Explaining the missing father to a 5 year old boy?

Question

I'm engaged to a wonderful women (Jane - not real name) who has an equally wonderful 5 yr/old boy (John). Unfortunately, the father (Bob) of this boy has been out of his son's life for the past 4 years - no visits, no cards, no calls, no child support - NOTHING. From what I heard of Bob, he was (maybe still is) involved with drugs and other destructive activities which is one of the reason the marriage ended. I know, I'm only hearing one side of the story, but Jane is a very open person and I have no reason to think that she is lying.
John is starting to ask about his father. Why he doesn't visit or call and wondering who Bob is. Jane is struggling with explaining to John what happened. Why Mommy and Daddy didn't get along? Why they move back to her hometown from NYC. John wants to call his "Father" and to know why Bob doesn't want to know him.

I'm not looking for legal advice, but how do you explain this to a 5 yr/old and not have him think he did anything wrong?

A lot of good advice - Thank you all!!

I'm going to share these responses with Jane. I think she is also have a difficult time because she blames herself for making a bad choice for a first husband. We have talked about it and both agree that saying that Bob is dead, or evil or a bad person is not the right way to go. Besides, I've never met the guy so it is not right for me to say anything but to just be there as a Father figure for him. We are thinking of getting professional help and she has a large Irish family that gives a ton of support.
Jane said she wants to be the one to have the heart-to-heart talk with John - even though I think it is going to be more difficult on Jane at this point - she feels this is all her fault.

Thanks again and if any else has some advice or have been in this situation themselves - I can use all the help and suggestions I can get. I know this is not going to be the last time the topic of "Bob" will need to be discussed.

Answer 1

Unfortunately children are often required to adapt to situations that may be potentially damaging. The good news is children adapt to environmental changes very, very easily. Part of growing as a child is learning the environment and fitting oneself to the environment.

There are many different types of families in this world of 5 billion people. The notion of Dad, mom and 2.5 children is actually quite rare, for whatever reason. A great many families are single head of household, grand parents again in parenting roles, blended families of divorce or absentism of any nature. So knowing that, one could easily see that many families adapt to different social needs. You can too!!! So when questions come up, let them happen naturally, when the child is ready to hear the answer the child will ask the question, do not prompt, same as with sexual curious inqueries, let the child do the asking. Answer the question matter of factly. "That's a good question, John, I am glad you asked. Your father is very ill and cannot visit you now and maybe not for a long time, but me and your mommy are going to take very good care of you and we are going to love you no matter what, I promise!!!!And someday if your father is healthy again (no need to tell child father may die in the addiction or go to jail or never, ever be present again in childs life, wait for the event and then deal with accordingly)he may be able to visit you. Until that time you and I will be the best of pals and go swimming, fishing, to baseball games or whatever we decide to do together, How does that sound to you? Sound like a good plan?" So basically you are just reassuring child that they are going to be ok, no matter what!!!!!And that's all the child really needs, someone that loves him enough to reassure him that he will be ok, good luck and happy parenting. Peace

Answer 2

Poor Little John. I know exactly how he feels. I didn't see or hear from my dad for 8 years (no calls, gifts, bdays or xmas either) and he lived less than 2 miles from my home but it wasn't drugs and alcohol that kept him away it was my step mother. Anyway, it's heart wrenching and there's not a lot you can say to make him feel better about it. I have two step children now myself who have two different moms but neither spent much time with their children, which isn't entirely a bad thing, but, the kids do get to missing their moms once in a while. The boy rarely sees his mom. She calls about 3 times a year and one day when he and I were driving alone I told him how I didn't get to see my father when I was little and that he should understand that his mother is not in a good situation right now and not able to call or come by as regularly as she would like and that none of that is his fault. I wanted him to understand that parents are human too and sometimes they don't make the best choices, but, we have to try and understand and forgive them.
Just be sure you have an open door or a way that he can find his son if he sobers and comes looking for him. If he does ever show up, encourage your (future) wife not to withold him or start any conflict that would discourage him from visiting (if it ever is a factor in his life). I would not allow unsupervised visits unless he was clean and sober but once again I doubt this will be an issue for quite a while if ever, but, little John is lucky to have a future step dad that cares about him, and as long as you make it clear that it's not his fault and that he's a great kid and you both care dearly for him, I think he will be just fine.

Answer 3

My cousin's daughter is four. She is in a similar situation however she is still single. Her daughter used to ask all the time, "Where is my daddy?" She would walk up to random family members and say, "Are you my daddy?" Her father is legally not allowed to see her, he made to many threats to his wife, daughter, and her family. They are divorced and haven't seen each other in over two years. They tell her that her Daddy loves her too but that she can't see him. They told her that some kids can't be with their daddy and some kids can, just like there are some kids who can't be with their mommy. When she asked why (like all kids do), they explained that he did some bad things and now he can't see her. They show lots of love to her and make sure she knows she is taken care of cared for. This seemed sufficient for the time. But be prepared. These things usually come up frequently throughout a child's life. Once he's eight-ten years old, I would probably give some more details, if he asks of course. Good luck. Remember, you're not alone. Widowers also go through this, in a different but just as difficult way.

