How do I stop caring about what others think? My feelings get hurt?

Question

Even if I ask a question here and someone says something mean to me, my feelings get hurt.

I think its because my mom made me feel like everything I did was wrong when I was growing up.

I am 23 now and it still bothers me when people tell me I am too young to do things or if they just say something rude I take it to heart.

People say its immature of me to care about others, but like I said my mom made me doubt myself my whole life.

My husband and I plan to have a baby soon and I need to learn how to change myself for the better.

How do I learn to not care about what anyone else thinks?

Answer 1

I think some people just take things personally. I'm 33 and still do! I don't think it's a maturity thing, I think we just learn how to better cope. Can you go see a counselor for your issues growing up? That may help. The best advice I ever got when I felt attcked is, my pastor said, "Just consider the source". Are these people you depend on to define who you are? Just do your best and be ready to say, "Well, I did my best. Even if it's not good enough for you, it's all I have to offer"
Good Luck

Answer 2

*sigh*

same here. I'm a tender little ball of emotions myself. If you figure it out, do please write a book and share it with all the other people like us. Seriously, you'll be a millionare, and no one will be able to bring you down ever again.

It's funny cause I'm one of those people that goes back and forth: "I DON'T GIVE A **** WHAT ANYONE SAYS!!" then two days later, someone will say something ugly and I'm in tears.

I wear a shaven head except for a topknot, many facial piercings, and tattoos. It makes me feel more confident about myself, like I'm brazen and obnoxious. But of course, everyone judges me on that and it hurts my feelings. Go figure.

In the end, though, I do make my own choices. Sometimes I will actually consider what other people think or say, if it will actually be important. But I DO INDEED care what people say, and I care about others as well.

My boyfriend/husband/lover person says I need to just "let it go" and "not care" but I have not the slightest clue how to do this. When you have your breakthrough and understand this,

[e-mail]

and remember: the insecure chick with the topknot.

If I figure it out first, I'll let you know. We'll be famous.

EDITED TO ADD:
The dude that mentioned the book Toxic Parents is on to something. If I had the money I would totally buy that book, for myself (my parents never thought I did anything "right" either), and for my partner (his dad was an alcoholic and abused him, and it makes him all sorts of problems because of it). Good book, get it and read if you possibly can.

Answer 3

I was made to feel the same way by Mom, nothing I ever did was ever good enough for her and she would always make extremely cruel comments to me.

Over the years, I have toughened up but it hasn't been easy.

When someone says something that hurts your feelings, it's ok to briefly acknowledge it but then you have to let it go. Letting it go is the hard part.

You need to start training your mind to not dwell on these hurtful things by thinking of something positive or something that you know you can do well.

Why not make a list of your accomplishments and things that you do well and you can carry that around with you and look at it whenever you need a boost. I've done it and still do it. I know it sounds weird, but it works. It will definitely help with doubting yourself too.

Listen to some motivational/inspirational kind of stuff. I have a set of Zig Ziglar tapes called See you at the top that I listen to sometimes.

Try not to associate to much (at all if possible) with people that will bring you down. Your mom sounds like she's only concerned about herself and she must be very insecure to always be making you feel bad.

My Mom made my life miserable. I was stupid enough to let her come stay with me a few years ago, take total advantage of me, and make me miserable. Finally I just reached my breaking point, packed all of her stuff, told her to leave, and even had to call the police. Did I feel bad? Yes I did, but I also felt free of her control being that she was such a toxic person, plus I also had my daughter to think about and my role as being a good mom and doing what was best for my daughter.

That was the first time I ever stood up to my mom and I'm not sorry that I did. Someone in the family told me they were proud of me because they didn't think I had it in me to stand up to my mom.

Word of warning though, my mom hasn't talked to me since then, it's been 4 years. Unfortunate, yes, but ultimately healtheir for my daughter and I. She also quit talking to my sister for something far less then what I did, so It's her loss. I would reconcile with her in a moment if she was willing to be a real mom and not toxic.

Finally, it's not immature of you to care about others. Geez, you're 23 and you are an adult. You have to care about your husband, the baby you want to have, even your mother.

Good luck...You can do it!

Answer 4

You need to start loving youself first and understanding that you're a fantastic person. Until you get that, you're going to care what idiots say because you doubt yourself. Please don't consider having a baby until you have had some therapy, you won't be doing your baby any favors if you bring him/her into the world with a mother who doesn't like herself. You need to relearn how to be a good mother because you didn't have one (we learn how to mother by our mothers) You have already recognized that your mom's done some damage to you, so why not prevent it from happening again? That's what a good mom would do :) Really, the only answer to this question is that you must learn to love and trust yourself, so much so that when other people say hurtful things, you know without a blink that they're wrong ...and you're wonderful!

