daughter made a mistake, what do I do?

Question

My daughter, 13, is a good girl, very good student, and though at a difficult age, I've never had any serious problem with her. We have a good relationship. Yesterday night she came to me very upset. She had done something wrong, was feeling bad with herself and had to tell me. She told me she didn't resist peer pressure and drank some beer. I got upset, though very happy about her honesty. She apologized, said she acted without thinking, assured me that wouldn't happen again. I felt sorry for her, forgave, hugged and kissed with love, but said she had done something wrong and drinking is a dangerous stuff. I was somewhat upset and at the moment couldn't decide if I should punish her anyway, so I said 'd think about it and this afternoon I'd tell her my decision. Since she was nervous, I told her she wasn't before a court, but before her mom, and any punishment would be for her best and out of love. I don't feel like punishing, but maybe she needs a a lesson to make her think.

Answer 1

have a looooooong serious talk. Maybe ground her for a week if you are REALLY compelled to punish her, but the fact is, she DID tell you, try to remember when you were a teenager, how hard was it to admit a wrongdoing to your parents? I was blessed with a mother that could shell out guilt without trying, so any time I messed up, she was the first to know, I readily admitted it because lying was NOT an option in my parents house.

It sounds like she is truly sorry. this is all your call, I see on one hand if you do not punish her, she may think all she has to do is cry and say she is sorry(insincerely) and she will never get punished, on the other hand I see that punishing her could make her feel you rejected her honesty and that could be the last time she is open with you. This is a tough call.

maybe a partial punishment, a grounding for a week, no phone, internet or TV, then once the week begins to wear in, say like on a Wednesday, if she is being good and not complaining, maybe slowly allow internet, or TV back into the picture.

I do definitely think some type of punishment is in order.

Answer 2

I think that the most important thing about a parent/child relationship is faith. The your daughter has to have faith in your ability to make her problems and mistakes seem less horrible. There is always a tomorrow, and you want to be helping your daughter through whatever she goes through.

There is nothing you can do directly to prevent your daughter from making that kind of mistake. No matter what punishment you may chose, it will not affect her decision in the future. She has to say no on her own.

What you can do is be her friend. It is my experience that peer pressure is only effective from people who are important to us. Your daughter needs close friends who do not do those things and a pleasant life at home. Then peer pressure will not coerce her into anything.

She may at some time decide to try certain things on her own, and that may be something you'd want to discuss with her. Things like whether she may want to try drugs, what to do with boys and such things. You can wait until later to bring up those questions because your daughter is still very young, but her first introduction to the topic should be from you, not some undesired influence. Children are most impressionable to completely new things.

One last thing, you have to remember that the person that was hurt by what happened is your daughter, not you. Her apology to you was because she feels that she has disappointed you. She may not realize why drinking is such a bad idea. If that is the case you have to explain to her or perhaps even show her (plenty of movies with drunk teenagers doing stupid things) why drinking is bad for her.

Answer 3

I think it's great that she came and told you what she had done, alot of kids might have not. You obviously did a good job in raising her because she felt bad and came to you. If she knows that she can come to you and tell you things without you flipping out then she will always feel comfortable talking to you and letting you know what's going on. I agree with you that punishing her will not help, but talk to her about the dangers of drinking and maybe give her somes ideas on better ways to handle peer pressure.

Answer 4

Not too sure if punishment is in order however, questioning her taste in friends is a must. Continue talking about what led her to let her guard down and feel so inclined to "go along with the crowd" Reinforce the positive things about her making choices that are healthy and an emphasis on the pitfalls of drinking.

In order for her to speak to you about the mistake she made shows the great amount of respect and love she has for you. She obviously feels comfortable sharing the good and bad part of her experiences with you. Don't break that connection, because it's very rare.

Proper reinforcement of the guidelines you desire for her as well as your household are in order. Possibly letting her sit out the next "party" where those types of friends hang would probably be a good thing, but don't over do it, because this will not be the first mistake or the last that she'll ever make. She'll continue to need your guidance as she goes throught her early teen years... so don't blow the connection...be firm, loving and consistant in reinforcing your standards of healthy living lifestyle choices.

Answer 5

I think Waterlily1913 has some really good points. I have a son who did a lot of teenage drinking. He did so because he wasn't supervised, given too much freedom at a young age, and had too much free time on his hands that he didn't have to be accountabel for. As most teenagers, he had his troubles, too - but really wasn't a hard kid to deal with, get along with, etc.
I guess I'd NOT punish your daughter this time, but tell her next time will be a different story. DO discuss who it was with, how they got the beer in the first place, where there parents around, or did the parents encourage? My son was around parents who encouraged him to steal a drink pitcher from a restaurant! Needless to say, he wasn't to be around them anymore. Other kids is one thing, but adults, and PARENTS....that was bad. If she has a cell phone, tell her you can always go pick her up if who she's with is making bad decisions, or maybe considera cell phone, even a prepay, so she can stay in touch with you better. A few bucks in the budget is worth not having to worry! Also praise her like nobody's business for being honest, I have a 14-y-o son who tells me all kinds of things most kids wouldn't, we're real open and honest and that means being humble as a parent, too. Good luck!

Answer 6

First of all let me say what a wonderful thing that the two of U have. A relationship that also included TRUST. Not many kids will talk to their parents much less admit that they did something wrong. The fact that she felt comfortable enough to come to U is amazing in this day and time. Pat Urself on the back mom, U've done a great job of raising a daughter that has respect and a conscience.
As far as punishing her, I think the fact that she came too U and admitted her wrong doing was punishment enough. She obviously feels bad about her choice and wanted to get it off her chest. I think anything U do to her will not be nearly as bad as what she will do to herself....
She knows what she did was wrong, she apologized and now U just need to continue to trust her judgement. They are in fact kids. We did ALOT of stupid stuff when we were kids and as much as we would like to shelter our kids from making the same stupid mistakes we did, sometimes we just have to let them fall on their faces and pick themselves up, in order for them to see just what U were trying to warn them about.


Good Job Mom....... I only hope as my son gets older that he and I can have that kind of "open" relationship. Cherish that

Answer 7

I think you daughter did a very brave thing. That was very hard confessing to something you probably had no hopes of discovering on your own.
You have a great relationship with a daughter that is growing up superbly. That is not saying you should reward her, but maybe you should take her to a drug recovery clinic or AA meeting. This should not be as punishment, but as learning. Do not twist her arm, but encourage her to learn the other side. Yes, alcohol can be fun if taken at the right time, with the right people, in the right amounts. She has already seen that side. She is adult enough to catch a glimpse of the other side as well.

Answer 8

I would sit with her and talk to her about her peers, Obviously this group has a huge influence on her. Let her talk herself through telling you that she no longer will hang out with negative individuals. Guide her towards this decision so it looks like she came up with it on her own. Explain that true friends care about her and want whats best for her not to hurt her. The most accepted decisions are the ones a person has buyin.It's great that your daughter came to you about this situation, it means your doing something right. Keep the communication going.

Answer 9

All kids are going to try drinking, that's just a fact of life. I dont think she should be punished. She has already thought about it, felt bad, knew she did wrong and she told you. I think what you should say is that you feel she understands that its bad and that she is not to do it anymore and send her on her way.

Answer 10

It is admirable that she came to you like that. I didn't tell my mom when I was 13! I would warn her that if she was ever to do this again that she would suffer some really harsh consequences and let her know what the consequences will be the next time and for how long. Your a good mom, keep up the good work!