Should my unemployed boyfriend be allowed to throw out my 19 year old son?

Question

We've recently encountered some financial problems. I have worked very hard to pay the mortgage and the bills for 7 years. My boyfriend doens't work, he's an artist but doesn't ever sell any of his art. I feel as though he is retaliating against me for the money problems by starting arguments with my son while I'm at work and throwing him out against my wishes. Also, he seems to be jealous of any attention I give my son. This is compounding my problems. What do you think I should do?

Thanks so much for all the feedback. It was so helpful and so many of you were kind enough to respond to me. It gave me a lot of courage and strenght and reinforced what many of you implied....that I knew the answer or I wouldn't be asking it, and that I was afraid to confront the situation. Thanks for pointing out that this was probably the result of guilt on the boyfriend's part...

I'm going to go deal with the situation right now- armed with the knowledge that I'm doing the right thing...that nobody has the right to make me chose or to throw out my own son.

We own the house jointly and the boyfriend has lived there longer than I have and considers it "his" house in spite of not paying the bills.

This was no free ride and it is going to come to an end today. I won't be blackmailed into supporting anyone ever again. I hope this helps other women out there in the same boat.

Answer 1

your loyalty should be to your son, if this guy isn't contributing to the household he has no right to throw your son out. is he right for you? maybe it's time to move on if these problem are occuring.

Answer 2

Oh wow, that's a toughie...............not. You have a boyfriend who is unemployed. (Quite honestly, I could care less whether he is an artiste whose dedication to his art is not appreciated by the commerical world.....ie: he ain't paid....or whether he is an unemployed garbage collector. He's a boyfriend who is freeloading. Period.) And you have a son - who is old enough to be either in school (college, Vo-Tech) or helping out financially as long as he is home. You are paying all the bills and yet you ask the question as to whether your BF should be allowed to dictate what goes on in your home.

No. This is not a tough question. People like your BF who work at things that do not financially support them should also work at something that DOES financially support them. You know, like all the actors who are waiters and waitresses ? Your BF is working you. He can be an artist and spend a bit less time at it and spend a bit more time at some kind of job - menial or not - that will bring in some money. If he does not contribute to your household, then he should not be in it.

Your son should either be in college or he should be working and paying rent, utilitities, and grocery money to you.

Your BF should not - repeat, should NOT - ever, ever be in a position to kick out your son. He is not his father; he is not your husband; he is not an authority figure and if he is jealous, then he is immature and you would be well rid of him.

Take control, honey - you are in a position where you should BE in control of most everything. Do not accept a freeloader in your midst (to include your son); so not allow your BF to usurp your position as head of that household; do not allow yourself to be a doormat for retaliation of ANY sort; do not enter into any arguments about money with anyone who does not contribute to the finances; do not give your boyfriend any money; do not let him stay if he does not pay his way. And get a grip on this situation.

Answer 3

Is your name on the mortgage/rent book, then your boyfriend has no right to throw out your son against your wishes or otherwise, he sounds like a bludger to me your boyfriend, what does he mean he is an artist, he could sell his work at the local markets round your area if he really wanted to earn some money, maybe your son is seeing how your boyfriend is taking you for granted and is voicing his opinions to your boyfriend in your absence and doesn't want to say that to you because he loves you and is worried he will upset you, I would have a huge word with your boyfriend about both his behaviour and his lack of earnings in your relationship and if he has no intention of doing anything about either of those things then the best thing you can do is chuck him out on his ear and find someone who shows you more respect, good luck.

Answer 4

Blood is thicker than water. Your boyfriend is what is called a starving artist. He could get his butt out and work, not as an artist but on another job like other people do, at least until his hobby kicks off. He has no business kicking your son out. You have been supporting your boyfriend for as you say for 7 years. He would either go out and get a job or he could get out totally!! Don't let him threw your son to the curb, he needs to be throw to the curb him self instead of the son.

Answer 5

Why would you allow him to throw out your son from your house. You bf shouldn't be living with you anyways. Evidently you like being the man in the family and having people dependent on you. Have you noticed that everything was just find until the financial problems came up? What does that tell you about your bf. Let him be a starving artist on his own.

