My mom's a really dominating, Hitler-type parent. Please give me some advice on how to handle her.?

Question

I am about to turn 18 and go to college in the Fall.

She doesn't let me make any decisions for myself, yet she tells me to be independent. She tells me to have a social life, yet she doesn't let me ride in a friends car, I am not allowed out after my dad's home from work (6-7PM), they don't let me drive even though I already have my license, etc.

My mom has even told me that I'm going to major in Biology and become a dentist. She told me she wants me to make a lot of money to pay her back for raising me.

As a child, she made me sign a contract saying I would give her my full paycheck before I was 21 and after, 15% of my paycheck for the rest of my life. She kept it. She's serious too. I had to give her my 8 paychecks. She will disown me if I don't do what she wants.

What should I do? Let her disown me and pursue my own dreams (graphic designer for a record label) or continue her demands so I won't be disowned? But I don't want that. I'd be so sad!

Advice please!

I got a full scholarship including full tuition, free dorms, and $2,000 cash for 4 yrs. So she's not paying for it. I'm just afriad if I don't do what she wants I'll never have someone to help me out of financial troubles.

And no, it's not a story. It's true. My mom is horrible. She didn't want me. I was an "accident." Because she had me when she was 19.

I really wanna run away, my friends have offered me to stay and one of my friends actaully did it and he's fine, but I'm just scared. Maybe I'll have enough courage from college to live my own life!

Thanks for all the advice guys! I appreciate it.

I am not an only child either, I have a younger sister. But my mom expects the same from her. That's why I hope to take her away from my mom one day. We're five years apart so that gives me 5yrs to get ready to take her away.

My dad is pretty much under my mom's control too. He just does whatever she says. He always agrees with my mom. She is always right according to him.

Answer 1

honey u 18 dont have to listen to her as long as u move out n still respect her but what she doesnt understand it that its not teachin u how to be independant n how to handle things on ur own n that is the long run is goin to hurt u as an adult..she needs to let go, give u space n privacy...want me to ruff her up some for ya..lol

Answer 2

My mom was a lot like your mom. I dealt with it until college. In college, I told my mom that I didn't have enough timeto both work and study, and that I had quit my job. And then I got a new job, but didn't tell her. My mom didn't insist on my entire paycheck, or 15% after I turned 21, but she did expect half until I graduated college. I managed to save my money until I graduated, and then got a job far away from home. I made enough money in a job I hated, and paid my parents back for college, with interest.

What college are you going to? If possible, double major in biology and graphic design. You don't have to declare until sophmore or junior year, so you have a while before you have to tell your mom.

As for your paycheck, your mother is entitled to your entire paycheck until you're eighteen, because she's your legal guardian. At eighteen, you're legally an adult. Any contracts you have signed before eighteen are null and void, because you were a minor.

You seem to be stuck in a pretty miserable situation. You're kind of stuck right now, because you've already committed to a college. If you can, try to follow your dreams. Your mother will come around eventually.

Good luck!

Answer 3

1) Any contract signed under the age of 18 is NOT VALID. Particularly since your parent was the one doing the coercing.

2) Pursue your own dreams. Parents often talk about "disowning" but don't often do it. And if they do, it is definitely for the best (my dad threatened the same thing if I got tattoos... I have two and still managed to inherit)

3) She clearly doesn't understand the concept of "parent" by asking you for compensation for raising you. That is just completely asinine. She is the one who CHOSE to have you. You didn't ASK to be born.

4) Suck up the rules until you go to college. Once you're there, she has no control. I would recommend appllying for aid on your own (fill out all th forms and go for scholarships) so that you are no longer dependent on her "generosity".

5) Perhaps you should simply give this to your mother. Then maybe she'll get the hint that she is a controlling tyrant rather than a loving parent.

Answer 4

Your best advise is to get out of her house and live on your own UNLESS you are prepared to confront her about her behaviour and tell her the negative impact that her behavious have on you but like 99% of the domineering people, she is NOT going to listen and you might have to bear any negative consequences. The best option is leave her and live on your own, live a life that you deserve. Usually leaving a domineering person is the best way to wake her up and let her realize that there is a problem and she needs to deal with it. ONLY if she shows geniune desire to change (not a manipulative scheme to get you back - mothers are very good at doing that for some reason), you can show your support by suggesting to her to seek professional counselling and maybe accompagning her, otherwise you need to live on your own in your life. If she really harasses you, hopefully she doesn't, you will have to use authorities.

MOST IMPORTANT THING: YOU DO NOT OWE HER ANYTHING. IT'S PARENTS' LEGAL AND MORAL OBLIGATION TO LOOK AFTER THEIR YOUNG just like when you have kids, you will be obligated to look after your kids too, if you have some. The contract that your mother made you sign to give her your paycheques is illegal; it will NOT stand up in any courts because you were a minor at the time when the contract is signed. Any contracts signed by minors are automatically VOID when you turn 18. You do NOT have to give your mom any paycheques and you can even sue to get your paycheques back from your mom, if you'd like. Hope this helps.

