I am desperate to hear a good joke!!!!?

Answer 1

Here you go

How does Helen Keller drive? One hand on the wheel and one hand one the road!
How do you Punish Hellen Keller? 1- Reareange the Furniture 2- Give her a basketball and tell her to read it. 3- tell her to find the corners in a round room
Why does Helen Keller have holes in her face? She tried eating with a fork.
Did you hear about the new Helen Keller Doll? You wind her up and she bumps into the furniture!
What is Helen Keller's favorite Convenience Store? WAAAWAAA
Why did Helen Keller's dog jump off a cliff and kill itself? You would too if your name was sajifjlsisdjifiuop
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They stuck a plunger in the toilet.
How many kids did Helen Keller have? NONE! The plunger went all the way through!
If Helen Keller fell down in the woods, would she make a sound?
Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's a woman! no seriously why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's dead!
Have you seen a picture of Helen Kellers dad? Neither has she!
how did helen keller burn the side of her face? she answered the iron. how did she burn the other side? they called back.
what did hellen keller's room look like? she didn't know either
what do you call a tennis match between helen keller and stevie wonder? endless love
why does helen keller wear tight pants? so you can read her lips!!
What was Helen Kellers favorite childhood game? Musical Chairs
Whats Helen Kellers favourite movie? Around the Block in 80 days.
If helen keller were psychic, would she call it a fourth sense?
What did Helen Keller say to the shop assistant when she knocked over a product-display in the store? Just looking!
whats the name of helen kellers new movie? silent scream.
how did helen keller burn her face? she was bobbing for french fries
How did Helen Kellers parents punish her? Stuck doorknobs to the walls.
Why cant Hellen Keller drive a car? Because shes a woman. Why cant Hellen Keller drive a train? Because shes dead.
Why were Helen Kellers hands purple? She heard it thru the grapevine.
Have you heard about Helen Kellers new car? neither has she
Why did helen keller go crazy? she was trying to read a stucko wall.
what did hellen keller get for cristmas? polio! she had everything else.
Helen Keller went to town riding on a pony she stuck a feather in her hat and called it......... uuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
How do you get helen keller to keep a secret? Break her fingers
why did helen kellers dog commit suicide? you would to if your name was mmmmmmmmmnnnnnn
Why doesnt Hellen Kellar scream when she fell off the cliff? - She was wearing mittens
why can't Hellen Keller jump out of an airplane? It scares the **** out of her dog.
Whats helen keller's favorite color? Black
Why did Helen Keller cross the road? What, like she know's where she's going?
What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well? She screamed her hands off.
How did Helen Keller breake her arms? Trying to read road signs at 40mph.
Why couldn't Helen Keller play on her high school football team? Because she's a girl
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? So she can moan with the other.
Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow? Her dog was blind too.
What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her for swearing? Washed her hands with soap.
how did Helen Keller burn her hands? She was trying to read a waffle iron
what does Helen Keller call the closet? Disneyworld
Where do Helen Keller's parents have her go when there's company over? Disneyworld
Why was Helen Keller late for school? DUI

yo mama is so ugly she put the boogy man out of business. Yo mama is so ugly she makes Michael Jackson look like brad pitt. yo mama is so ugly she looked out her window and was arrested for indecent exposure. Yo mama is so stupid it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes. yo mama is so stupid she tried to commit suicide by jumping out her basement window. Yo mama is so fat when she bends over we eneter daylight savings time. Yo mama is so fat she fell into the Grand Canyon and got stuck. Yo mama is so fat shes once, twice, three times the lady. Yo mama is so fat she uses a matress for a maxipad. Yo mama is so poor burgulars break into her house and leave money. Yo mama is so poor the building society repossed her cardboard box. Yo mama is so poor she watches t.v. on an Etch-A-Sketch.Yo mama is so poor she goes to KFC to lick other peoples fingers. Yo mama is so poor she had to take out a second mortgage on her cardboard box. Yo mama has got a major weight problem, she cant wait to eat. Yo mama is a carpenters dream flat as a board and easy to nail. Yo mamas feet are so skanky that when your family wants jam pieces, she gets yo brother to run a loaf of bread between her toes. Yo mama is like a televison, even a 2 year old can turn her on. Yo mama is so clumsy she got tangled up in a moblie phone. Yo mama is so nice, she offered me the hair off her back. Yo mama is like a golf course, everyone gets a hole in one. Yo mama is so ugly, she is so good at her job, being a scarecrow. Yo mama is like a 747, 3 man **** pit. Yo mama is like a hardware store. 10 cents per screw. Yo mama is like a a shotgun, first she cocks then she blows. Yo mama is like a door knob cause everybody gets a turn. Yo mama is like a stamp, youlick her, you stick her and then you send her away. Yo mama is like McDonalds, Billions and Billions served. Yo mama is like a railroad track, she gets laidall over the country. Yo mama is like the Pillsbury Dough boy, everyone likes to poke her. Yo mama is like Peanut Butter so creamy and smooth and easy to spread. Yo mama is so smelly, when she spread her legs, I got seasick. Yo mama is so smelly that farmers use her bath water as liquid fertilizer. Yo mama is so dirty that Saddam Hussain tried to import her bath water to make chemical weapons. Yo mama is so greasy Texaco buys oil from her. Yo mama is so greasy she uses bacon as a band aid. Yo mama is like a pirate, there she blows. Yo mama is so stupid she took aruler to bed to see how long she slept. Yo mama is so stupid, on a job appliction is said sex and she put monday, wednesday and sometimes frida. Yo mama is so old that instead of saying are we there yet from the back seat, you say is she dead yet. Yo mama is so hairy that when you were born you almost died from rugburn. Yo mama is so stupid she got locked in a bathroom and almosted peed her pants. Yo mama is so big, she trips over walmart and lands on target and every time she passes by the T.V. I miss a season of friends. Yo mama is so fat that she stepped on a airplane it became a submarine. Yo mamas teeth are so yellow that cars slow down when she smiles. Yo mama is like a fast food restaurant, Quick and easy. Yo mama is like a shot gun 5 cocks and she is loaded. Yo mama is like nascar two rubbers and she is ready to ride. Yo mama is so dumb, she brought a spoon to the super bowl. Yo mama is so bald, Mr. Clean got jealous. Yo mama is so fat the last time she saw 90210 it was on the scale. Yo mama is so fat that she shoved a battery up her *** and said, I've got the power. Yo mama is like a screen door, a couple of bangs and she loosens up. Yo mama is like a snickers bar, packed full of nuts. Yo mama is like a race car driver, she burns up a lot of rubbers. Yo mama is so fat and stupid, her waste is bigger than her IQ. Yo mama is such a *****, she interned for Clinton.

