How to console my friend who caused her own baby 'down's syndrome'??

Question

It was 3 years ago when my friend found out she was 4 mos preg with a guy.. in a one night stand.
it was so stupid and careless of her and to only find out she was pregnant after 4 mos! she wanted to abort her baby but it was too late. she had no choice but to carry on.
During her 4 mos pregnancy, she smoke and went drinking almost every night. she lived the life like a normal girl. after she knew she was preg, she wasn't happy. she did not enjoy it.

After 7 mos of pregnancy, her baby boy was born premature. he has down's syn. she told me when she saw her baby that moment, she hoped he died.

Her baby survived and now he's already 3 years old but is both physically and mentally ill. his name is matt.
Months after matt was born, my friend finally loved him. she became a full time mom taking fully care of matt. As matt is down's, he can't eat, drink, sleep like other normal kids.

These 3 yrs hv been tough for her. i knw some of u may think she deserves it. she regrets now..

she's been living in despair, blaming herself, cries every night. so many sleepless nights and tough times, she overcame it. she goes to church and prays a lot. she is a great mom who loves matt deeply. she doesn't want to find her life, her love, she seems doesn't want anything now but to be with matt. to hopw matt will recover one day. i know that sounds silly but she's really depressed. she hates herself for eveything.

i really feel bad for her.. and wish i could help her.. what can i do to help her..?

I appreciate all your sincere ans.

She did tell me she did try some ways to make her baby died in the womb but she unwilling to mention them. i know she was insane but it was past. she's now a dedicated mom

She did tell me she did try some ways to make her baby died in the womb but she unwilling to mention them. i know she was insane but it was past. she's now a dedicated mom

She did tell me she did try some ways to make her baby died in the womb but she unwilling to mention them. i know she was insane but it was past. she's now a dedicated mom

Answer 1

there is no way to cause Down's Syndrome. It is an abnormality of the chromosome called trisomy 21. It was not her fault, however a careless lifestyle can cause other problems for a baby such as fetal alcoholism, the baby can be addicted to the mother's drugs, the baby can be too small if she smokes or has bad nutrition.

Answer 2

First of all, Downs is usually a result of genetic mutation. Nothing she could have done would have caused it. Though the premature birth may have been caused by the smoking and drinking. He might have fetal alcohol syndrome on top of that, but if the doctors say he doesn't, then nothing she did made her baby the way it was. Tell her she can rest her soul on that one. The rest she might need therapy for.

It sounds like she suffered depression during the pregnancy and after the birth. This can cause a mom to not bond with the baby, and even dislike him. Again, she should probably seek medical advice and/or counseling. Other than that, let her know what others have said here: down's is genetic, and cannot be caused or prevented (unless she decided to invade a nuclear power plant or something, I guess). She's doing the right thing now, and that's what's important.

Answer 3

First off i am not an expert but i do not think that her actions caused her babys down syndrome.
It is a genetic disease, and could not have turned out any different if she knew the moment that she was pregnant. and did not drink or smoke weed.
now if the baby had FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome) then it would be her fault because of her lifestyle.
But her not knowing that she is pregnant till she is 4 months along is not bad some women dont know until they go into labor, not very likely but it still happens. It just meant that she was too caught up in her life that she missed the signs.

All i can say is help her as much as you can, listen to her, and tell her just what i have put down here, it may make her feel a little better and dont belittle her she was not stupid and careless just preoccupied. She is a better mom than most would have been in her position and I applaud her for her love and devotion to her son.
She should not punish herself so.

Answer 4

This whole story is false or this story has a lot of stupidity.

Why? I am in the field of study of special needs infants and toddlers for the last 4 years.

Down Syndrome : A child gets an extra chromosome - for a total of 47 chromosomes instead of 46. It's this extra genetic material that causes the physical and cognitive delays associated with DS.

My niece was born with Pallister-Killian Syndrome. A rare chromosomal disorder caused by the presence of four copies of the short arm of chromosome 12 instead of the normal two.

We had a lot of research done on a lot of chromosomal disorders, one being DS since then.

Reason why this "3 year old" is mentally and physically handicapped because the 3 year old was exposed to alcohol and drug related during pregnancy gestational. Risk of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and Narcotic Addictions.

Answer 5

Due to the fact she only found out when she was 4 months along she can't really blame herself for anything she put into her body prior to that...she sounds like she was living a pretty rough lifestyle before she found out she was pregnant the world works in mysterious ways...we are sometimes thrown these challenges to make us appreciate how precious life really is. I think she should stop being so hard on herself because that is not going to change her situation...for someone who didn't want her baby she has done a fantastic devoted job with her son when a lot of people would have given the baby up for adoption. Be supportive of your friend, see if she is interested in joining a support group for parents of down syndrome children it may help her cope to talk to people who are going through the same struggles.

I wish her luck and praise her for her strength to take on such a huge responsibility considering the circumstances that surrounded her pregnancy.

Answer 6

Down's syndrome is genetic, this was determined as soon as the baby was conceived, there is nothing your friend could have done to change it. While she shouldn't have been drinking and smoking while she was pregnant, that didn't cause her son to have down's syndrome. If the smoking had caused problems it would most likely have been with lung function and low birth weight. Drinking sometimes causes fetal alcohol syndrome. Help her to try and realize and support and point out how hard she is trying to be a good mom now.

Answer 7

Smoking and drinking probably wasn't the cause of downs syn. get her info on the disease, its a genetic defect not something she did! I lived next door to a girl years ago that did introvenious drugs during her pregnancy ( not on a daily basis but often) the night she went into labor she was tripping on acid the baby was6 weeks early and a little small (5Lbs) but had no long term effects the docs never even questioned her ( this was 1985) about drugs! She needs to talk to professional healthcare workers who can help her and her son, everybody makes mistakes she don't deserve it and it isn't her fault!

Answer 8

Wow, this is very harsh for both her and Matt. I know she needs therapy. You can go to Catholicharitiesusa.org and find a local chapter in her area. You do not have to be catholic, they will help her afford to see a therapist. Secondly, She needs to accept what has happened . Nothing she can do to change his Downs now. So FOCUS on the GOOD things that happen with Her and Matt. Enjoy life so that he may also enjoy it with you. If you are sad and depressed , even a mentally challenged child feels the sadness. He has shown her that he is a survivor, She needs to be a survivor too. Help her find her strength, by remembering things that are positive in your life. Just because child is Handicap, does not mean He cannot be Happy. Shift from sadness to gladness , easy as flipping a light switch, You choose your emotions. Life will be better for Him if she chooses. There is lots of groups to help you.

Answer 9

The best way you could help is to be there for moral support, maybe talk to her about seeking help for her self to help get over the regret. She can't carry that around with her forever it will just bring her down. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes and there are some way worst parents out there than your friend. Thye important thing right now is that she knows what she did and how she feels inside about her son and her self and now she is the mother she needed to be, the past doesn't matter cause no one can change it all she can do now is to do her best to make her aqnd her son'e life as good as possible. She needs to care for her self to mentally and phyically if not who will be there for him.

Answer 10

Your friend is going to have to face the reality that she has a son with illness. He will never recover from it, there is nothing she can do to change it. I am a mother of 4 children, and I have been blessed that none of them have any medical problems, but all I can say is that she needs to help him grow and make sure he knows he is loved. Being drepressed and feeling sorry for herself is not helping Matt at all. You should talk to her about going to therepy. It's not something to be ashamed of, they also can teach her how to better deal with everyday problems with taking care of Matt. Hope this helps you at all.