Answer 5

Well, I think that without being rude, tell her you don't want to live out her dream, you want to live out yours. Tell her your dream. If you are moving out soon, and going off to college, she can't monitor what youare doing there anyways. Your mother should starts understanding that you are growing into an adult, and that you are perfectly capable of making your own choices. Maybe you could make her happy by doing something else that she wanted you to do. And about the curfew thing. I agree it is unfair, but maybe she just wants the best for you. Maybe you should have a sit-down conversation and state your case. Tell her you feel used. Knowing that she hurt her daughter might lighten her up. And also, paying her for raising you is rediculous. It was her choice to give birth to you. She should be proud of that, and I'm sure she is, but she should stop taking your cash. Tell her that you are working hard, and as a reward for yourself, are going to start keeping your paychecks. Your father works, and that is all the income this family should need. Otherwise, she should get a job. If she has one already, then tell her that is WHY she works, not to take your money.

Hope this works.

Answer 6

First of all the contract is not legal. I guess it's either your happiness or hers. It's your life and you should be able to live it how you want. You will never be happy if you do what she wants you to do for the rest of your life. Sometimes you can't please everyone. And if she doesn't want you to be happy then she has serious issues. When you go off to school you may never want to come back. I have a friend who chose to disown her father because he was very mean to her and made her work and made her give him her check. She's upset about it still, this was 2 years ago, but she is a much happier person now that she's not constantly trying to please him. So what I'm saying is that you may have to decide that a relationship with your mother is not healthy for you. Its not going to be hard but it's not your fault either. Also think about what man would want to be with a woman who feels she is fully obligated to her mother, no man would put up with it. If you ever get married your husband and children become your priority so you would have to separate yourself from her anyway. Just think about how happy you would be without her and then compare it to how miserable you are right now. You deserve to be happy right?

Answer 7

I feel so much for you, If your actually going away to college then it might be the best thing for you both. A mother thats so controlling will find it hard to let go. I don't think the contract you signed could ever be considered legal and binding. You need to stand up to her which I know is hard. How is your relationship with your dad. Do you have another relative, aunt , uncle or grandparent that could mediate for you? I am a mother and I know that my childs happiness is my only concern for them. She may over protective, but then again she does sound extreme in her methods. Are you an only child it sounds so. If I was you I would go away to college and be yourself! Your parents do not own you, you are an individual and trying to please them will never make you happy. I hope you friends to support you, but if not you still are the master/mistress of your own destiny. All I can say is stand up to them and say what you feel! If it goes bad and they truly care for you then they will come to you, otherwise parents like that are better off on their own!!!

Answer 8

Disowned from what? when you turn 18 tell her to take her contract and shove it. You cannot be held to any contract you signed as a child. Next, move out and don't let her know where you live. Call her once a week to just be sociable. If she starts anything just don't call as often. Pursue your dream and leave her to her own devices. Oh, yeah, about being sad. You already are! Suck it up and move forward. Your mom is a nut case. Do not become one also.

Answer 9

yep, I agree, I'd go the Dr Phil route as well.
If you are chosen, and this sounds like a ripe subject...he can knock the need to control you right OUT of her on national Television!!!
Then, he will provide counseling, and at the very least, you will have a different mother to work with. She has some need to control you, and i have never heard of a child being so contracted as you were!!!
If you are smart enough, get yourself some scholarships--get ont eh internet and start applying, billions of scholarship monies are available, just start looking--go for it, earn your independence...you can do that!~
You have only one life, there is no dress rehearsal!
You also have only one mother, no give-backs!!!
Make it work.
Find a therapist to help, either you alone or with your mother.
Explain that you need to pay on a sliding scale, and they will cut you a break.
Write down what you think the problem is, and be and STAY
rational about it all.
Don't allow yourself to get sucked into any emotional vortex or issues or irrationality from her.
Your Mama brought you into this world, yes, but you did not ask to be here!
You were her responsibility, yes, but you do not owe her anything but love and respect!
Good Luck!

Answer 10

This seems to happen a lot between new parents, or parents in general, and their childless (or even with children) friends give advice. Have you considered that there is any truth to what she is saying? Many parents become defense and less objective when someone is criticizing their parenting. Maybe step back for a min, and just see if there is? Remember that she has never been a parent. Clearly, there are many things in life you dont understand until its you going through it. I never had a strong opinion about assisted suicide until I became a cancer patient, and have lived through that hell. Everyone who talked to me meant well, but always said or did something wrong. I had to fight myself to not be upset with some of the things that happened or was said (and still do) because I know they dont understand. If this is a case like that, where she just doesnt understand... the only thing you can do is help her walk a mile in your shoes. Maybe try to explain it to her, or try to show her. Im sure you feel like you shouldnt have to, and maybe your right. But if it can facilitate some sort of understanding between the two of you about this advice, it might just be worth doing it even though you shouldnt have to. I shouldnt have to worry about my stuff being stolen at my brother in laws, but I still dont leave my purse laying out. At the same time, you should try to understand that she probably doesnt mean it to be or even understand why it upsets you or why you dont like it. Keep in mind that in the end, her intentions are probably good, just misplaced.

Answer 11

Take your life into your own hands once you're out of the house. Don't go crazy like a lot of repressed kids do during their freshman year, but definitely go after what you want in life. If you don't, you'll have a lifetime to regret it. The contract is not binding if you signed it as a child. Do not give your mom any money unless it's something you want to do as a gift to her. If she ends up disowning you, it'll be her loss. I know that would be awful, but you need to cut someone that negative out of your life. It's just a shame it's your mom. Don't hold on to her as a bail out if you end up in financial trouble. You'll more than likely make friends at college that will be family to you. I know any of my roommates would've lent me money if I needed it. Just be sure you make what you want of your life. It's obvious you don't want the life your mom has planned for you. Do what makes you happy.