Do I have to buy my stepdaughters just as much as the kids who live with us?

Question

My husbands 2 daughters live with their mom. His son,my son, and our daughter live with us. The girls dont like to come over to our house. They dont like me telling them what to do, and our rules are different than at their moms, so they would rather just stay at her house. They are both spoiled rotten (much more than their brother who lives with us) and their mom and stepdad buy them stuff all the time. They do, however, want to come when it gets close to their birthdays or Christmas. I think that they take advantage of my husband and use him to get gifts, and if he isnt buying them stuff they dont want to see him. I dont feel that I should have to get them as much for Christmas as the kids who actually live with us. I know that as soon as Christmas is over they will just go back to trying to get out of coming over until their birthdays come back around. Can I just buy them a couple of gifts and be done with it? I say me, because my husband hates to shop and wants me to do it

My stepson was always labled the bad kid when he lived with his mom. No he didnt get as much as his sisters, especially not the youngest one. I would hope that at that age I wouldnt have been a selfish brat like I think they are. They want nothing to do with their dad unless he is spending money on them.

Just a comment: I dont care if these girls hate me till the day I die. If they are simply going to use their dad like he is a money tree and only want to spend time with him when he is buying them stuff or spending money on them, then I dont want to see them or spend mine and my husbands hard earned money on two girls who dont care anything about us unless we have our pocket books wide open to them. So if that makes me a wicked stepmom, excuse me for not liking being used or liking seeing my husband used. If they came over because they wanted to see and spend time with their dad, brother, and half sister, it would be different. I dont care if I am not their mom, I have a right to set down rules in my house and expect any child who enter it to obey those rules. If they dont want to obey our rules and stop being hateful to the other kids then the probably dont need to come over then.

Answer 1

you definitely should not be buying them as much as you buy for the kids living with you!! those girls are their mom's responsibility the most of the time! if their mom and stepdad have tons of money to spend, then let them do it! get them a couple of gifts and be done w/ it! make sure to discuss this w/ your husband though, since they are his kids, to make sure this is ok! also, i would have a talk w/ their mom about them respecting you and in your house! they should not act that way with you! set the rules, and if they don't like it, they can go home! or be punished!! good luck!!

Answer 2

I was in a blended family, and my step-mother always spent more on her own kids than she did on me. I could tell. I mean, yes, it was a joint gift from her and my dad, but when her kids got twice as much as I did, it was no secret. And I lived there too! I realize now that it had more to do with the void between us (we were never, ever close and never,ever will be) and that I really would have resented her insincere gift (as I do now when I get the obligatory gift). Here I am 35 years old and it still smarts when I think of how differently I was treated. I put up a very big wall pretty quickly to keep out the hurt. Maybe they have too.

What I really think is that my dad should have felt free to give me something just from him that was special, because that would have meant a lot. But if you can connect with these girls, which means leaving your armor at the door and admitting any shortcomings you may have, and try to get to know them, maybe the gift giving will be easier. You may have already tried that and had it blow up in your face. So my advice if you can't is buy what you're comfortable with, but don't let them see that the other kids got more. Even if they are spoiled with bad attitudes, they won't see that truth, and it will just alienate you more. In their minds they won't see the connection between behaving and trying to get along all year and potentially more or better gifts. Unfortunately, there is no right answer or easy solution here. I applaud any blended families who can make it work. It is very difficult.

Answer 3

Wow tuff question, personally I feel the same way u do, these kids are using their father around holidays or b-days to get gifts, I feel sorry that u have to do the buying. But you must remember these are his kids and he loves them in a way that you can't he needs to compete with the new father in there lives, not an easy thing to do. So if competing for affection means buying them extravagant gifts what do you think ur husband will say? I say tell him no he has to think and come up with gift ideas for his own children, and that you are uncomfortable with this, have you tried to explain the situation with him, do you think you can, or will he react negatively, communication is important in a healthy relationship, sorry I couldn't be more helpful, but I trully wish You luck with this situation.

Answer 4

I totally agree with you. Its not right that they do that to you all but they are just young girls. But if they see that their other siblings are getting more than them, that might start something. Does his son get as much stuff as the girls do from his mom? And what does your husband say about this? You dont want to get stuck in the middle of a fight or bad feelings....like if your husband thinks you are playing favorites. Just talk to him about it so you both can be on the same page. Good luck.

Answer 5

Buy them one or two gifts and then forget it. One from you and their dad and one from their siblings. They are getting more from their mom and step dad and as you have said they don't want to come around unless they are going to get something for it. Maybe when they stop getting so much they will stop coming around all together and you can just send their gifts until they are 18 and then only send them cards with a check. I am sure they would not have the manners to send thank you cards for anything they receive.

Answer 6

Under the circumstances you described I would have a talk with their mother..... It is HER responsibility to stop the girls selfish behavior.
Your husband needs to sit down with his daughters and let them know how the rest of the family is feeling... Their behavior is unacceptable.

I feel for you....... I wouldn't do them any special favors.... You might consider putting a limit on the amount of money that you spend for any birthday.... We had a $100 limit per child...

Answer 7

i understand your husband not liking to shop but these are HIS daughters! he needs to be the one to talk to them when they are disrespectful and rude. if anyone should talk to their mother it should be HIM! He should pick out thoughtful gifts for his daughters for their bdays and christmas. t he gifts shouldnt be stingy because he is their dad but it doesnt sound like they need/deserve to be showered with gifts. find a happy medium. its more important that the gifts are special and meaningful whether than how many there are or how much they cost. it sounds like your husband is the one who has been spolied by you when you spend time worrying and doing his dirty work. if i were you i would talk to my husband and tell him the situation and suggest what you think needs to happen but then be open to his point of view and ultimately make him make the decisions regarding his daughters. then i would step back and be there soley for support.

good luck and i admire you for going through all the complications of a blended family.

Answer 8

i had a step mom like you and i hated her to this day i do not talk to my father because of her it`s been14 years since i have talked to him buy those girls as much as the rest then try to act like a mother to them or a friend and maybe the will grow up not hateing you and if i were you i would go see a head doctor about how you feel about them and get some family counseling

Answer 9

It's very hard on your situation now like the world said life never end without problem yeh... even you like it or not you have to face and anywhere they just a kids, they need someone to cares about them especially your husband now because it's still their father ! Just do and act like normal try to now them well and believe me good always bless you withever you do a good things.

Answer 10

I'd say treat them as you would want to be treated. If you were spoiled rotten- would you expect to get a lot of cool gifts from your stepmom whom you disrespect? Buy them gifts from your heart. That's what gift-giving is all about, anyway.