Hubby is new at this and I dont want to be mean!?

Question

i already have a daughter and i am 37 weeks into the first pregnancy with my husband...he's been around since my first daughter was a year old but thats a lot different than being around a newborn. he's a USMC and shows it a lot in his parenting style and it aggravates my how hard he is on my 3yr old sometimes and when i say something to him he gets aggravated with me. Now with a new baby i'm afraid he is going to be even harder on her and he doesnt understand things like how fragile the baby is going to be at first. How do I approach him with this topic without seeming like i'm trying to overrun his parental status??

*for the record my husband is not ABUSIVE in ANY way shape or form and I didnt mean it to come off like that he is just set in his ways and seems to think she should be wiser than she is because he had never been around small children before her* and no she is not his I had her while I was in highschool before we met.

Answer 1

When I met my husband I had a 7 mo old. When we got married the baby was 2. He seemed too hard on him to me I assumed it was becasue it wasn't his biological child so when we had a new baby I thought he would be easier on that one...so far I was kind of right. The youngest is 2 now and he gets away with more then the oldest did but still gets punished. After having a baby together he did ease up a lil on the older child.

Maybe that will happen with your hubby as well. Something about having a baby changes people and though he may have been around from infant stages with the frst it is just different when it is your own and you are there from before day one ya know.

If it doesn't happen and you have to talk with him just have a conversaton, not a fight. Say words like "I feel" instead of "you do this and you don't do that." If you start blaming or picking he will automatically stop listening but if you say "I really like it when such and such" or "I would like to see more" Also use your daughters name ie..."Sally tries really hard but I think she feels defeated when she gets yelled at for this maybe we can come up with some way to help her better"....you get the idea? A teacher once told me when we were learning how to do parent teacher confrences that " Reality is Perception" so what ever someone percieves as happening that is reality to them- remember that it helps a lot in conversations such as this.

That is what I do when I think my hubby is getting to hard on the kids, it seems to work for a while then he just needs a reminder occasionally. But remember men parent different then women and kids need that stern figure to a point.

Good luck , congrats on the new baby, and thank your husband for his work for our country!

Answer 2

First, I would ask you to recognize the things about your husbands personality that will be a strenghth to your parenting team. For example, he will probably be a very consistent parent always following the rules that you have set down as parents. Consistency is one of the most important things to successful parenting. If you can recognize his strengths, it will make it easier for you to be less judgemental of him.

Second, the two of you definitely need to sit down together (with or without a professional) and come up with an agreed upon parenting philosophy. House rules are always a good place to start. Recognize that you will both have to probably make compromises in order to come up with something that you are both happy with. (This is why bringing in a professional may be a good idea) Also, never disagree with each other in front of or within hearing range of the children.

Third, maybe as part of your final baby preparations, you can do some reading together about newborns and what to expect. The What to Expect Books are pretty good. Even though you have been through it before, he hasn't. If you do it together, then its less about him and more about the two of your working together as a family.

Oh and don't wait too long! That baby could be here any day now!

Answer 3

You have to respect his style, after all, he is the father! I found that if I treated my husband like he didn't know what he was doing, he wouldn't help me too much, but if I just sat back and let him be him, than he felt much more confident than if I was leaning over his shoulder. I'm sure he'll be shocked at just how tiny and fragile the baby is and he might even be scared to hold him/her or help you change diapers, or help with feedings, etc! Just try to relax and work with the personality that he has; maybe talking to him about it in a non-confrontational kind of way, would help. Sounds like your husband has a lot of pride, so be sure to stroke his ego a lot in-between, it always works wonders! And if you give him a "job" to do, I'm sure he'll do it! Like maybe clean the house or take care of the 3 yr old or go shopping for you, etc. You'll be surprised what happens if you only ask the question! Good Luck!!

Answer 4

My father was a military man, and was also very hard on us,, but I think that both his career choice and his attitude toward us had to do more with his childhood experiences than with the department,,, but the military reinforced a lot of unhealthy stuff too. He got PTSD, both from his own family and from his war experiences, and that affected us.

I'm sorry to say, also, that his attitude toward your daughter may be different than the attitude he will have towards his daughter. It sounds like he may not really have good parenting skills. There are books and groups that can be helpful in doing 'consciousness raising' and helping develop better interpersonal and parenting skills. If this triggers 'issues' that he has from his childhood that makes it more complicated and long-term, but I would insist that your daughter be treated well, and both of them. Military 'us and them' is not appropriate in families.

I don't want to go into what my experiences were in detail, but kids need to be nurtured and loved, and not drilled.

Answer 5

You shouldn't talk to him "in the moment" when he disciplining your child in a way that you don't like. Wait until a time when your child is not around, and calmly tell him that you think you guys should talk about your parenting strategies. It's not helpful to kids if their parents have totally different ideas about discipline and parenting. You two need to talk and come to a medium that will be the best for your kids.
Also, he does not have to hit your kid to be abusive. Sometimes verbal abuse can be more traumatic than physical.

Answer 6

My husband (also USMC) is the same way . Just tell him that he needs to learn to use different tones, and just because they get to yell at nuggets doesn't mean he can treat your child like one, she's still learning be patient..... It's taking time but he's doing better we have 2 kids younest 8 months oldest 2yrs. I stick up for her and counter his rough ways, They aren't home long enough to know how kids work. Teach him . Show him how you do it ..oops i ment you should be too.
In my home I'm the C.O. you should to

Answer 7

well, my friend and i discused this one and we agreed that this new experience it self will change him. my friend said he changed when he went to lamaz class and read books. it made him realize how fragile and important these babies are. I think that pregnancy changes men ... and if he is there when your baby is born he will see a new kind of light and it being his will also help his ways. I dont think you need counciling or therapy but some time together to bond with your baby and prepare together. he will get frustated but help him as kindly as possible. he sounds like the kind that learns on his own.

Answer 8

Take some prenatal classes with him. Maybe get some marital counsiling so you can discuss how you feel but do it before the baby is born so you both can be on the same page. Good luck

Answer 9

When my daughter was born I was almost scared to even hold her.I could see how fragile she was.I think once your baby is born and he sees first hand how fragile an infant really is it will make a big diffrence.

Answer 10

I think he'll soften up when he lays his eyes on his new son/daughter. Most men do when the realize how small and delicate they are. If he doesn't,just talk to him about things. If you have to tell him how to do something, say it, and follow with Yeah, I was so silly I didn't do whatever. Don't make him feel stupid,lol. Try to empathize with him.