Answer 5

#1 purchase the book
Toxic Parents, by Dr Susan Forward, Ph.D.

#2 get yourself a therapist or psychologist to help you explore your emotions in a safe place, because probably you have grown up not being able to say things or express yourself without repercussions. If you think it will magically go away with time or distance from your mother... it won't. Unless you deal with it now when you are young you will have to deal with it later. Plus if you deal with it now you will minimise the effects you may unwittingly pass on to your child. You may avoid many bad situations and make better, more solid decisions and live a much happier life without the old baggage dragging you and your child down. And trust me the child will not know or care where the behaviour comes from... it will know that YOU are the source of good, bad, inconsistent and confusing behaviour and discipline, love, fear, safety... etc

I could go on... but you should read that book soon !

Answer 6

Read some self-help books?

Nuero-Linguistic Programming (for Dummies) is a good one about changing your thinking, which in turn changes your outlook and such.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0764570285/intensitymedi-20?creative=0&camp=0&adid=1WNBQ631ZRTYW12DG64Y&link_code=as1


Maybe pick up a copy of the Purpose Driven Life
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0310205719/intensitymedi-20?creative=0&camp=0&adid=1XRX23CHVFNK2Z2GVSNH&link_code=as1

Read Psalm 139:
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+139
and remember that God created you how He wanted. You are here for a purpose, and whenever you doubt yourself or look down on yourself, physically or mentally it's like a slap in the face to Him.

Also, while its commonly known for its use in Alcoholics Anonymous, the Serenity Prayer might help you too:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

How does an ant move a mountain? One grain of sand at a time, so too must you remember to take everything one step at a time. Great change comes from small steps. It will not always be easy, nor should it be (that would just be boring) the key is to keep working, never give up.

Bill Cosby once said, "I may not know the key to success, but a sure key to failure is trying to please everyone."

Good luck to you, and God Bless!

Answer 7

We are the same age, and I used to be the same way. I was a professional ballet dancer from the time I was 16, and, while I loved it, my mother eventually ruined it for me by her constant nagging that I was too fat, that I needed to lose more weight...It went on and on with her. I finally quit dancing because of her, ran away and got married. I didn't talk to her for a really long time. My husband is very supportive of me; he helped me see I am perfect the way I am. He taught me to be an ***, just like him (LOL), and I've been stronger and better ever since.

Answer 8

I believe that the best way for you to not to get so affected of what others say (especially if it's negative), is for you to learn to forgive your own mother. You said it yourself that the reason why you are feeling as such is due to the fact that you had a bad experience when you were growing up. You felt that everything you did was wrong and that it's really a struggle for you to get your mom's approval on all the things that you did. But you what? There is HOPE in your situation and it takes only a prayer away to make yourself feel better and claim on the truth that 'what is past, is past.'

Pray to God to forgive you for feeling and thinking negatively about your mom and especially yourself. Knowing that God forgives and cleanses you from any past sins, reassures you that there is hope in your situation. It is really hard not to get your mom's approval when you were growing up, but you definitely don't need to treat yourself unfairly by thinking that other people are thinking negatively about you. Honestly, you really don't know what others think and if they do say such mean and rude things to you, just think that these peolpe have their own personal issues as well. As for you, equip yourself by thinking that you are one unique person with unique thoughts. Always remind yourself of all the positive things that you are. What others say really don't count especially if they're talking negatively towards you.

I believe that this will take time. What is important is for you to forgive yourself for thinking as such. You don't deserve it. Always think that God had created the way that you ae and that He loves youe exactly for who you are.

I would also suggest that you would listen to some inspirational tapes in order to help boost your confidence and self- esteem. All of us do have our own crutches in life. But the best of it all is that, we don't need to carry them or use them ourselves. 'Cause Jesus had paid for the price on the cross and that we ae 'free' from it.

Jesus can help you be the peson that you should be. What others think don't matter. Those negative thoughts shouldn't dictate your actions nor your life. You deserve to think fairly about yourself and you also deserve to let your positive traits shine through.

Answer 9

You can't control what other people do, think, say, or feel; but you can control how you react to them. I used to be the same way, it took me a long time to realize that I was GIVING other people the power to hurt me. Just try to ignore the mean thing other people say, some of them are not intended as you take them.

Answer 10

That is not something you can learn.All you can do is ignore it.Control your own fealings and thoughts.I have been hurt several times in the past and the scares run deep.I have gotten to the point that I just don't care anymore.