Your advice please....?

Question

I am in a very loving relationship with my bf and we are very happy. For some reason I always ask him if he is okay and just test him on stuff, I don't know why I do this as I trust him 100%. I have been very hurt in the past, so don't want to go through it again. I don't want to push him away because I love him so much and am really happy being with him, but these mad thoughts come into my head. Please can I only get replies from people who will give me genuinly helpful advice and not take the mickey out of me xx

Answer 1

i can understand why you do what you do, but be careful that you dont push him away with all your 'testing' questions.

if you truely trust him then you dont need to ask the questions, if you have doubt then that is the reason why you do.

im sure your worrying for nothing, the longer you are together and the more you get to know each other, im sure you will start to feel more confident in your relationship.

good luck.

Answer 2

i think that you have two issues here which are combining and compounding

One is a low self esteem where relationships are concerned, you have been hurt and those hurts have taught you that people are not to be trusted. Secondly you have some insecurity, abandonment problems and/or jealousy which is a result of all of this.

I think what you need to do is look at what -triggers- these episodes where you feel you need reassurance from your partner. Identify the triggers, and then your mind can rationally see that they have nothing to do with your current circumstances.

Just as an example let's imagine he says he has to go and work late- and maybe in the past a partner cheated on you and claimed this as an excuse. What you need to do is realise that there is a reason for your reaction, it might come from deep in your past but realise that the way you are reacting has nothing to do with the here and now. It is an old defense reaction from the past.

There is nothing wrong with you at all, it's very normal- this is the human brain's way of coping with distress.

Let your mind be aware that the way you are reacting is because of these old hurts -at the time that it happens-. I know, very well how hard it is, but if you keep it rational in your mindyou will know that your partner himself is not to blame, and that it's just your mind being in a habit of defending itself.

What you should also do, is sit down and really open yourself to him and explain to him these past hurts. This is a display of the complete trust you have in him if nothing else and is something you need to do. if you don't fully explain everything to him he may think that the way you are being is because he has done something to upset you!. Tell him that things may happen, or you may be in a place or see an object or hear something that could bring back these memories for you. Through no fault of your own your mind may react defensively.

Tell him this isnt his fault, and it isn't a reflection of your trust in him whatsoever.

If he loves you he will listen and be understanding and considerate, it will take some patience and time but gradually the ghosts of your past will fade beyond memory.

As for a self esteem boost. At moments when you feel low try to think of a time when you felt very in control and confidant- and picture it in your mind. Dwell on what you have achieved not what you have lost or mistakes you have made.

You have a good relationship and your partneer has given you no reason not to trust. All you have to remember is that your mind is a powerful tool, it has the power to generate emotional problems but it also contains the power to overcome them too, all you have to do is be aware of it.

I wish you well

S
x

Answer 3

Ok babes, you were hurt in the past and its very hard to just forget about this when you're in a new relationship. HOWEVER - dont overtest your boyfriend or he will leave you - why not talk to him - explain that you realise that you are kinda demanding but you are only learning how to trust men again and that you only do it coz you love him so much. Ask him to be honest with you on how he feels about the whole thing - if he loves you he will be able to convince you with his answer, then just clean the slate clean with the trust issue - tell him you are going to try very hard not to be testing him, but you'll need his help along the way.
Im sure he'll understand and help you - it wont happen overnight - but soon you'll be able to enjoy the relationship without any doubts in your head!! Best of luck

Answer 4

Its a totally psychological thing, being hurt in the past has heightened your suspicions and not just of your partner but everything around you, do you sometimes feel like people are lying to you or you want to catch someone out even though there's nothing going on? You have to sit down with your partner and explain that you love him and trust him with all your heart but that you have grown up like this and it has affected you. You don't mean to be suspicious but after what happened in the past you're subconsciously expecting to be hurt again and maybe every once and a while he could give you the assurance you need, hope it works out for you x

Answer 5

I know how you feel. I trust my partner 100% too, but there is a part of me which is always seeking reassurance that he still feels the same about me. He loves me as I am, and that includes my insecurities. Just talk to him, tell him your worries, and make sure he understands that you can't help asking if he is ok etc. but that it isn't because you don't trust him, but because of your past. If he's a decent guy he will understand, and be only too glad to reassure you.

Just make sure that they are only questions and not accusations. If you start to accuse him of things then this will convince him that you don't trust him, and could ruin what sounds like a great relationship.

Answer 6

Trust him 100%? being hurt in the past keeps you from trusting others, even the one you love! dont get me wrong but i think you need to be more open to your bf about your past hurts... you may push him away or maybe not... but if there's anyone out there who could really give advice, or tackle the problem straight right up is your bf because it's really between you and him. good luck!

Answer 7

well ur been hurt and no matter how much he loves u and u love him ur going to have that in the back of ur head.ur going to think hes going to hurt u and u know what if it keeps up u just might get that cuz u doubt him and he will leave.u need to know that all guys are not like the one who hurt u.we all been hurt and we have to deal with it before jumping to another relationship.so u r in a relationship and u love him and he loves u and he has done nothing to hurt u so u need to stop those thoughts in ur head.its not fair to him and its not good 4 u to do that.you need to just tell him that u been hurt and its hard for u to trust without thinking what will happen in future.tell him u are going to place ur all in him and hope that he dont hurt u.let him know whats on ur mind.guys cant read them u know.so just be open and tell him how u feel and c what happens.u both love eachother so it will work out.ur both happy so keep it like that and good luck

Answer 8

if you keep asking him if he is OK, in his mind the idea that YOU think things aren't OK will grow and as you said.. you will push him away, so don't do that. stop testing him.
you should clear your mind of past experiences, because he has nothing to do with your ex partners and this relationship is different from past ones. this is a new thing, a different and totally new relationship that should be drawn on a BLANK sheet. so stop expecting things, and stop thinking of the past. don't imagine things. draw conclusions based on Facts. use your instincts based on how well you know HIM and don't use instincts based on past experiences because HE has NOTHING to do with who hurt you in the past.
you are being negative as you think of this relationship. stop that. you have no reason to do that. you have ALL the reasons to be positive, as you said, you love him so much and you are really happy being with him.
you said you trust HIM 100%. then trust HIM 100%.

Answer 9

hey u cld try to explain 2 ur bf that although u do trust him and ur happy wif him you only ask him and test him because you have been hurt and that you understand it may be annoying for him you could also try to not ask him as often and talk to him about your worries to help him understand.i no its hard but try to relax it mite be easier after u have explained to him y u worry. maybe even just keeping in touch during the day wen ur not gna see each other will make u feel better e.g. a wee text message but no too much u dnt wna keep checking up on him! try to relax and if he understands bout ur worris then u prb dnt ave nefing to worri bout neway! good luck

Answer 10

i have had a very similar situation with my fiance, i love her tottally and so deeply it can scare me, however at times i have had the same thoughts as you, i am currently almost unable to walk due to illness which means that i feel low about myself and sometimes wonder why she sticks by me but she has without any question, due to all the recent stress she has taken a holiday in barbados and that was a huge jar, however i truly feel that she needs that space and appreciates the fact even in this state i am willing to give it to her.

if the relationship is good then its good, he will appreciate you trusting him and supporting him, that will make the relationship even stronger and in turn you more secure,

i hope this helps