You make me laugh....?

Question

i give you 10 points

Answer 1

elena smells like cheese (if u now what i mean)

Answer 2

A trainee pilot and a professional pilot went on a test run but the professional had a heart attack,so the trainee called for help and when he got a responce he said......
Trainee:The pilot has just had a heart attack.
Air controller:Ok can you tell me how high you are.
Trainee:How the hell am i supposed to know that.
Air controller:There is a Altimeter on the dash board.
Trainee:Ok i see it,im at 10.000 feet
Air controller:Ok now we are getting somewhere,what speed are you doing.
Trainee:I don't know!
Air controller:There is an air speed indicator on the instrument panel.
Trainee:I see it,I'm going 150 mph.
Air controller:How much cloud is there where you are.
Trainee:All i can see is tree's and fields,i think I'm upside down.
Air controller,What makes you think that,at first you didn't even know how high you were and how fast you were going so how do you know
Trainee:I can feel the sh*t running past my collar and down my face.

Answer 3

13 Reasons to Smile

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.



Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.



How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and over fifty for Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"



I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."



Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!



Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.



Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"



And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Answer 4

All my jokes and stories are dirty, but here goes..
I live in a townhouse-condo. They decided to put a new roof on my section while I was sleeping. Now I had a late night, and I was sleeping in the nude. But since this was so late in the day, the sun kept beaming on me from the other room where the blind was halfway up. So I go to close it, but just as I get to the window, this construction worker walks right in front of me on the edge of the building. I froze, but who knows? Now ever since that time they stop work whenever I come out of the house

Answer 5

A few days ago, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving."

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you calm down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language."

Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.

For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the b**ch in the kitchen!"

Answer 6

A man watched his daughter playing in the garden when he noticed that she had stopped and looked at the ground. The man went out to ask her what she was looking at. He saw two spiders mating. "what are those spiders doing daddy"?..."mating" replied the father. "what do you cal the one on top daddy"? "its a grand daddy long legs".replied the dad. " Whats the one on the bottom"?..."They are both daddy lon legs honey"
The little girl stomped.

Answer 7

A journalist interviews Sir Paul McCartney:
"So, Sir Paul, do you think that you will ever
go down on one knee again?"
Sir Paul: "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather".

Answer 8

I love Chimichangas with chili!

Answer 9

I am the sexiest man alive!

Answer 10

Tickle, tickle.