Answer 6

No he shouldnt Bl**dy be allowed to do that! Unless your son is causing YOU problems and is a bit of a tearaway, it is entirely your decision, not his.

Why doesnt your Boyfriend sell any of his art? Maybe you need to use shock tactics on him - threaten to throw HIM out until he starts bringing some money into the home too. This is not fair on you - the main breadwinner.

Onto the jealousy thing, my dad's ex girlfriend used to be jealous of our relationship too. It broke my heart the way she tried to drive a wedge between us, and I was so pleased when my dad got rid (this was a fair few years ago, and luckily we've recovered from it). Are you sure you want to be with this guy? it seems like he's causing nothing but problems for you and making you miserable.

Hope everything turns out ok!

Answer 7

He's making you the enemy when all the while he is in the wrong and he is the one harming your son and betraying him deeply. A 19 year old sitll desparately needs his mothers love and protection, and here is your bf violating all that in his life.
I am sure your son will now have serious anger and security issue with you and all other women from now on. He will have problems trusting and loving because of this. Men are less communicative and more reactive when it comes to trauma like this; unless you are able to tackle and resolve this, I foresee acting out.
This is partially your fault and partially your bf.
You are responsbible in that you need to be aware and respectful of your own wishes, and have enough self-respect to not need another person in your life "no matter the cost toy you or your son". You need also to protect yourself from free loaders or those who do not give to meet your needs, or those who wuold do you harm, in whatever way- and he seems to be doing you significant emotional and psychological harm.
He is responsible in that he is not in control of his emotions or actions, and he is selfish and immature when it comes to relatinships. He takes his pain out on other people, and treates people as objects to mainpulate in order to ensure his own comfort and to protect his ego. He is also responsible in that he doesn not truly love you, else he would not do this to you or let such a thing be done to you. If he truly loved you, he would be concerned if anything hurt you, not be the one hurting you himself! He would do whatever it takes to not let you be hurt: ie, love your son, and help you financially so you are not suffering for 7 long years....Very bad.
Whatever provokes your bf to throw out your son may seem or he may explain it as juistified, but its truly due to the inferiority he feels when compared to your son: your bf knows he is worth less i your eyes and heart than you son, **not becuase you are an un-loving or un-giving person, but because he does you wrong.** He feels guilty and thus he is afraid that one day you will eventually turn in favor of your son over him- so hes trying to eliminate that possibility and keep a free house, by throwing out the son who would cause you to make that decision.

That is how I see it. And that is only some of it.
You can decide to keep him or dump him, based on the above.

Answer 8

I would go bloody nuts!!!!! Get you bf to get off his back side and contribute financially or take a hike! Your son should not be thrown out unless thats what you want.If he unemployed too then perhaps give him a time frame to find work because of the money problems and that you need some contribution for his upkeep. The jealous thing is a man thing just ignore it after all its your son and what mother doesnt love her son. Dont take no **** , or you ll just get continually walked all over.

Answer 9

Throw the boyfriend out...he needs to start pulling his weight. Life is hard and he needs to start helping out. What right does he have to be jealous.

Also take control. You decide whether your son moves out not your lazy boyfriend. I'm sorry we would all love to have a job we love, but he has to get in the real world and make some money too.. money doesn't grow on trees.

Don't let him take you for a ride... if you don't stand up for yourself and be heard no one else will do it for you...

Good luck!

Answer 10

well of course she isn't going to take advantage of him, how does a girl take advantage of a boy any way. If anything that 19 year old girl needs to be looking for some guys her own age, unless she's looking for some one to be her slave. That's the only reason an older girl goes out w a younger guy so she can boss them around and control them. But no I would advise my son against it.

Answer 11

Never put anyone in before your kid. How do you think your son feels right now? If I were you, I would throw the b/f out, he's just a waste of good space. You are gonna have to work very hard to rebuild your relationship with your son - but give it time! Good luck to you both.