I FEEL LIKE I AM IN THE MIDDLE BECAUSE MY HUSBAND AND DAUGHTER DON'T GET ALONG
2006-08-09 09:46:09 · 75 answers · asked by FANNY 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
either you can keep this tension, or answer the question of who do you care more for your daughter or you new husband.
2006-08-09 09:49:12 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 3⤋
When I was that age I resented my mom just for dating someone. It wasn't that I didn't want her to be happy, she just had a really poor choice in men.
I'm not saying you do, but maybe your daughter feels like her mom has been taken away from her.
Make a day that the two of you can go out, run this by your husband so he's not left out of it though, go shopping, grab some lunch and ask her what bothers her so much. If she will tell you, ask her if the three of you can sit down together and talk about things. Don't just sit her down with the two of you, big mistake, make it something she is willing to do, something she is comfortable with.
Ask her to tell her side, ask your husband to express his feelings as well. There's no guarantee it will work, but it's somewhere to start.
2006-08-09 09:53:48 · answer #2 · answered by ~SSIRREN~ 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't let her feel alone... she wants attention and she want you to be on her side some times. If you leave things the way they are, she will act out more and more and things will get out of hand. She will hang with the wrong people just to feel like she has somewhere to belong. Make time for her. And when this new husband of yours is disciplining her, don't pretend that everything he says is all right with you. YOU ARE HER MOTHER first... this guy is new. How would you feel if someone all of a sudden started spitting orders at you after 15 years of having things one way? She doesn't hate you being happy, and she doesn't even hate him...she hates that you've forgotten who's been there with you all along. You make her feel like she doesn't exist anymore, so she gets pissed at the source of this...Your new husband! She's 15 going on 30 my dear...trust me...she's no kid. Give her time... make time for her...and DON'T let her feel alone and abandon by you... else one day you will not have a relationship with her at all. If you love your daughter, put yourself in her shoes - it's you who need to change a bit...once you change...your husband and daughter will too.
2006-08-09 09:53:02 · answer #3 · answered by Flyleaf 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well I'm not following the question to clear, but here is my two cents. The damage is already done, sorry to say. Time and time again mom's always put men before their kids why? I'm sure she did just voice her feelings after you guys got married. Maybe the guy is a jerk so what he makes you happy. Maybe he touched your daughter in a way he shouldn't have. Would you listen if she told you that's why he no good for the family because he tried to sleep with your child. Don't say not my man. It happen a lot and the one who get hurts are the kids because mommy is happy now. That's bullsh*t, you need to find what in detail why she doesn't like him. the truth shall set you free. In fact I know someone who is going through with that now with her step dad. What does mom say, "your lying that didn't really happen" poor kid. Watch Oprah time and time again she talks about this very same issue and how it happen to her when she was a kid. Visit her website for more info. Please, I don't know if this is the case in your household but you better find out NOW!! Save the virtue of your child. She still is a innocent child.
2006-08-09 10:02:34 · answer #4 · answered by donlide 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your first responsibility is to raise your daughter not find a man that "makes you happy". It is not your daughters fault that you and her father were not able to provide her with a stable home. Your daughter did not choose her life you did!
That being said, whats done is done - all you can do is work with what you have.
Your new husband should not be disciplining your daughter, the best he should hope for is that the two of them can one day become friends. Yes I said it, FRIENDS. His role in your household should not be the disciplinarian, that unfortunately is your job. He should be respected as any other adult but he does not get special "daddy" privileges just because you married him. Remember this was not her choice and she does not have to like this man just because you do. All you have the right to expect is that she be respectful toward him. You are the one who needs to enforce this not your husband, so be strong and do what is in the best interest of your daughter.
2006-08-09 10:01:26 · answer #5 · answered by B 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The problem is that step parents are never supposed to be the disciplinarians, that means you have to do it. You and your husband need to agree on what the rules of the house are, you let your daughter know clearly and exactly what they are and what the consequences for breaking them will be and then you just do it. Think about all of this when things aren't tense. You are in a tough spot but you are still the parent (he is NOT) and your daughter needs to understand and respect that and your husband. She is 15 there is a LOT of currency around, meaning things you can take away from her for breaking the rules. Allowing him to walk in to her life and start running it is, of course, going to cause a ton of resentment, not to mention what was your relationship like with her before he came along? She didn't pick him, she didn't want him, you did and she is forced to deal with that, thats a crappy situation for her and a helpless feeling, how would you feel if it was you?
