Ok, my step daughter just turned 18 and is a senior this year. Two months ago her mom asked her to get a part time job for the summer, she refused and left home to live with her boyfriend..during the time she was gone she called me on the phone and cussed me out for no reason.. Now she wants to move back in and I told her she can but will be grounded for one week for leaving and also cussing me.... She then got mad and left again (with the boyfriend).. Her mom is now mad at me for not just "letting it go"... The daughter has had major attitude problems in the past and I just dont want to let it go because I feel it will just happen again if I do..We did not make her leave the house, she left on her own... How should I handle this, with my wife and with her daughter..? And what do you think my wife should do about the whole situation since we are not speaking now due to her daughter not moving back in?
2006-08-09 01:55:32 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
When it comes to step children, their discipline should be handled by their parent, not the step parent. You are supposed to be an authority figure in your home, true. You should be treated with respect, true. However, your wife should be the one to lay out punishments because she is the parent and has always been the parent. Parents are supposed to be consistent with themselves and their values and have an obligation to their own children whereas step parents may not always be there.
Too many actual parents leave parenting to step parents but then pull back on particular pet issues of theirs. It looks like that's what's going on here. It sounds like your wife wants your authority to be key when she doesn't want to be an enforcer and then takes you out of the equation when she wants to be lenient. This is why step parents shouldn't act as parents. You'll never be the parent and now you're the bad guy.
Essentially, this is between you and your wife, not between you and her daughter. If you think your wife is too lenient, then you can talk to her about it. You can't make this about the daughter, however, because this is a marriage, not parenthood. If you are uncomfortable with the whole situation, you need to throw together some kind of compromise with your wife. It's her authority that has a bearing on this whole situation.
As for your step daughter cussing you out, well, she's a kid. She should have treated you with more respect. However, she's not your daughter, you should have treated her as such and her mother should have taught her to have more respect for you. Sometimes kids just need to vent, adults too. She should have vented to her friends not directly at you. There are some life lessons she has yet to learn.
I wouldn't let my kids leave to live with their boyfriends while they are still in high school. But that's me. Obviously, your wife has imparted different values than the ones you wish your step daughter had. Maybe she's had trouble parenting her all along. You aren't her safety net.
My advice: do what you can to compromise with your wife and make sure this girl gets through high school. I always believe parents have an obligation to see their kids through school, not simply age 18. If she drops out of school, the gravy train should stop but don't tell her that as she's likely to drop out just to get away the next time she wants her personal freedom (only to crawl back later when she learns that responsibilities aren't always about what's fun).
2006-08-09 04:58:33 · answer #1 · answered by BeamMeUpMom 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think your wife is right, if the daughter wants to move back in, it's probably because the situation with the boyfriend is bad. So I would just let the past go and hope for a better future. However, she is 18 and she thought she could live on her own, so I would make her pay rent - $50 - $100 a month. But then when she does actually move out take that rent money she's given you and give it back to her to get her started on her own. Good luck and may God bless you!
2006-08-09 02:03:50 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ignore her for a lengthy period of time. After all she cussed you out. I used to be like that with my stepmother. Well I didn’t cuss her out. I was just plain mean. How long have you been her step-father? If it's only been a few years it is to be expected that she wouldn't like you. At any age 14, 18, or even 37 people don't normally like step-parents. Does she accept you as her step-father?
When they break up she will need a place to stay. So don't shut her out. If you don't want to ignore her I have another suggestion. Try to call her. Ask her to come without her boyfriend. You, your wife, and your step-daughter should "talk". What ever you do do not yell. Yelling and arguing really don't settle anything. Do you accept the fact that what ever his name is her boyfriend. If you don't try to see if there is anything you have in common. Like shooting or watching NASCAR. If there is go do it and talk a little. You would end up more acquainted with each other. If you don't like him think up a list of reasons and tell them to your step daughter. "I don't like him because he is a boy that is with my step-daughter," is not a reason. If you don't understand why she moved out ask her why she did. Try to think of a list of reasons "why she should move back" or "Why she shouldn't live with her boyfriend"
Tell her that she has to have a job if she moves back. If she doesn't have a job tell her she needs one in the next month or two. Try charging her rent. Don't make the rent that real high. If it ends up kind of high she won't want to come back. She would probably regret coming back. If she moves back ground her for cussing you out.
I really hope this helps. I am only fourteen but my dad yells at me all the time. He never gets the point a crossed. So I figured someone else ought to know yelling and arguing does not really work.
2006-08-09 02:14:16 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
First, let your stepdaughter know that she can move back home IF she gets a job and maintains that job. If she lives in your house she should live by your rules.
As for your wife, that one is kind of tricky. On the one hand, it was your wife that wanted her to get a part-time job for the summer. Then your wife gave in to her daughter because she wants her baby home. The operative word being baby. It sounds like before you came into the picture the daughter always got what she wanted. It also sounds like throwing tantrums is how your stepdaughter gets her way. Don't give in to that.
