does anyone know any good jokes?

Question

who ever makes me laugh gets 10 big ones!

Answer 1

Two old ladies sitting on a park bench.
A man approaches wearing a long coat which he quickly lifts, flashing his naked body...
One old lady has a heart attack...
The other has a stroke...

Answer 2

A trainee pilot and a professional pilot went on a test run but the professional had a heart attack,so the trainee called for help and when he got a responce he said......
Trainee:The pilot has just had a heart attack.
Air controller:Ok can you tell me how high you are.
Trainee:How the hell am i supposed to know that.
Air controller:There is a Altimeter on the dash board.
Trainee:Ok i see it,im at 10.000 feet
Air controller:Ok now we are getting somewhere,what speed are you doing.
Trainee:I don't know!
Air controller:There is an air speed indicator on the instrument panel.
Trainee:I see it,I'm going 150 mph.
Air controller:How much cloud is there where you are.
Trainee:All i can see is tree's and fields,i think I'm upside down.
Air controller,What makes you think that,at first you didn't even know how high you were and how fast you were going so how do you know
Trainee:I can feel the sh*t running past my collar.

Answer 3

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say theline Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play hes practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

Answer 4

OK here is a joke from Ireland . hope it makes you laugh..... Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly.So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Colin were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy". The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Colin in to identify the body. Colin took a look at him and said, "Yup,he's burnt real bad, roll him over".The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked
down and said, "No, it
ain't Paddy". The mortician asked, "How can
you tell?" Colin said,
Well, Paddy had two assholes." "What, he had
two assholes???" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two asshole s...."

Answer 5

hear about the irish punk he pulled the pin from his nose and his blew up.hear about the jewish guy who had hard on he walked in to a wall and broke his nose.jewish guy walking along looks in to a shop window and sees an old table for a 1000pounds.with that he walked in to the shop and said to the assisant 1000pounds for that table to many zeros isn,t there?no replied the shop keeper its a magic table.hows that replied the jewish gentleman.you ask it a maths question and it will answer you replied the shop keeper.ok replied the jewish guy how much money have i got in my back pocket?with that the table jumped up and down 5 times.thats right said the jewish guy do you take american express?.we do replied the shop keeper.with that it was delieverd to the guys house in his front bay window.his neighbour was looking at it when the jewish guy said come in and have a look.what a crappy looking table said the neighbour.its a magic table said the jewish guy you ask it a maths question and it answers it.its rigged said the neighbour.ask it he replied.ok then said the neighbour how much money has the jewish guys wife got in the bank?with that the table went berserk and jumped up and down 50,000 times.hows my wife got 50,000 pounds in the bank asked the jewish guy.with that the legs spread and the draws dropped

Answer 6

A guy comes home from the casino and says to his wife he just one a million dollars so pack up her bags. She replied if she should pack for warm or cold weather, and in return he says he didn't care just to be out of his house in 30 minutes.

Answer 7

Whats 10 inches long and hangs in front of a ****?Tony Blairs tie.

Answer 8

That old men are to be fed Viagra in hospital as part of NHS cut backs. It's to stop them rolling out their beds for the nurses.

Answer 9

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Answer 10

Why did the one handed man cross the road?

To get to the second hand shop.