You can't allow yourself to get put in the middle, you make it clear to both of them what their roles in the family are and that you are not taffy to be pulled between them. You tell him she is your daughter and you love her and you were wrong for putting him in a position where he was the one correcting her therefore ruining their relationship, you tell him she is your daughter and you love her but that he is your husband and you were wrong (same as above). Make sure you are still hanging out with her and spending mother daughter time with her, 15 is a dangerous age and she could get caught up in things that ruin the rest of her life if you drop the ball now! I know its confusing and hard but your main job is to be her mother for the next 3 years at least, she came first, she is an absolute lifetime committment, his attitude should be yes she needs to respect him but coming in at 15 it just isn't reasonable to expect her to acknowledge him as a father figure, the best he can hope for is adult friend.
Get a book on step parent families to help you clarify all this in your mind. Its very tough to do but if you screw up with your daughter now the consequences will be dire for her, and you will regret it the rest of your life. Take a step back, take a deep breath and figure out how you can be the resolution and the negotiator in this process instead of being pulled in two different directions.
2006-08-09 10:00:44 · answer #6 · answered by dappersmom 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a hard questions, filled with emotion any way you look at it.
Your daughter is old enough to have an adult face to face discussion. Have you talked to her about her resentment, or your perception of what is resentment?
How long were you married to her father? If not married, how long were you together. A lot of children, whether they agree or not, holds onto the notion that their parents will reconcile. She does not want to see you 'happy' with someone else.
Also, how long were you seperated before marrying again? Did she have a substantial amount of time with just the two of you? She may feel pushed a side, while you're doting and happy with a new member of the family.
No matter which way you cut the "cake"..step parents are going to fight with step children. Does have children of his own? Is there new sibling rivalry going on?
2006-08-09 09:55:45 · answer #7 · answered by Rebel Regan 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have step children that are in there 30's and they resent me. Their father is a wonderful man but they are selfish and had their own agenda for their fathers money and time. I hope your daughter at 15 realizes she needs boundaries and if your husband truly has her interests at heart she should not be so resentful. Perhaps the discipline should come from you since you are the parent and maybe she will not have so much resentment. She is right at that awkward hormonal age when everything is horrible. Good luck.
2006-08-09 09:53:45 · answer #8 · answered by JAK 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ok so im 34 and at 15 my dad was on marriage number 11 and raping me as well mom was on her second marriage....point is kids crave security and your daughter already is having issues with dad being out of the pic and now here is this new guy and if he makes you happy well that kinda became her job with the divorce and maybe she doesnt feel as needed by you now...you two probably got close huh? then wham! new guy then marriage but the fact is i applaud you for taking the plunge again....you as a woman and mother must be happy and fufilled in order to be a good parent hard to say cause i have an 8 year old daughter but it is true your dreams and wishes must come first in order to0 givve her all she needs god bless you and good luck and dont let a day pass without telling you something about her you are proud of.....
2006-08-09 09:52:38 · answer #9 · answered by hottwettsexyone 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why are you leaving the discipline up to the new husband? In your daughter's eyes that makes you both the bad guy. Him for dealing with stuff that was not his to deal with and you for not standing by her as he does. 15 is tough enough on its own, but I don't think I would like it much if I were a teen and some guy that moved in because he made mom happy decided he would now set the rules. Maybe that is not the case but to a teen, it would seem that way.
2006-08-09 10:00:41 · answer #10 · answered by Mikki 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have two step parents who both came into my life when I was ten. We had a rockey relationship For the same reason. I don't think a step parent should come into the home and be the disciplinary before the age of three or four. You are her mother and you should be the one making her mind, that is not your husbands job, he is not her father. The situation is probably very hard on her too and she probably doesn't feel like you took her feelings into consideration. you need to communicate better with her and find out how she is feeling, and as far as your husband is concerned he should only be her friend.
2006-08-09 09:56:37 · answer #11 · answered by Prissy_kitty 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