My husband I think has a poor image of my daughter & says she's "unlikable, crazy, lazy," et cetera. Help.

Question

We've been married for a year and 3 months. She's 13. I've never known anyone else to have such a poor image of her. It causes so much tension in the air. They love each other and express it but I feel like she'll never meet his expectations. How can I help him meet her where she is instead of always criticizing her and expecting her to be ... whatever he deems is a perfect child? We're NOT getting a divorce but these problems remind me of why I said I would wait until she was in college to marry. He was quiet and not opinionated concerning her before marriage and I tried to proceed with all the wisdom and forethought I could. She's out of town with Grandma, but I can feel the return of tears and tension close up the road. We're a praying family, but this still causes heartbreak on the regular. By the way, she could get better grades, be neater and more academically minded, but she is what most people call sweet, polite, et cetera. She's popular at school but NOT home.

Wow. Such great answers. Thanks! He doesn't say these things in front of her, thankfully. But I know them and I think people know when they're "unliked." We'll see how things go after summer break and if its more of the same, a counselling we will go.

Answer 1

A 13 year old has raging hormones and it appears that your husband has some issues. A volatile combination.

Sometimes it feels like relating to a teenage daughter is harder than trying to nail Jell-O to a tree! It is amazing how she can transition over night from “daddy’s little girl” into a case of “raging hormones.” Dealing with the mood swings and ultra-sensitivity can be a true test of your husband's patience.

It’s not that he doesn’t love or care about your daughter. What’s difficult is not knowing what to do to protect her, and feeling helpless when he is not reaching her. Also, at the same time, she wants to exhibit more independence. Then when he tries to exert more influence to protect her, which she views as control -- not love and caring -- it deepens the alienation and increases the stress. This can cause you to feel a wall building between your husband and your daughter.
He needs to show your daughter that he really is interested in becoming her friend by becoming a better listener to understand what makes your teenager tick, rather than constantly criticizing her.
Imagine the peace of mind he will achieve and how much happier your daughter will feel knowing she has his complete support and respect.

Answer 2

I hope your husband doesn't say that to your daughter's face.. This sounds like a very sticky situation.. From a mother to a mother i can only say that my children always have and always will come before a man. what i am trying to say is maybe your husband should seek some counseling on how to cope with a teenager.. Maybe it would be a good idea for all of you to go.. I can already tell you that with a 13 year old its gonna be a lot more difficult for your husband to deal with because teenagers especially at her age are gonna drive u nuts but there are ways of dealing with those kinds of things appropriately.. I know u must feel torn but you have got to get some balance in that household or Else everything is going to fall apart. i feel that it is important too that your daughter does not feel this tension in the house.. its not good for her to feel shes the blame for your relationships not working out... be careful too to not push her away this really is a critical time in her life and she does need you..think about what is best for you and your daughter..

Answer 3

Everyone deals with parenthood differently, and this difference may be even more pronounced in a family with a daughter who has contrasting character or special needs. It is very usual for husband to become immersed in the world of autism after his percieved strange behaviour of his daughter. There is so much to learn and little time to waste in learning about our children and their needs. I think you should make him understand that when the desired becomes unavailable the available becomes desired or else troubles and pains follows.

Your husband must come to terms with and get to know your daughter in her own way and at his own pace.

Encouragement and support for your husband to get more patience with your daughter need not include any accusations at all. Continue to encourage positive family interaction as much as possible.

You may feel somewhat resentful at times that he doesn't like her and complains a lot and in fact this could go on for a long while. You may be more able than your husband to deal with your daughters "atitude" If your husband has a particularly hard time accepting your daughter then some counseling or therapy could be helpful. But first try to gently nudge him along and to talk to him about your feelings and his with regard to your daughter. Perhaps things can begin to move on from there. You can certainly let your husband know how his seeming impatience makes you feel; but no accusations.

Answer 4

I'm sorry, but your husband is doing a serious disservice to the child by saying such things to and about her. That is truly devestating to ones self-esteem and could affect her for a life-time.

I'm sorry, but either all of you need to seek counseling to determine how to fix the problem. Quite frankly, if it were me, I would have no problem whatsoever telling the man to either knock it off or get out because the child's needs and well-being comes first.

Answer 5

Your husband is NOT her father. He is a real jerk to demean your daughter in front of YOU and giving his unwanted opinions to your daughter also! Emotional abuse....is just as bad or worse than physical abuse. Seek counseling for the entire family no matter what the costs!

He is jealous of your daughter.....and her relationship with you as her mother!...

You really need to get this matter under control or you are going to have a 13 yr old runaway on your hands or the authorities will be visiting you!! Wake up...what your husband is doing is called emotional abuse. If you're not careful DCFS or CPS will be knocking at your door and taking your child into custodial FOSTERCARE.

You need to nip this husband of yours in the butt....before you're sitting crying over the loss of your daughter!!

Answer 6

I would suggest prayers but you are already a praying family and knowing the grief this kind of situation can bring i would suggest counselling. I am kind of getting the feeling that there is a lot more to this badmouthing than meets the eye especially since you say she is qiute a good kid. Counselling is it and i hope it helps.

Answer 7

I take it she's not his biological daughter. No wonder. Step daughters never really get good ratings from step fathers. Either way - tell him its NOT HELPING her a bit if all she hears from him are negative reviews. She's in her teens and they will always have a mind of their own. Be supportive of her and if she needs to improve on her grades, you can approach it in a more positive light rather than scold her for it. Of course, if you want her to be sweet and polite in the house, she has to receive it all the time as well. Lead by example.

Answer 8

The single most important relationship in a girl's life is with her father. She will develop her trust (and/or mistrust) in men based on how her father treats her in these formative years. If you can, ask him to sign up for the Fathering newsletters. The website authors spend time discussing this very unique and special relationship between Daddies and Daughters. He holds the power to creating a self-respecting, confident woman who is ready to face the world or reducing her to seeking comfort with the first guy who comes along to fill the void of emotional abandonment by her father. You can't fix this for him. You have to bridge this gap for your daughter's sake. I wish you and your family the best.

National Center for Fathering
http://www.fathers.com/articles/cat.asp?cat=12

Answer 9

Make him write down all her good points, every one, give sugestions, eg she isnt on drugs, isnt pregnant, doent swear, isnt abusive, is in school. Once hes made the list do a copy. give one to her. pin the other to his chest, i mean wardrobe. Once hes done that, allow him to make a bad list, 10 points only, you read it, and show her if u think u should. If he cant think of 100 nice things to say about your child, hes not trying, im sure you could. Maybe kindly advise around 100 nice things.

Answer 10

Family counseling. ASAP. Go alone then bring your daughter. Invite your husband. It sounds like simple jealousy and that won't change unless therapy is involved. PS your daughter is normal.