Do you think I'm being selfish? (PARENTS ONLY!!)?

Question

I am a single mother of 3 small children, trying to go to school for a better life for all of us, and working full time. My kids father doesn't want to help me financially or anything. I can't find a babysitter for my kids, and things are just not good.

I want to enroll my kids at a school that they would be there 5 days a week and then be home on the weekends. The school isn't far from me, but I will not be able to see them whenever I want. Only on the weekends. Is it fair to want them to be there so that I can do what I need to in order to provide a better life for them in the future, or am I being selfish? Am I abandoning my motherly duties?

Mind you, I have no help, and whoever does want to help wants me to pay for everything, but the father does not have to do anything in their eyes. And that would be because they are his family. I have no family up here.

Answer 1

I sympathize with your situation and I know that things seem to be doubly hard especially that you only have yourself to depend on.

I don't think that you are being selfish in terms of 'wanting a better life' for your children. In fact, you are doing your very best to provide for all their needs. As what you've said, you really 'need' to do the things that you have to do now (like studying and working full-time) in order to give them a better future. You know that you only have now to remedy your situation and I think that is so 'brave' of you to take the challenge. You know within yourself that you are doing all these things for the sake of your children, and I see no selfishness in that. In fact, are preparing for your family's future and that I think wouldn't be far behind. Once you finish school, you can go and look for a better job- by then, you are better equipped and capable of certain skills. As a consequence, you would be hired with a better pay and I think that is a marvelous thing to do especially that you are a single parent and I know that no parent would want to deprive their children of the very basics of life such a decent home, food and clothing.

What I can suggest to you right now is to keep a journal of 'every single thing that you are doing'. Maybe you are wondering what is the purpose of this? Since your children are still young, they would't fully understand the things that you are doing for them right now. But once they are older, you can show to them this journal and read out to them all the sacrifices that you've done for them in order to better your lives. They might think that you've been selfish but they are wrong- this journal would prove that you never, not even once abandoned them. That such things you did in the past are meant to give them a brighter future. That such sacrifices might have hurt you along the way, the very thing of leaving them under the care of somebody else during weekdays, but how you longed to be with them at the end of every week. This journal will also show how you endured such hardships, without any help coming from their own father. How you travailed every circumstance and turned out as a winner. This journal will be a treasure trove of rich experiences. it will awaken your children's minds one day, and give you the respect that you truly deserve.

Above all, put your trust and faith in God. In Him, there is hope- in Him, there is a future. You can cast all your cares to Him. I would advise you to go to a christian service on sundays. Somehow, the word of God will refresh you spiritually and will give a better persepective for your lives. That eventhough you are in such a hard predicament, God will always be fair and just to provide for all your needs. Also, this will give you the confidence that you are feeding your children spiritually as well. That they have a 'father' in God and that God cares for them.

I know, it'll be hard but hard work does reward you in the end. Take heart dear, and remember that every person or even a parent like me, have our own set of problems, too. It's just that yours is in a different package. But of course, you are definitely doing a great job and that you are absolutely being responsible towards your own kids.

Answer 2

It is not selfish to want a better life for you and your children. How is it possible that the father is not paying child support? There are legal ways to get help with making him pay. This type of school that boards the children all week must be very expensive. Since they are small, it may be frightening for them to be away from you for so long at a time. It does not sound to me like the best place for them. Your children are small for such a short period of time and they really need you around as much as possible. You may consider cutting back on your school class load. Only one class per semester will take you longer to get a degree, but will give you more time with the kids. I am not sure where you live, but if it is the USA, your state will have some type of Family Agency or Social Services that will be of help to you in finding affordable daycare and may also help you with living expenses as well as help pay for childcare. Some times people are reluctant to turn to "welfare", but it is there for people in need, and it sounds as if you are a person who could use a little help. Focusing on your schooling may need to take a seat behind doing what is best right now for your children. I think there are better options than sending small children away to a boarding school. The campus where you are taking classes may have a childcare center as well as churches in your area. Rates for childcare are sometimes offered on a sliding scale basis to families struggling. Look in your phone book to see if there is a Child Care Referral Service you can call for help.

Answer 3

Well 2 months ago you were asking a question about having another baby. So I am confused????

So before you disrupt your children's life like this make sure it is what you really want to do and not just on a whim. If it really is to make a better life for your children long term and there are no other options then no it isn't selfish but it could upset your children a great deal. And this school cannot be free??? If you can afford that why not daycare or a nanny?

Answer 4

there are ways to get help without boarding school. Legally the dad has NO CHOICE but to financially help. They will garnish his pay if he doesn't on his own. Take him to court...

there are also agencies that can help with child-care. The YMCA for example has scholorships for care that make it very affordable if not free. Catholic Charities also help pay for quality childcare.

Try to make some parent friends and organize a child care co-op. You can take tunes with eachother's children to give each parent some time off.

Also, consider school part time and/or online. It may take a little longer, but in the long run the results will be worth it. You can never get time back with your babies. They change too fast.
Good luck. You can do this!

Answer 5

Truthfully and honestly, no its not fair to your children. Trust me, your children will not receive the love and nurturing there that you can provide. So, if you want my opinion, your children will feel abandoned and hurt if you choose to see them only a few days out of the month.

i'm wondering if you could afford to send your kids to such a place, why not hire a nanny? You could get an au pair, look it up on the net.

Or why not send them to daycare?

Please don't neglect your children! It will have lifelong effects on them.

For more support look into seeing if you can find a parents without partners support group? Or a singles program through a church?

You might also look into counseling to help you cope with stress in more heathy ways...

Answer 6

I think you are doing the best possible thing for them. You are working towards being able to provide them with a more secure and solid future. You are also instilling in them the value of going to school, as well as trying to be the best person you can be.

And the fact that you are feeling guilty and wanting to know if you are being selfish goes to prove that you are not trying to get rid of them so you can have time all to yourself and shirk your motherly duties.

Good luck.

Answer 7

im a mom of 2 kids 4 and 18 monthes i do not think it's selfish you are doing what you feel is best and your providing for them all by your self and your doing it for them its not like your doinging it t go party or anything i find nothing wrong with it if i lived closer i would help you out by babysitting but putting thiem in school so you can work and go to school to give them a good future is a good thing theres nothing wrong with it just love the hell out of them on weekends and always ask them if there ok and how they are being treated there and at the first sign of something being wrong pull them out of there best wishes and good luck

Answer 8

I think your 3 small children are going to feel abandoned and unloved and will suffer terribly with trust issues for the rest of their lives. Small children can't understand sacrificing for the short term in order to make life better in the long run. They live in the moment and it's important to meet their needs consistently if they are to develop into emotionally healthy adults. As the adult, it's your job to sacrifice short term happiness for long term security. That burden shouldn't fall on them. Find another way to make it work but don't abandon your children to the care of strangers.

Answer 9

It sounds to me that your just trying to do what is best for you and your children in the long run, but if you have enough money to afford to enroll them in this school than one would think that you have enough to enroll them into a day care center. I know that most states have a child care subsidy. The state helps to pay for your child care expecially if your going to school. You should really check it out.
Good Luck to You.

Answer 10

You go girl!!! You are doing whats best for you and your kids. You are bettering yourself and your kids will profit from school. They will learn so much at school, basic education, social skills, and a host of other things. My son has been in preschool FT for 2 1/2 years and its the best thing I ever did. We dont know each other, but Im so proud of you! You are a wonderful role model for your kids.