I will tell you a joke. This girl was walking on the sidewalk and she was homless. This cop came up and asked where she lived. The girl said nowhere. The cop said to get in the car and that she was going to live with him. They got home and te cop said make yourself at home, I am going to take a shower. The girl said can I take a shower with you. The cop said no, the girl said please, the cop said no, the girl said please, then cop the cop says alright, but dont look down. They are in the shower and she drops the soap. She goes and picks it up and looks up and says, What is that? The cp says that is my little man. Then they get done with their shower and the cop says he is going to bed. The girl asks him if she can go to bed with him. The cop says no, the girls says please, the cop say alright. They are in bed and the girl asks if she can play with his little man. The cop says no, she says please, and he says ok. The next day he wakes up in the hospital, and the girl is standing next to his bed. He asks her what happened. The girl say tat when she was playing with his little man that it pied on her so she bit it off. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... Now that is a joke that is worth laughing at.

A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.

"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"

"No this is 832-4823?"

"oooppps! Sorry I dialed the wrong number!"

That is so funny!!!!!!! LMAO!!!!!!
Please Pick me!!!!!!!! I love all the jokes on here!!!!!!

Answer 2

What is the fruitiest lesson?
History, because it's full of dates!

Why did the stupid racing driver make ten pitstops during the race?
He was asking for directions!

What illness did everyone on the Enterprise catch?
Chicken Spocks!

What would you call theft in Peking?
A Chinese takeaway!

What animals are on legal documents?
Seals!

Answer 3

#1: The rain is pouring out. There's a cop sitting in his car on the side of the road. This guy sees him and purposely runs a stop sign. The cop pulls him over and asks him, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" The guys says, "Because I ran a stop sign. Do you know why I ran the stop sign?" The cop, "Why?" The guy, "Because it's raining." (in case you didn't get it, the guy just wanted the cop to get wet)

#2: God asks these three guys to grab him some fruit from the garden. The first guy gets grapes and God shoves them up his butt; he's screaming! The second guy got apples, God shoves it up his butt and he's cracking up! God asks, "Why are you laughing?" Guy says, "I just saw the third guy and he got a watermelon."

That's all I can think up of at the moment.

Answer 4

Knock your socks off :D

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Answer 5

An Italian, a Jewish man and a Muslim all got to the Pearly Gates and St. Peter said, before I let you in, I have to ask each one of you a question. Each man said, "Well, that sounds okay, sure."

So, St. Peter said to the Italian man, "What was the worst Maritime or Sea disaster in human history?" The Italian thought for a minute and said, "the sinking of the Titanic." St. Peter said, "correct," the Pearly Gates swung open, music played and the Italian walked in.

St. Peter turned to the Jewish man and said, "how many people died during the sinking of the Titanic?" The Jewish man thought, wow, this is tough, he thought a minute and then said, "1,517," St. Peter said, "correct," the Pearly Gates swung open, music played and the Jewish man walked in.

St. Peter turned to the Moslem man and said, "Name them."

Answer 6

A priest and three nuns go out together to play a round of golf--18 holes. The priest is having a bad day, and he keeps missing his putts. After he misses, he says, "DAMN IT! Missed again!" The Mother Superior is shocked, and says, "Father, please don't talk that way in front of me and the other sisters. It's a sin!" He apologizes, but after each putt that he misses, he says it anyway, "DAMN IT! Missed again!" The Mother Superior finally says, in exasperation, "If you aren't concerned for us, think of yourself, Father. God will surely punish you for this!" Well, they reach the 18th hole, the priest again misses his putt, and he yells, "DAMN IT! Missed again!" With that, a huge bolt of lightening comes out of the sky, and strikes the Mother Superior dead! Then the priest and the two nuns hear a voice from the clouds exclaim, "DAMN IT! Missed again!"

Answer 7

Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because he wasn't peeling very well.

Why wouldn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have any guts!

Answer 8

Go to jokes and riddles. Good luck!

Answer 9

A women had a gun and stop a man and told him to give her his wallet and the man reply i will give you my wallet if you give me your gun,so the women change the gun for his wallet and look at him and said hey you are a dumb man cause there is no bullet in the gun so the man start to laugh and said to the women you are more stupid that i tough cause there are no money in the wallet.(old joke)

Answer 10

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you!"

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

Answer 11

a joke no offense ..lol:

A man exercise by sucking his stomach in every time he sees a beautiful woman...