Know a good joke?

Question

I'd like to hear some of the jokes you know!

Answer 1

1.Two women were talking about their new milkman.
First: He's very good looking, punctual & dresses so smartly.
And so quickly too!, said the other.
2. An old: Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.
Doc: That's not senility. Senility is when you forget to zip down.
3.Guide: I welcome u all to the Niagra falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls & the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing can't b heard! Now may I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagra Falls??
4.A blonde calls a mechanic 2 fix her car, he gets it goin in 2 minutes.
What was the prob?
Just **** in the air filter
How often do I hv to do that?
5.Two old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over & whispered: My butt is going to sleep. 'I know,' replied the other, 'I heard it snore three times.'
6.Boss: I'll give you 3000 per month and in three months, I'll raise it to 6000. So when would you like to start?
employee: In 3 months.
7.There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.
8.A priest was praying for guidance: Oh God, grant me this knowledge: what is the meaning of life?
For a while, Creation was silent. Then a booming voice, sounding severely pissed-off, shouts from heaven: Read the F*#kin FAQ!
9.At weddings old aunts used 2 tease me saying: You are next, you are next.
But they stopped it since I started doing the same to them at funerals!
10.People who do lots of work...make lots of mistakes,
People who do less work...make less mistakes,
People who do no work...make no mistakes,
People who make no mistakes...get promoted
have a nice day!!
and i've got loads more!!

Answer 2

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a near-by mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked his Father, ''What is this, father?''

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is.''

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old women stepped out.

The Father looked at his son and said, ''Go get your mother.

Answer 3

there r 2 sisters 1 blonde 1 brunette and they just inherited the family farm and they need a bull 4 the livestock and they only have $600 so the brunette tells the blonde that she'll go buy the bull and when she buys it she'll telegraph her and tell her to come pick her and the bull up so the brunette goes out to buy the bull the guy says the bull is $599 exact no less no more so she pays 4 the bull and goes to the place 2 to telegraph her sister and she tells the guy that she has to tell her sister that she has to come out to pick her up and the bull and take her home and the guy says ok its 99 cents a word and the brunnete only has $1 so she can only say 1 word so the brunette says ok let me think and then she says telegraph her the word comfortable and the guy says how u gonna tell her to pick u up and that u got the bull so the brunette says o my sister is a blonde and she'll say it in syllables come for da bull LOL PLZ PICK ME

Answer 4

The old Russian, hearing a thunderstorm coming while looking out the window turned to his wife and said Rudolph the Red knows rain dear.

Answer 5

An obviously upset woman visits her pastor. She pleads, "Father, Father, my children just will not stop cursing. I've done everything I know to stop them. You're my last hope, what can I do?"

The Father said "Well, have you considered smacking the boys?"

The mother, wide-eyed, replied, "Oh no Father, I thought the Church would frown upon that!"

The Father responded, "In severe cases, we do allow it. The next time your sons curse, why don't you try it?"

The mother said "O.K. Father, If the Lord permits it."

The next morning little Johnny and little Jimmy come down to breakfast and the mother asks, "Little Johnny, what would you like for breakfast this morning?"

Little Johnny says, "I don't know. Give me some f****** waffles." Well with that, the mother smacked little Johnny across the face and he slid down the wall to the floor. Little Jimmy, the younger of the boys, watched in horror.

The mother turned and asked ,"Little Jimmy, what would you like for breakfast this morning?"

Little Jimmy looks at his brother on the floor, looks back at his mother, and replies, "I don't know but you can bet your sweet a** I don't want no f****** waffles."

Answer 6

After making love how does an Essex girl turn out the light ?

She closes the car door.............lol

A blind man walks in to a bar sits down with his drink,
Who wants to her a blonde joke he says to the bar maid?
the bar maid stops him,
Sir before you continue let me tell you im blonde weigh 15 stone and i can bench press 20 stone
the two ladies sitting to your left are blonde and work as bouncer's at the local hells angel bar next door,
and the lady to your right is also blonde and is a black belt in several different martial arts.
Now do you really want to tell your Joke.....

The blind man stands up, puts his drink down ...

Not If i have to explain it fours times.................................

Answer 7

I saw Micheal Jackson yesterday. I told him to lighten up

We played poker with tarot cards yesterday I won but four people died.

What did the blonde do after sex? Opened the car door

i got a million of them

Answer 8

You're on a horse galloping at a constant speed.
>
> On your right side is a sharp drop off.
>
> On your left side is an elephant traveling at the
> same speed as you.
>
> Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo
> and your horse is unable to overtake it.
>
> Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as
> you and the kangaroo.
>
> What must you do to safely get out of this highly
> dangerous situation? (scroll down)
>
> .
>
> .
>
> .
>
> .
>
> .
>
> .
>
> .
>
> .
>
> GET YOUR BUTT
>
> off the merry-go-round!!!!

Answer 9

Theres 3 guys who r good friends. They find a special lamp..adn rub it..then a genie came out. The genie said the next word you say...you'll fall into a pile of. The first guy says money..so he falls into a pile of money. The second guys says gold..so he falls into a pile of gold. The third guy guy trips on a rock and says 'Oh s.h.i.t!' adn falls into a pile of s h i t. lol. thanx for the points!

Answer 10

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve your kind here". The mushroom replys "Why i'm a fungi"! lol