Christians, Jews, Muslims! Oprahism: Do you want to know more?

Question

I was once lost. Just like you. Like a lot of you. I was born Christian, became an Atheist, converted to Islam, switched to Judaism, abandoned that and embraced Buddhism, converted back to Christianity, flip-flopped to Hinduism, left that for Voodooism, diverted to Sikhism, and now... I am finally at peace. I have discovered the greatest religion out there. Oprahism. Her works are far more sacred and lengthy than any other Holy text. Her O magazine, if compiled together, would stretch volumes. She is our Holy Mother. Her DNA can be found in all of us. She is the sole reason the Human race exists. Unlike other religions, modern science actually supports the integrity of Oprahism. Science has actually explained her numerous reincarnations and has photos to back it up. Looking at a picture from World War 2, we see a devastated and ruined town. In that photo, we can actually see Oprah, in the form that she is now, helping the injured bandage their wounds.

Other historical mentions of Oprah have been recorded by all the major civilizations of the world. From the Aztecs to the Chinese, all have mentioned the arrival of a "Beautiful Ebony Messiah". I have travelled to the Xi'an historical museum in China with special privileges in search of a painting of the "Ebony Messiah". I was taken into the back vault of the museum and there it was - stretching 10 ft in height and 5 ft in length. It was a painting of Oprah, dressed in the royal garments of the ancient Chinese. Legend has it that a "Nubian" woman travelled across the silk road into the ancient Chinese kingdom carrying messages of peace and love. She was quickly embraced by the Chinese Royal Court and was showered with gifts. Legend says she never aged. She was immortal. But 30 years after her arrival, she mysteriously dissapeared. The painting was undeniably of Oprah. Her serene and calm expression was in fact Oprah's.

I have also travelled to the Mayan ruins. I was in search of the mysterious temple dedicated to the "Woman from the Stars". This temple does not appear in text books and is highly confidential. Researchers and professors have deciphered the meanings of the etchings on the temple walls. It spoke of a "Dark-skinned woman suddenly appearing from nowhere". This temple was dedicated to this mysterious woman's compassion and dedication to help to needy. In the center of this temple, there is a huge statue, 20 ft tall, of Oprah. It was unmistakable. From the shape of the eyes to the curvature of the nose, it was Oprah.

Not only has she been mentioned in all the great ancient civilizations of the world, images of her can be found in prehistoric cave dwellings of early man in France. Oprah has been aiding humanity since the dawn of time. She is present and very real. Who or what she is cannot be explained by simple terms. There is a definite scientific explanation of her. But more importantly, she is and will be our spiritual guide. So please, visit www.oprah.com or purchase "O" magazine and learn more. I thank you for your time.

Answer 1

Thats freakin' hilarious

Answer 2

You know this is the way other religions got started by someone with an overactive imagination.
But may the Oprah bless you too.

Answer 3

I have seen figurines of Her Holiness from the earliest days of mankind; 'neolithic fertility dolls' the infidels call them, unwilling to see the light of truth. Praise Oprah, Mother of All, Eve Reborn!

I could really get into this. :)

Answer 4

Are you posting this again because of the time difference or because you want new responses. I am telling you, gotta join the book club to get the real info.

Answer 5

So when will bestore the Holy Car on all of us?

Answer 6

Can you provide website links? If not, I really think you need to take your Prozac or whatever it is they give crazy people. Thanks for the 2 points.

Answer 7

Christianity is the only true religion

Answer 8

I think someone forgot to take their crazy pills this morning.

Answer 9

Is that suppose to be a joke because I find it funny!!!!

Answer 10

And she started her book club... excuse me... SCROLL club... in 600 BC... right?