Answer 4

Be as honest as possible. My son knows he has a dad he doesn't know. I have told him since he was a toddler. He asked me once "well why doesn't he want to be my dad?" I just told him sometimes people aren't ready to be dads and it is nothing you did or could have done it is just how it is.;but that is why we are lucky to have "Tom" (my husband) he choose to be your daddy and that is even more special! That seemed to be a suitibale answer for him at the time (4 1/2yrs).

One thing I will never do is bash his bio-dad in front of him. He may have had an affair and aboandoned us (after 4 years of marrige) and said horrible things about me and our baby but, the child doesn't need all that baggage. When he is much older and asks why exactly then I will go into more detail.

My mom used to bash my bio dad whom I had never met (sounding like a soap here aren't I geez) and I never believed her I always assumed he left me because my mom was such a pain but then a couple years back I met my bio grandma for the first time. She told me what a BLEEP her son was and that was the first time I really believed it. As a child no matter what someone tells you, if you have a parent you don't know, you somewhat idolize them to be this great person who when they come back (and you think they will) your life will be prefect and they will be perfect.

It is a hard situation to deal with when they are older and really get it- I know how abandoned I felt at times...I am so sorry my son has to feel this too and yours as well.

Answer 5

So heartbreaking, at least he has a good mom and you in his life. I would tell him enough of the truth, that is to say, tell him his dad has problems and these problems are soo big that Bob can't be here with his son right now, but that Bob LOVES him very very much. Bob and Jane (mommy) tried very hard to stay together because they wanted to be a family, but Bob's problems got in the way. But these problems have nothing to do with John, in fact these problems were around before John was even born.
sorry to sound so condescending but I hope I made my point

Answer 6

I am in the same situation, but my son's father came in and out until I finally told him that's it. I told my son, (he's 4) that some people just can't be good father's. They don't know how to do it. I also made sure to tell him that he has someone who wants to be his Daddy (my boyfriend) and that he can do a much better job than his real father ever could. He understands now. He knows he has a father, but what he sees is the Daddy right in front of him. The one that hugs him when he's hurt, teaches him how to play football, and the one who puts him to bed every night. He has stopped asking about his real father now. OH, by the way, Janicajane has about the stupidest answer I have ever seen, so don't pay attention to that.

Answer 7

That's the first thing you tell him. His father being gone is NOT his fault. The best way to explain it at that age, in my own opinion, would be to explain that sometimes even mommies and daddies don't get along, and it's best for them to be apart. It was for his mother's good, and his good too, and made things happier. It would be best not to lie about not knowing where he is, but let him know you're willing to help him try to find his daddy and talk to him if he really wants to. In fact, it might be a good idea for you or his mother to try to reach out and see if absentee father is in any way improved and or willing to contact his son. You can gague whether or not it would be a good thing or a bad thing for a boy so young to meet this father by talking to him first, too.

Above all, don't lie to him, or have his mother lie to him... It will come back and haunt you if you do. Just remember to simplify things and relate it in the terms of his world. You might also want to consider finding a child psychologist to consult about how to talk to him about this. They'd give better advice than I could.

Answer 8

This is exactly what happens when all these young kids start having babies and fathers just walking away. Someday the kid is going to ask where "daddy" is. Explain that the dad{ and I use that term loosely} was not able to be around. And hopefully you will fill his shoes and become the "daddy" that the boy so desparately needs. Hope you are up for the challenge. It says a lot about your character that you want to help. Good for you!

Answer 9

You must excuse my poor English, I'm from Argentina.
I am the mother of two little girls (2 and 3 years old). I am surprised how well they understand me when I explain them problems or difficult subjects like death, life, born, farewell, failures, mistakes, forgiven, etc.
Children are Human Beings and they "feel". So, they need to understand what is happening around and inside them.
We must explain very easy, with no complex words, simple and common ones and check what they are understanding because they can understand something wrong.
Ask for help to a professional like a doctor, teacher, counselor for children, etc. They are more prepared to help in solving this kind of problem.
Jane and this kid are very lucky: They have your and you have beautiful feelings, you are a good father and a good person.

Answer 10

Children are simple yet inquisitive creatures. They will accept what you tell them.
Mostly you need not cover up for his "father", you do not want to be blamed for why he's not around.
The truth is the way to go, your daddy loves you but he loves himself more. I don't know where he is, but I'm sure he's thinking of you, give him a picture of his Dad. And many hugs and cuddles. Let the tears flow, don't quell them.
Protecting him from the truth of his father only will make you and your partner look like the bad guys who in his mind are "stopping" him from seeing his Dad. Just don't let that happen, that goes moreso for "Jane".
Good luck