How do I deal with the fighting?

Question

My son (10) and stepson (12) are constantly fighting. I know that this will probably continue from now on, but it is getting rediculous. They compete over who can get me or my husband something we ask for the quickest, then the one who didnt get it first complains "I was going to get it." They fight over what toy belongs to who. Each tattles on the other all the time. I am to the point of just hiding in my room and never coming out. I know I cant make them completely stop fighting, but how do I at least control it better, and what is a good punishment that would teach them to get along better?

Answer 1

IF they are competing over who can get you or your husband something the quickest.. and do you mean like when you send them into the kitchen to get a glass of water, or presents?.. anyway.. ask only one kid for something.. Like, if you need a pen.. say hey 10 year old kid (since we dont know their names).. can you get me a pen. Then say hey 12 year old.. can you get me some paper.. then there is nothing to compete for..if the boy who wasn't asked starts to go get it.. say.. hey 10 year old.. I think I asked the 12 year old to get it. Make sure they know you are in charge.

They are fighting over toys.. tell them either to learn to share toys.. or you'll get rid of their toys. If they keep fighting.. send them out of the house.. to a friends or whatever.. and pack up all the toys you can find into a box and hide them in the attic..

Every time they fight, make them hug. If they are fighing in the car, tell them if they don't stop you will make them hold hands for 5 minutes.. if they stop holding hands.. make it 10.. this will work at home too.. after all what 10 and 12 year old boys want to hold hands.

Find activities that they both like and have them do them together. If they both like riding bikes.. do it together. If they both like playing basketball.. do it together. Make sure that they spend 1/2 - 1 hour a day doing an activity together, with no fighting.. and if they start fighting, find some kind of punishment.. like the holding hands thing.. that they will do instead.

Answer 2

I have two teens that are 14 months apart. They have been fighting since Birth.ugh! I wish I had an answer for ya. I have locked myself in the room many of times. The only thing I have found that helps is to not ask one to do something for you without asking the other to do something else at the same time. Then they cant compete. Set ground rules and a point system.If u have the patience,it can work but your hubby has to take part in it as well. Also they are competeing for your attention because of the marriage things have changed for them. If they really dont like eachother then there has to be a happy medium somewhere!Also get some much deserved "me"time too. Good Luck!

Answer 3

This is for sure: each fears the other is loved and valued more.

You could try rewarding good behavior with attention rather than punishing the bad. Schedule some individual time with each of them on a regular basis, and really interact with the one you're with. Ask him questions, give him as much honest praise and positive feedback as possible. Be as affectionate as is appropriate. It might be harder at first to do this with your stepson, but if you keep going on a regular schedule, I believe the competition should decrease somewhat. Your husband should do the same thing. Each boy can have individual time and attention and it will be special to them. When they both feel more secure and valued, they should feel less need to fight.

To go along with that, you could use a daily chart, giving stars (or check-marks, etc.) when they don't fight. Don't separate it out by name, either -- they fight, no star. A day without fighting earns a star. Therefore they have to learn to work together to accomplish a goal.

Good luck.

Answer 4

You can set house rules with consequences and be diligent but some kids just have to mature some before they stop this behavior. One rule with major consequences should be on the tattling.

Our children did not have exactly the same situations but when they got to be your children's ages, we wrote out an agreement, discussed it with them and then they signed it. We did that with one of our exchange students too. It did help to hold them accountable and made them feel more mature. Raising nice kids is tough but worth it in the end! Make sure you and hubby are presenting a united front too. Best to you.

Answer 5

First of all, maybe time alone with each of them separately would be a plus. They are competing for your attention.

As for making them get along, not sure how you can do that at their ages. I have kids older than them and they are blood related, and still act like that, only mine don't compete to get me something... they tell me the other is more able to do things than they are.

Answer 6

All I am sure of is this: the biological parent is responsible for discipline unless you have had your stepson in your home as a child since he was 3 or 4. I vote for some GOOD counseling for the parents...good luck

Answer 7

Whenever they start fighting over a toy or game, take it away and don't give it back. If they fight over the T.V. take both their T.V. privileges away. They'll eventually get bored and realize they have to stop fighting over stuff.

Answer 8

Here's a strategy that my old school grandad used to do. Make us sit on the couch and hold hands. We had to be close enough that our legs and shoulders were touching. We hated it. And it was enough to make us think twice about fighting (at least where he could see us),

Answer 9

my son and stepsons fought quite a bit at that age, and believe it or not, they came out of it after a while so hang in there!! try to do things with each, individually, maybe they won't vie for your attention quite so much.

Answer 10

they really do love u both.so why dont u call them,sit them down and let them understand that they the most wonderful gift that u have ever wanted.so having both of them living without fighting would make u and ur husband happier.yeah...