. Good luck.

Answer 4

um... hell yea. Just slap them across the face. Ok, so you probably wont do that. Talk to them. Tell the, how much you're struggling with juggling work and house work. Tell them that the least they could do is help with what you need. One whooping once in a while wont hurt. Thats what my mom did. She hit me once when I was like 16 or 17 and I had chores after that.

If that doesnt help then start taking privileges away. That will work wonders. Example: "Mom, can I go out with Tammy to the mall?" "Has that laundery been folded? No? Then no you may not. Go to your room." Get a little tougher. They are walking all over you!!

Good luck. You could also still slap 'em across the face. :)

Answer 5

Mom, I would have a sit down talk with my girls. Ask them why they refuse to obey orders that you give them. Be open and listen to them when they talk and don't interrupt. So they can feel, that they can talk to you about anything. Also let them know how it makes you feel, when they don't do what you ask. Ask them what would you do if you were the mom and I didn't listen to you or don't react right away. Example: They might ask you for something like a new game, clothes, cell phone or something of their interest. Do you get it right away for them or do you just get when you can? Also if you don't get it right away do you let them know that you can't right now and you'll get it another time or just a reason why.

On the tighten up part....... start taking away privileges and tell them why your taking it away. Let them know that it's about respect and until they start giving it to you, don't expect to get things back. Also if you chastised them when they were small, doing it now shouldn't be a problem. If you know that when you do it(chastise or discipline), you see changes and improvement. Do what works mom and always keep communication between y'all fluent and open.

Just a few suggestions and things to look at from both points of view. :) I hope this helps a little. :)

Answer 6

First of all, I really don't ever think that "getting physical" is an answer to parenting problems. All it does is show that you can use might instead of brains. My parents raised me without hitting me, and they were probably the exception rather than the norm in the 50s-60s.

Taking away privileges is a good idea. And stick to it. Let them know, if they don't "get" it already, that you are working hard to support them without any other parent to help; that you need them to pitch in when you tell them to. Tell them that if you dawdled at work regarding accomplishing things, the boss wouldn't be too happy and you might lose your job. Let them know that because someday they will have jobs themselves.

Be firm and loving. Tell them that they make it harder for you by not getting things done when you ask. And that if they do get things done when you expect them to be, maybe show your appreciation in some little way (some special thing you don't usually do for them).

Answer 7

I'm 21 now but my mother went through the same thing when we kids were younger. I have 2 older brothers. My parents divorced when I was 8. Our household was just like yours. Unfortunately, young children do things at THEIR OWN pace. What you might consider doing is if they don't complete something, don't let them go to their friends house, or etc until they complete the chore. It sometimes took me a week to clean my room when I was younger. It's just a phase they're going through. You don't remember because your generation is different from your childrens, always remember that. Also, when they do good and listen to you, treat them to dinner at their favorite restaurant, or take them to a movie and ice cream. Make sure you show them that you are thankful for them helping you out. Afterall, you ARE a single parent and you DO need the help from your 2 daughters. Tell them that also - that you need their help. Make them feel needed. Good luck!

Answer 8

We all need guidence in our lives.Sounds like ur daughters are trying their wings now there is no Dad around.U need 2 sit them down / ask what do they want 2 get this family working 2 gether.Maybe u are trying 2 make up for no Dad .I am sure later maybe not right now they will appreciate u more if u lay down more ground rules .Try making schedule with jobs 2 be done / stick 2 it.Tell them if u worked at any pace u wanted 2 they would not have it so good.God Bless I know it is not easy .But stick 2 ur guns .

Answer 9

My son is 14 and it's like pulling teeth to get him to do anything around here(unless he wants to do something or needs a ride, then he's EXTREMMMMMELY helpful). I have found out lately, however, that if I begin cleaning and ask him to help, he is more apt to help out. If I am in the kitchen I will say "will you unload the dishwasher and wipe down the table for me?" I also make sure he understands that if his bathroom and bedroom are not clean(not meticulously clean, but no papers, clothes or books on the floor, and bed made) he will not be rewarded with any money if he wishes to go to the mall, and he will not have any sleepovers at friend's houses or be able to go anywhere until it is done. Usually with some grunting and minor whining he's off to take care of his chores.

You have to be firm. being a single parent with an absent father can be draining at times. although I am engaged now, I still handle most of the discipline as I am the biological parent and it is more my responsibility than his to delegate chores and reprimand my son for unruly behavior.

You can be firm, without ruining your relationship. they are truly testing the waters with you to see how far you can go before you give in and say "forget it, i'll just do it myself". dont do that. No matter how much whining and yelling they do, send them to their room if they refuse to help out. eventually they will realize that you are serious, and will tow the line as far as chores are concerned.

I've been there, and being a single parent, working full time, can be stressful and you tend to give in, rather than argue with a mouthy teen after listening to your boss and customers drone on all day long. It can be tiresome to say the least. but if you want to make some changes with your daughters' attitudes, you have to start with your own first, and let them know what's to be expected of them and not letting them have their way.(not easy, but definitely "do-able".)

Good luck!!!!

Answer 10

my daughter is 13 and is doin the same, these days they all feel they run us cause of the law gettin involved in it, I have started this be consistent thing and not a nice parent any more, we are gettin a lil better not there yet, but mine is one who doesnt out right refuse just plays the game didnt hear or forgot thing and doesnt get done at all till I blow, the computer and friends is another hard thing to get away from to do, gettin a lock and key for computer room and a timer only an hour a day , some times we gotta get like the military, dont like to and I survived 3 sons but the daughter is the hardest, good luck,