You stepdaughter called and cussed you out because she feels that you had something to do with her mother asking her to get a job. Rather than blame her mom you are the convenient target. Bottom line...that 18yr old needs to grow up and your wife needs to let her. If your stepdaughter can't live by house rules then maybe she shouldn't be living at home anymore.
2006-08-09 02:10:08 · answer #4 · answered by NyteWing 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You and your wife need to get on the same page. If the daughter is going to live with you and your wife in YA'LL home then the daughter needs to obey the rules. And I'm finding it hard to believe that your wife would let her move out with a boyfriend. Can you say "pregnant"? Then the problems esculate from there. Sit your wife down in a calm fashion and tell her that you both need to find common ground and STICK to it. If the daughter doesn't like it then maybe it is time for her to go with her dad for awhile. Dad's are more disciplined sometimes! Good luck
2006-08-09 05:39:10 · answer #5 · answered by Brandi 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your wife should be on your side with this issue!!! The daughter should not being showing disrespect for no reason. But you got to understand that this is her daughter and she does not want her out of the house with the boyfriend. She probally will never get a job and end up pregnant, and on drugs. I would try and make the daughter come back home. Just explain to her that you will be there for her and you dont appreciate the disrespect. Good luck to ya!!!!
2006-08-09 03:27:45 · answer #6 · answered by luvinmjc 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't blame her mom at all- i have a step daughter- who i love like my own- she has been in my life since she was 6-
Now when she decided to move out(yourstep daughter) she made an adult decision- talk to your wife- she wasn't the one cussed at- tough love for parents is hard especially letting your child leave the nest- if she's having a hard time of it- that was her choice to make -not yours- if you & your wife are having problems with it- both you & your wife need to come to a comprimise- such as she moves back in-there will be rules- chances are she will just due it again- it sounds like she wants a free ride with mom- cause all of a sudden- being an adult isn't fun- Besure your wife sticks to her guns about her getting a summer job-or going to college- and that's the terms she has to live with if she comes back home... You can't ground an adult- but you as the homeowner and once legal guardian can set rules- & rent... Good luck..
Those are the same terms we kept with my stepdaughter- now she lives still on her own- our door will alwayz be open- however she doen's want to come home cause of our agreements.- if she moves back home she has to pay rent.... and or go to school.. ( now that she has tasted the freedom of being an adult on her own- she will want to enjoy the same if she moves back in...Talk to your wife about it- and remind her it will happen again only worse cauze she will want all those FREEDOMS...
2006-08-09 03:41:00 · answer #7 · answered by bugz 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Call Dr. Phil!! Seriously, I think she needs to apologize for cussing you out for no reason but grounding her seems a little severe. Still it is important for you and her to at least be on speaking terms before she is living in your house! Have to work things out with mom first, then the daughter. Just lay low for awhile, send some flowers with an I'm Sorry! note to the wife and is there anyone who will have a set down with ya'll like your pastor? Sounds like to me you need some outside mediation. Don't blame you for not wanting a repeat of the past--treating people with respect is important.
2006-08-09 02:08:59 · answer #8 · answered by bookluffer 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She is 18 and an adult, it is time for her to start acting like one. If she wants to live in your house, she needs to understand that it is not her house, it is yours (or yours and your wife's? I don't know). She needs to obey your (the two of you) rules while she lives there. If she does not like it, she is free to go.
Another option is to start charging her rent (something small like 100 or 200 dollars per month). Then she will be forced to get a job.
Of course, there's the issue with your wife. You need to reconcile your differences and present a unified front. You cuold try explaining to her that "letting it go" is your option, and you choose not to exercise it based what happened in the past and your refusal to let it happen again. But.., it is her daughter, after all, and she should be able to discipline her as she sees fit. Bottom line is, you need to live together, and you need to be able to create an environment where it is possible to live together. You should have a discussion with her to work through the issues. Compromise is almost definitely in order.
Perhaps you can forgive this time, with the stipulation that if it happens again, there will be predetermined consequenses. Her daughter should be made aware of these consequenses as well. Most importantly, when it does happen again, follow through.
2006-08-09 02:08:22 · answer #9 · answered by 006 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
if i were you i would loveingly suggest to your wife that you, her and daughter get some family counseling, which, now that you are together you are a (family). also, talk to your wife about setting some ground rules, your daughter is 18 and CANT be (grounded), please dont get me wrong but she's not 8 . and if you and your wife agree to let her move back in, write out a contract with rules that have to be followed, like example no drugs what so ever in the house, help around the house when asked and pay ex amount of dollars a month in rent, if daughter has a job.if not then she has to get one
2006-08-09 03:44:43 · answer #10 · answered by Mark 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