Does my husbands ex have to deal with me whether she likes it or not?

Question

My husbands ex gave him custody of their son. I am having to take over as him "mom", by providing for him, taking him to appointments and setting down rules. I usually expect my husband to deal with her, (phone calls or asking for things that we need like my stepsons SS card or birth certificate). However I know that one day I will probably need to speak to her, (if my husband is at work or forgets or just plain doesnt want to speak to her). Since I am taking over her parenting (and yes I feel I am since she has not asked to see her son in over 2 months) I think she should have to deal with me whether she wants to or not. If she doesnt want to she shouldn't have sent her son to live in our home. Do you agree?

Answer 1

I agree. She does have to deal with you but it sounds like you are ready for a fight. If you do talk to her, just make it like a business call. Be courteous, answer her questions and then say bye. If she is not one of the nicer humans, I feel sorry for you but feel very happy for your husband's son. Remember, even though a child is a lot of work, you are all the mom he has. You can deal with her because the son needs you to do this for him. It is always easier to be nice when you are doing it for someone else's benefit. You and hubby should decide what you should give her as far as information goes, and if she needs more then that, then you can tell her to call back when hubby is home. Don't let her intimidate you. She may be the birth mother, but what good mom goes 2 months without seeing her child? Keep up the good work and give the son lots of hugs and love.

Answer 2

I agree that she should give you respect and credit for taking over her parenting role. However, she doesn't have to deal with you on any level. I know it sounds harsh, but there is no legal reason for her having to deal with you. On a personal level, she should be able to speak in a civil tone with you about things involving the child. Sadly, this doesn't happen very often in blended family. I'm not sure what her reason for giving up custody was, but I would doubt it was an easy decision. Give her some time, she might come around. If not, then do your best and know you are the better person.

Answer 3

If you are his step-mom- yes and why wouldn't she want to have a relationship with you or get to know you- you are raising her child!

It only hurts the children when there is animosity between all the parents raising (or not raising in this situation) them.

I had a step son (not married to his dad anymore) and I was pretty much the main parent. I always talked to the Bio mom, it is her child. I wanted to be involved in every aspect of his life and know what was going on with him at her house so I assumed she wanted the same. My ex on the other hand wanted to "keep her out of our life" which I thought was just messed up- sorry you had a kid with her you get to deal with her for at least 18 years now and you better just get used to it because that is what is best for your child.

anyways I kinda went on a lil rant there didn't I? LOL

simple answer- yes you should speak with the child's mother.

Answer 4

As you are now the Mother-figure in the child's home environment, I would have to say yes. The two of you are going to have to learn how to deal with each other.
I feel that it will vary greatly depending on the age of the child. If he's 2 and very reliant on you the three of you will have to be a parenting team (even if she hasn't participated in a couple of months) If he's 11 or older, he isn't so reliant on you. He has already developed some self reliance and though he may have to make adjustments, so, too, will you.

Answer 5

Eventually she will have to deal with you.. it may not even be something like asking her for something. What happens when your stepson graduates from highschool.. you'll both be there right?

Your first job as a step mom is to make sure that your step son knows that you understand that you are not his mom.. but since he is living in your house he still must obey you. Sometimes if you do not assure them that you know that you aren't their mom, they will feel like you are trying to take their mom's place. No matter how absent his mom is, it's still his mom. Your second job is to make sure you never bad mouth his mom in front of him. If the thoughts you have are justified, he'll figure it out on his own.

I have to give my mom credit.. my parents were divorced when I was 2. My mom never got a penny from my dad, and we never saw him again until I was almost 9.. but she never said a bad word about him. When we started seeing him again, she made an effort to put up with my stepmom.. since my dad didn't have visitation rights and didn't have a place for us to sleep anyway.. she'd bring us over there for a couple hours on weekends..and since he was drinking or doing drugs alot, she stayed.. incase there was a need to get us out of there. She even let my half sisters stay at our house with us.. even though they weren't her kids. And although my step mom hated my mom.. she put up with her for my dad.. so he could see us..

You and your husband's ex need to find a way to be civil to eachother for the sake of your stepson. He'll always love his mom, but he lives with you.. and eventually he will think of you like a mom.. even if he won't say it. And there will be times when he needs both of you. If he can see that you have made an effort.. it might make his transition easier.. and he will see that you do care about what is important to him. If his mom is unwilling to make an effort.. at least you will have the peace of mind of knowing that you did what was best for your stepson, even if his mom didn't

Answer 6

you should be able to speak with her but ...

maybe she finds it hard to speak with you... maybe she feels like a failure for handing over her son to you and not being able or wanting to care for him...

let her know you love her son and you only ever want what is best for him and that if ever she wante dto call to see how he was or anything that all she has to do it call...

if there are any difficulties that need to be addressed with the child, ;et your husband do it... just play the nice cop here

dont give her any reason why she shouldnt talk to you... when she is ready and feels comfortable she will...

keep peace from your side of the table and avoid arguments... only discuss things with your husband for now... it wont laways be like this

Answer 7

Yes and no! if it is to do with the boy then yes, but anything else no. and you need to keep it short and simple and nice. get her to give you any important papers and anything else you can think of so you don't have to talk to her.
I am lucky i get along great with my exs new wife, of course i have full custody of our son and they get him every other weekend and for a couple weeks in the summer. but i don't hold him to just those times any time he wants to see our son he can. I talk to his new wife alot even about stuff that isn't about our son, but we get along. and we have worked hard to get along, it just makes life sooooo much easier.'
I would also say if she has a fit about you calling try to have your husband do it from there on. good luck

Answer 8

Your being put between a rock and a hard place, your husband should have the majority of the raising responsibilitys, not becauce they are boys, but to help out like the Brady bunch .

Answer 9

not really but i do think that if you husband has custody then he should file for vital records himself,no need to talk to her at all, also if she calls then she has to deal with whoever answers the phone AVOID ANY CONFLICTS WITH HER FOR THE CHILD'S SAKE!! that said why would you want to deal with her anyway seems he wants to avoid her too, feel good that you have the chance to do something for this child that his own mother cant do.

Answer 10

If your husband has full custody and she has given up her rights to the child then yes she should have to listen to you because you are his mother now