Got a funny tale, limerick, joke, pun, story or riddle featuring your favorite religious tinge? Let's hear 'em... Please be respectful of others. Nothing offensive, please.
2006-08-08 19:15:01 · 14 answers · asked by Mustafa 5 in Society & Culture ➔ Religion & Spirituality
An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.
"OH MY GOD! ..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving ...
As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around...
"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"
Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"VERY WELL." Said God.
The light went out.
The river ran.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."
2006-08-08 19:19:44 · answer #1 · answered by laetusatheos 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God almighty!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good" and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior," but, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that darn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
2006-08-08 19:22:52 · answer #2 · answered by retisin2002 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Hospital Stay
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery.
The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God."
"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in-law."
The Garden Of Eden
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."
2006-08-08 19:21:22 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Nothing offensive! any religious joke is going to be offensive to some.
But OK try this physical joke on your friends:
First stand up and stretch your arms straight out and hand your head down and say to them " What is this"
After the I don't know responce,
Say "A bad way to spend Easter"
Its a hoot!!
2006-08-08 19:24:41 · answer #4 · answered by Hathor 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What is this, some kind of joke?" Budum dum.
2006-08-08 19:18:43 · answer #5 · answered by Mithrandir_black 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i love religious jokes. seriously. but can you really make a joke about Islam that will not offend a muslim? i mean with the cartoons and all. i personally laugh at stuff that makes fun of what i believe, at least when it's funny.
2006-08-08 19:20:33 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
A priest meets a rabbi and says, "You know, I've been to the jewish heaven and you would not believe the mess. The stench, the disorganization, the noise." The rabbi says, "Well, I've been to the christian heaven, and there isn't a soul in sight."
2006-08-08 19:19:31 · answer #7 · answered by vampire_kitti 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Two kids are in Sunday School. A girl who keeps falling asleep sits next to a boy with his pen out.
The teacher asks, "Who created heaven and earth?" The boy pokes the girl in the side with his pen.
"God almighty!" yells the girl.
"Very good!" says the teacher. The girl starts to snooze off again.
The teacher asks, "Who died for our sins?" The boy pokes her with his pen again.
"Jesus Christ!" yelled the girl.
"Very good." The girl goes off to sleep again.
The teacher asks, "What did Eve say to Adam after having their 26th kid?" The boy pokes her with the pen again.
The girl yells, "If you put that thing into me one more time, I swear I'll break it in half!"
The teacher fainted.
2006-08-09 06:57:04 · answer #8 · answered by Giggly Giraffe 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sh!t Happens, in various World Religions:
Taoism: Sh!t happens, go with the flow
Hare Krishna: Sh!t happens Rama Rama Ding Ding
Hinduism: This sh!t has happened before
Islam: That sh!t happens is the will of Allah
Zen: What is the sound of sh!t happening?
Existentialism: Sh!t doesn't happen; sh!t is
Buddhism: When sh!t happens, is it really sh!t?
Confucianism: Confucius says, "Sh!t happens"
7th day Adventist: **** happens on Saturdays
Protestantism: Sh!t won't happen if I work harder
Catholicism: If sh!t happens, you deserved it
Jehovah's Witnesses: No sh!t happens until Armaggedon
Unitarian: What is this sh!t?
Mormon: Sh!t happens again & again & again
Judaism: Why does this sh!t always happen to us?
Pentacostalism: Praise the sh!t!
Atheism: There is no sh!t!
New Age: Sh!t happens and it happens to smell good
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this sh!t
2006-08-08 19:19:52 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Q:how many mormons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2006-08-08 19:18:45 · answer #10 · answered by Fluffington Cuddlebutts 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