Question about an ex's behavior?

Question

Last spring, I was dating a nice young woman and we seemed to get along really well. The relationship lasted a month, and then she completely turned around on me and dumped me out of the blue. I then found out that she had another guy three months later (She met the guy three months later and I found out at the same time), and three months after they met, the two of them were engaged. Whoa! If she thought we were going too fast, isn't getting engaged after three months very fast? What do you think of her behavior in our relationship and now with this new guy? Is there anything I can learn from the situation?

Answer 1

Firstly, accept my sympathies. Finding out that your ex got engaged, no matter what the relationship or breakup was like must be an enormous shock. There's no good way to react to news like that if you haven't really fully moved on and become invested in a relationship of your own.


Secondly, congratulations for wanting to learn something from this experience!

I find that people who say 'get over it' or tell you you're an idiot for still feeling for her is unproductive, unrealistic and a sign that they either haven't been through it or expect that you'll react in the same way they did.

It's possible that to protect your feelings she's telling you that she met the guy after ending things with you.
One thing to remember is that whilst you're entitled to feel upset and cheated etc, it's when you get to the point where you either realise you haven't thought of her at all or you've thought of her and had no emotional reaction whatsoever that you're finally regaining control and more importantly, taking power back from her - because whether you realise it or not, you have allowed her to have control over how you feel - this isn't a criticism however, its a common thing to have happen in a relationship.

Try dating again but make sure that you only get into a serious relationship once you have reached that point where you're through the tunnel and at the other side - until then any relationship is a rebound one and not fair to either of you.

Also, it's not uncommon for people to come out of relationships and then find the next one to be the one they want as a marriage. I'm sorry if that's hurtful to read but you'd be surprised at the number of people who get engaged or married after ending what seems like a perfect relationship.

I think that if anything you need to remember that not every relationship will lead to marriage but that this should leave you with hope that you WILL find the right person for you. IF you're capable of feeling so much for someone, you're going to make someone VERY happy one day - hold onto your best qualities and keep being nice, sensitive, genuine and caring.

Also, you're allowed to feel cheated and unhappy with this situation. Just try not to let it eat you up inside or it'll turn to poison and obsession - get a kewpie doll if you like lol, but make sure you put it away eventually. She's not worth your energy and focus. IT's time to start focussing on you.

There's no rule that says you have to feel happy for this person or their new relationship - honestly, I think it's a little dysfunctional to say you feel happy for someone who you feel has betrayed you - and it's certainly a sign that you're not admitting how you really feel if you walk around saying you feel happy for her. Own your feelings - no-one else can or has the right to own them for you or to tell you how to feel.

And if nothing else, remember, there's a thing called Karma, you will get what you deserve and hopefully it's all good! Whilst I'm happily married, I'd have loved to have a guy like you in my life as a partner - so don't lose those good, attractive qualities.

Hugs, Meg.

Answer 2

It doesn't really matter how long ago this happened. You were hurt by someone, and we all have our time frame on how and when to heal. You were just dating someone who wasn't that in to you. She wasn't sure about things with you, and perhaps then slowed things down, especially if she met this other guy at the time. When sparks flew with him, (she was "into" this guy, obviously...), it was time to discard you. Perhaps there might have been another way to do things, like being totally honest with you, and letting you know right up front that she was simply dating, and then telling you the truth when she knew her true feelings about the other person. I think maybe you fell too quickly for her, or you would not be so hurt now. The best advice I can give anyone, is to be friends first. Too many people meet someone and immediately settle in to things. Then, they discover, after the fact, that they really don't "like" the person, or are not "into" that person like they thought they were. If people would simply be friends, and learn all about the other person, you would be able to tell where things were going, (relationship or friendship). You can learn from everything you experience here. You really did nothing wrong, however, I would in the future, get to know someone very well before giving my heart away, or wearing it on my sleeve. Our hearts are very fragile, and sometimes without thinking, we offer them out, or give them away, when they really are precious gifts that we, (and others), can take for granted. Move carefully and slowly. Be happy with yourself first. When you are, you show others that you are truly open and ready for "love", and you'll attract those who are ready as well. Make and keep good friendships, and maybe one of those will develop in to something more. What better person to love, than a true and devoted friend? Allow yourself time to grieve, and then find the ability to forgive her, and wish her well in her life, and simply move on. Always be a gentleman.

Answer 3

You can learn that she's a very definitive girl. A lot of people say when you know, you know. After a month she figured out that you were not the one for her. She was nice and you got along, but that does not a great, long-lasting relationship make. She met this new guy and instantly knew that he was the one for her. Sometimes people know that quickly and she made some fast decisions. I'd say these things are 50/50. Sometimes it works out and it's a great story to tell the grandkids, other times it ends up in an early divorce when you realize you should have had more time to get to know each other.

Answer 4

What you can learn is that you just hooked up with the wrong person. Move on,get over her. There is nothing really worng with her behavior except that she led you on a bit and wasn't woman enough to tell you she wasn't feeling you like thay. Just be glad that you got dumped instead of being dragged into a Jerry Springer situation. Good Luck!

Answer 5

what u need to learn is to be happy for people that they've found someone they want to spend the rest of their life with... and also that she Saved u grief for cutting the relationship off when she knew it wasn't going to work with you. do NOT take this kind of thing personally... sometimes things just aren't right, and it has nothing to do with u not being "good enough" for her, or whatever. it's about all of us striving to find what will make us truly happy. if u really love someone, u want the best for them. i'm not saying u love this girl cuz it was only a month, but if u care about her AT ALL, u will just be happy that she's found someone she can actually say "yes" to. just as if u found someone u could see urself marrying, that wasn't this girl, it wouldn't be fair of her to hold it against you. things happen for a reason.. remember, have boundaries and goals for ur future wife: u need and want someone who Loves and Wants you, and only you. not someone who just has a good time w/ u, or likes ur personality. someone who truly wants the best for you, and will keep u safe, secure, happy and positive...*AND* makes u want to be the same for her. that is so important..until u have that, don't ever look back and regret.

Answer 6

It was last year and you're still dwelling on it? Move on. When someone meets the person they want to spend the rest of their life with it doesnt matter how much time they've spent together. You werent that person for her. She may not have intended for it to happen that fast, but when you're in love you do crazy things. Be happy for her and move on.

Answer 7

It says a lot about her!Count your blessings she moved on. She didn't handle the situation with you very well.It says to me she was not the one for you! Count your blessings some people are in long relationships and do that to the people they supposedly care about!Get out there and have fun.

Answer 8

Sorry dude, but she was probably seeing other people while she was with you. And sometimes, things just happen...maybe it was just love at first sight. Don't worry...it'll all come around and bite her in the a$$ someday anyway.

Answer 9

yeah learn that girls can be shaddy just as well as guys can so next time open your eyes and see what kind of girl they are..

and don't worry thing will be all good!! like alway in the long run!!

Answer 10

she was probly using you, and that shows apperently the type of girll she is, just whach out whehn you date girls like her, to look for her using you "taking money, sucking up to you ect"