What's the nastiest joke you've ever heard?

Question

I'll tell you mine, if you tell me yours!

A little boy and girl were outside playing and they were very competitive. The little boy said "My wagon's bigger than your wagon!" The little girl said "No it's not!" The boy said "Is too! Let's measure!" They measured and the girl said "Oh gosh, it is." They played some more and the boy said "My daddy can beat up your daddy!" The girl said "He can not!" The boy said "Can too! Watch!" The two fathers fight and the little boy's father wins. The girl says "Oh gosh, he can." They play some more and the little boy smiles and says "I've got something you don't have!" The little girl says "Do not!" The boy says "Do too! Look!" He pulls his pants down and shows her. The little girl starts crying and runs into her house because she keeps losing. A little while later she comes out with a big smile on her face. The little boy says "What are you so happy about?" The girl pulls up her dress and says "My mommy said as long as I have one of these, I can get as many of those as I want!"

Answer 1

The wives of four world leaders are talking together about
what a penis is called in their language.

The wife of Tony Blair says : in England people call it a
gentleman, because it stands up when women are
present.

The wife of Boris Yeltsin says : in Russia you call it a
patriot,
because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on
the back
side.

The wife of Chirac says : in France you call it a
curtain, because it goes down after the act.

Well, the wife of Clinton says : in the USA you call it a
rumour,
because it goes from mouth to mouth.

Answer 2

Beverly Hillbilly Bobbitt
(Sing to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies)

Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John, A poor ex-marine with little fraction gone, It seems one night after gettin' with the wife, She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife. Penis, that is. Clean cut. Missed his nuts.

Well, the next thing you know, there's a Ginsu by his side, And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride. She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend, And tossed him out the window as she came around the bend. Curve, that is. Tossed the nub. In the shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed the attack, And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back. They sniffed and they barked and they pointed, 'over there!' To John Wayne's Henry that was waving in the air. Found, that is. By a fence. Evidence.

Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart too long, So a dick doc said, 'Hey, I can fix that dong!' 'A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need,' and the whole world waited till they heard that Johnny peed. Whizzed, that is. Even seam. Straight stream.

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court, With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short. They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape, And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape. Video, that is. Unexposed. Case closed.

Answer 3

(No offence to anyone of any religion - it's just a joke)

There is a Muslim Mufti, a Protestant Minister and a Catholic Priest on a cruise ship for disadvantaged kids. The boat hits a reef and start to sinks. The Mufti quickly says to the other two, "we better save these kids", the Protestant Minister says "f*** the kids" and the Catholic Priest says "do you think we have time?"

Answer 4

I know a few, but none that beat Poor Man's Hero!!!! LOL I felt really bad for laughing at it!

Answer 5

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Answer 6

I can't say it on Yahoo...It's too bad but it sure is funny

Answer 7

Whats the difference between a catholic priest and a zit?

A zit doesnt come on your face till you are about 13

Answer 8

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.
He turned to the second duck,
"Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too.
Been in and out of puddles all day myself.
What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said,
"So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

Answer 9

I found that very funny, not nasty. I probably would've laughed too.

Answer 10

this is sick as all hell

A mother just delivered a baby the doctor picked it up and threw it agains the wall, then picked it up again and threw it on the floor and stepped on it. The parents were terrified the doctor smiled and said just kidding he was already dead


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