Guests who invite people to a wedding without asking?

Question

Is it ok to tell people to bring inivations to the ceremony and reception so they will be let in?We wanted to have someone stand by the doors to make sure those coming were actually invited.There are family members on both sides of the family who will invite people themselves without asking first (even people we don't know). His mom has already stated that she wanted the "whole" side of her family to be invited because she doesn't want anyone's feelings to be hurt.This includes people that my fiance doesn't know or hasn't seen or talked to sice he was 5.What she considers her "family" is huge and extends out to 4th cousins.There are a lot of people.We are paying for the wedding ourselves and cannot pay for a lot of people to attend the ceremony and definitely not pay for all the food that possibly 200 ppl who may show up will eat.We don't want to be rude, but we just can't afford it.If we can't manage to figure something out, we might to go to a JP, but we wanted a nice church wedding.

I appreciate all of your answers. Thank you. We were planning on having a guest list just in case anyone forgot their invitation - definitely. A lot of people said that his parents should cough up he money for the extra guests, but we chose a small wedding for two reasons. 1.We don't have a lot of money, (but could probably spare more for more guests). 2. We aren't inviting everyone b/c a lot of people on both sides of our family are not very nice. Most of them don't eve like us. They would just make a fuss if they weren't invited just to be jerks, not because they really want to be there. Why invite people you don't get along with on such an important day? All they want to do is try to ruin it. Believe me, that is the kind of people we are dealing with.

Liza P wrote in her rely about who to invite and time frame of when I last saw the people...another question...So, I shouldn't invite my brothers and sisters that I haven't seen for over a year? I haven' seen one brother and one sister for about 5 or 6 yrs. I also haven't seen another brother in about 3 yrs. (I have a lot of siblings). Or does that only apply to extended family and friends? I'm sorry, I just have never done this, and I want to do it right.

Answer 1

I just want to second kill yer tele's answer. It doesn't matter if your MIL is willing to pay for extra guests, it's your wedding. Only have people there you want to have there. If she's so set on seeing these people, she can have her own party.

And I think Liza's point was more about inviting people you're close to as opposed to having seen in the flesh in the past year. Have you at least spoken to your siblings in that time? I haven't physically seen my best friend in going on six years, but we talk all the time and I'd never consider not inviting her to my wedding. What she's talking about is generally more a rule of thumb for friends and extended family. But that being said, if you don't want your siblings there, don't invite them. It's all about who you and your fiance want to share in your day.

Answer 2

There is nothing wrong with having the wedding by invite only. Make sure you state on the invitations that they need to bring the invitation and that the wedding is by invite only - no guests. You could make the actual wedding ceremony open to everyone and then make the reception by invite only - that way everyone could see you get married, but wouldn't be invited to the reception.
You should talk to his parents and let them know that you can't afford to have every single person from the family tree at the wedding. If they throw a fit then tell them if they are willing to pay for the extra people you don't care who they invite. Let them know you aren't being difficult, but that you just can't afford so many people.

Answer 3

I am kind of in the same boat as you.

However, My philosophy is, our wedding and we will have it the way we see fit. If we didn't invite you, there is a reason. If they wonder why, I will discuss it with them based on who it is. If never come see me, don't know who I am marrying or had a big fall'n out years ago, I won't invite and I will be blunt. My special day should not be about worrying what will happen and who will show up not invited.

If you are a part of our daily lives, you will be invited. If I haven't seen you in years, don't know my fiance's name or mine for matter of fact, why should I invite you? To them, its mostly a free meal with some party time at someone else's expense. My half sister doesn't even know my fiance name........that should tell you how often she stays in contact......

If I have family bringing guest that was not invited or told to my fiance and I prior, I would ask the guest and the person who invited them to leave. It is rude and defiantly gives a big amount of disrespect.

You gave me an idea for my wedding. Having guest list.

Answer 4

IMHO, it is very tacky to invite someone to a wedding unless the bride and groom know about it. There are always a few extra "plates" in the catering order just in case, but the wedding day belongs to the couple and they should decide who is there and who is not.

I think it is also a bit tacky to make people bring their invitations to the reception. People do forget these things and it would be an unpleasant little scene if someone were forced to prove that they really were invited.

The groom's mother is the groom's responsiblity. He needs to tell her that only those who were actually invited are welcome and that if she has extras, she can cough up the money.

Mother-in-law issues crop up in a marriage from time to time. He may as well get things on the right track, now.

Answer 5

Be up front with these people and tell them the truth, you cannot afford to pay for the exspense of having so many people, but if the people inviting the others will pay you up front for the cost of each person extra they invited, you will be thrilled for them to invite others that you did not plan to invite. This way, you will be covered all the way around. You might get an extra gift as well and definitley will make the day enjoyable to meet people you have not seen or have not seen in awhile. This is your day to enjoy, but it is a day to be diplomatic, You may find out there are people in your family that are extremely interesting and sometimes funny. Enjoy the day.

Answer 6

Tell your fiance's mom if she wants all of those people there then she can pay for their food and drink. Some people just have some nerve. The problem with your idea is you have to make sure the people that are invited bring their invitation with them. I know I never bring mine with me. Another idea is to put someone by the doors with just a guest list and once people give their names, that person can mark each guest off the list. If you go this route, tell your future mil about it so it will deter her from inviting uninvited guests and making her look like an idiot. Of course, she kind of deserves to look like one. But maybe if you tell her ahead of time she'll think twice about inviting these people.

Answer 7

If you haven't sent the invitations out already, make sure you write 'one guest only' on them. If you have, it's time to have words with a few people. What they are planning on doing is very rude. As for putting someone on the door to turn people away, unless you want your wedding day ruined I'm afraid that's a bad idea. If your fiance's mum wants to invite a whole load of people, make her pay.

Answer 8

wow- i really feel for you- what your families are doing - completely unacceptable. i wouldn't have guests show their invites- i think a lot of people might lose them along the way. i would have a greeter with a guest list take "attendance" and let your guests know where they're seated for dinner. if uninvited people come anyway- your greeter could say- "oh- i'm sorry - you're not on the guest list-so there isn't a meal reserved for you- however dinner will be over at 9:00. feel free to join us for the dance!" this way you still stay within budget and you're not being offensive. have you considered hiring a bouncer? i know it sounds crazy- but these people seem to lack etiquette. oh yea- if you go with the greeter idea- make sure it's someone really big and burly.

Answer 9

People should know that if their name is not on the envelope, they are not invited.

Much of this can be headed off at the pass during the RSVP process-- ask for people's full names so you can prepare placecards, and if they RSVP with extra names you simply have to phone them and say, "Sorry, there must be some mistake-- wasn't the invitation addressed to You and Uncle Ray only?" and they SHOULD realize their rude mistake.

It's also very rude if this relative of yours is sharing details of your wedding with people who are not invited. What is her problem? You, and this relative, both need a Miss Manners book so things run more smoothly.

Answer 10

I think it's completely reasonable to ask your Invited guests to bring the invitation with them. My mother in law tried to pull the same thing on my husband and myself, and we cut that off before she even invited anyone extra. I think you are doing the right thing by asking people to bring the invitation because you have budgeted your wedding for the people that were invited. Even if the extras say, oh, we won't eat or drink anything, I would still say no to them. Don't feel bad for standing up for yourself. This is your day, not his mothers! If you feel bad about not inviting all the others, have your hubby call his family and explain sincerely to them that he is sorry that you can't accomodate them. ~~~