can you tell me really funnny jokes?

Question

funniest will get 10 points. quantity and quality counts

Answer 1

A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but
she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

Answer 2

Twin sisters just turned one hundred years old at St.Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old ladies.
One of the twins was hard of hearing, but the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa. The deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAID WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little", said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

Answer 3

A taxi driver picks up his last fare of the night, and a nun gets in. While he is driving her to her destination he says,"You know, I've always wondered what it would be like to get a BJ from a nun..." She says, "Well, are you Catholic?" "I sure am" the taxi driver replies. "Well, okay then... but never tell a soul!" "I promise," he replies. The guy gets the best BJ he's EVER had.

When she gets to her destination and is leaving the cab, the driver says, "I'm sorry, I have to confess--I'm not really Catholic..."

The nun replies, "Oh, that's okay, Hun. My name is really Norm and I'm on my way to a costume party..."

Answer 4

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party

Answer 5

one day a young teenager named kambu was strolling through the forest when he came up to a small bull elephant. the elephant had his foot raised in the air as if he was in pain. As kambu examined his foot he discovered and large torn stuck in the elephant foot. Kambu then plucked it out. then the elephant trumpeted loudly and raised his foot up then down then up then down repeatedly while trumpeting.
twelve years later kambu was walking through the eastern Indian zoo with his son kambali. As soon as they came up to the elephant exhibit he saw a large bull elephant and he trumpeted and raised his foot up and down up and down. finally after 5 minutes of watching him he finally got up the courage to climb into the elephant exhibit. he walked up to the large elephant and touched his foot. almost instantly the elephant wrapped his trunk around kambu's leg and viciously swung him back and forth killing him.

moral of the story: dont ***** with elephants

Answer 6

GEORGE W. BUSH----biggest joke I know of

Answer 7

one old woman died in her childhood...!

Answer 8

nock knock whos there noone HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 9

There once was a little girl named Mary. Her dad wanted her to do well in preschool, so he said, "If you learn the alphabet and your numbers and colors, and are the best preschool student you can be, when you graduate I'll give you anything you want, no questions asked."

So Mary was a model preschooler, and after her preschool graduation, her dad said, "Okay, tell me what you want. Anything you want, I'll give it to you, no questions asked." He figured she'd ask for a doll or something.

Mary looked him straight in the eyes and said, "Daddy, I want 20,000 green Ping-Pong balls!"

Her father was shocked (they didn't even have a Ping-Pong table), but he remember his promise: "no questions asked." So one day when Mary came home from a friend's house, he told her, "Okay, you asked for them, so I got them for you. Your 20,000 green Ping-Pong balls are upstairs waiting for you."

"Thanks, Daddy!" she exclaimed. She ran upstairs, banged around in her room for a few minutes, then ran out of her room, down the stairs, out the front door, down the street and she was gone.

Going upstairs to find out what had caused all the banging, her father was astonished to find no trace of the 20,000 Ping-Pong balls. He searched all over her room, but couldn't find a single green ball.

When Mary entered middle school, her father told her, "If you're a model student, and get straight A's, do extracurriculars, and be the best student you can be, I'll get you whatever you want for graduation, no questions asked."

So Mary was a model student. She had a 4.0 GPA all three years, played on the field hockey team, and got the lead in the school play two years in a row.

As graduation drew nearer, her father pulled her aside and said, "Okay, like I promised, I'll get you anything you want, no questions asked," thinking she would ask for a shopping spree or a new bike or computer or something.

Mary looked him straight in the eyes and said, "Daddy, I want 20,000 green Ping-Pong balls!"

Rendered speechless, her father was about to ask why when he remembered his promise: "no questions asked."

When Mary got home from graduation, her father said, "Okay, go up to your room. Your 20,000 green Ping-Pong balls are waiting for you!"

"Thanks, Daddy!" she exclaimed. She ran upstairs, banged around in her room for a few minutes, then ran out of her room, down the stairs, out the front door, down the street and she was gone.

Once again her father went up to her room, and once again he couldn't find a single green Ping-Pong ball. What was she doing will all those balls? he wondered. But he couldn't ask.

When Mary entered highschool, her father said, "Okay, like I've done in the past, if you're a model student all four years of highschool, when you graduate I will buy you anything you want, no questions asked."

So once again, Mary was a model student, got into a good college, and was graduating top of her class. One day she was sitting at the kitchen table ordering her cap and gown when her father came up to her and said, "Okay, like I promised, I'll get you anything you want, no questions asked." He figured she'd want a car, or to pay some guy to be her boyfriend, or her own apartment while at college or something.

Mary looked him straight in the eyes and said, "Daddy, I want 20,000 green Ping-Pong balls!"

For the third time, he was speechless. But, he remembered his promise: "no questions asked." So one day, when Mary came home from her summer job, he told her, "Go up to your room. Your 20,000 green Ping-Pong balls are waiting for you."

"Thanks, Daddy!" she exclaimed. She ran upstairs, banged around in her room for a few minutes, then ran out of her room, down the stairs, out the front door, down the street and she was gone.

Trying to resist, but unable to stand the suspense, he took the stairs two at a time and thoroughly searched the entire room. There was no trace of any of the Ping-Pong balls. Frustrated and tired, he went back downstairs.

Mary was starting college at Harvard. He told her, "If you graduate valedectorian, get a good job, and be the best student you can be, no DWIs or tickets or arrests, I'll get you anything you want when you graduate, no questions asked."

So for the fourth time, she met up to her father's standards, and in May, when she graduated, her father hugged her and said, "Honey, I'm so proud of you, and I'm going to go through with my promise like I did before. You can have anything you want, no questions asked." Expecting her to ask for a house, a car, tickets to an exotic destination, he prayed that she asked for anything, ANYTHING but 20,000 green Ping-Pong balls. His prayers were futile.

Mary looked him straight in the eyes and said, "Daddy, I want 20,000 green Ping-Pong balls!"

He felt like screaming. But, he had promised "no questions asked", so he had no choice but to oblige her. One day, he went to her new house and put them in her room, then when she got home surprised her with a hug and said, "Like I promised, honey, 20,000 green Ping-Pong balls are waiting for you in your room."

"Thanks, Daddy!" she exclaimed. She ran upstairs, banged around in her room for a few minutes, then ran out of her room, down the stairs, out the front door, down the street and she was gone.

And for the fourth and final time, he searched everywhere on the top floor of her house, and could find no trace of any green Ping-Pong balls.

Several years later, Mary fell ill, and was admitted to the hospital. Her father came to visit her. Curiosity overcoming him, he said, "Mary, I know I said 'no questions asked', but I just have to know: What did you do with the 80,000-odd Ping-Pong balls I've given you over the years?"

"Well Daddy...." Mary began.

And then she died.

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haha i LOVE and HATE that joke.... it took forever for my friend to tell it and i was so pissed off when she didn't tell me what happened to the Ping-Pong balls....

i think mary ate them.