Tell me the funniest thing u have ever heard?

Question

Jokes, quotes etc
( No Knob heads please!)

Answer 1

My husband walked back in to work yesterday, and asked security, if they knew what bus route was that in front of his job. They looked at him and were about to answer, when he told them he need a ride because someone took his from the parking lot they were watching with securities and cameras. that was funny.

Answer 2

I work at an assisted living home for old people and there is this one old lady who loves to sing "the hokey pokey". So I walked past her and she asks me if I want to hear a joke and I said ok. So it went like this:
"Knock, Knock"-asks the old lady
"Who's There?"-I responded
"Formaldehyde"
"FormaldehydeWho?"-I was thinking, why the hell is this old lady talking about formaldehyde, how does she even know what it is....I mean come on, she gets "the hokey pokey" and "pop goes the weasle" confused...this a little wierd...
"Formaldehydein places come the Indians" (From all the hiding places come the Indians)
So I chuckled, baffled at the old lady's clever, but odd joke and decided I would share it with my supervisor-who didn't understand it.
I went back to the old lady a little bit later and told her that my manager didn't get it and she responded, "Why do you have such stupid friends? It's a good way (the joke) to break the ice in a conversation. Some people are just hard asses!" I got through the rest of the work day with a smile that never left my face!! : )

Answer 3

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both my house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.

I opened the store and started waiting on these people, and all the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I stood up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer...and believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

Answer 4

I was going to tell you a GREAT one
But you have requested ( No Knob heads please!)
So I will tell someone else

Hey John you reading this
Guess what
I heard Tony Blair & George W Bush both got voted back in for a SECOND term
Is it true
Or am I still in a COMA and imagining this

Answer 5

It was a conversation on a past Celebrity Big Brother, between Jackie Stalone and um... the bloke who I think was in Happy Mondays - when he was trying to tell her what he did for a living. I'm afraid I couldn't explain unless you saw it ('I'm in a band..' 'a what?' etc.

Actually, on the same thing, the younger bloke when he was dressed up as an egg - 'there's no getting away from the egg'.

I would LOVE to get some clips of those. Does anyone know if I can?

Answer 6

I was watching TV last night. I saw an interesting documentary on the Ninja, the Japanese soldier. According to legend the Ninjas were warriors who could make themselves invisible whenever there was a war. Kind of like Bush and the National Guard.

Answer 7

My mother ran a daycare and she had this little boy (3 years old) that would say what ever came to his mind. One day my mom came to an appointment I had while I was pregnant, she had this little boy with her. When they called my name the little boy asked my mom where I was going. She answered that I was going to check on the baby. He asked where the baby was?? She told him that the baby was in my belly. Without heisting he yelled "She ate a baby"!!!!!!!!
Everyone in the waiting room was laughing so hard, one lady said that if she laughed anymore that she was going to have her baby!!!!!!

KIDS SAY THE DARN-EST THINGS!!!!!

Answer 8

Brave or Stupid

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds". Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your a*s, didn't it?"


He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again...

Answer 9

Pfrrrrrttttttttttttttttt.
A fart emited during a really quiet exam.
History exam i think.
Does this make me a knob head?

Answer 10

I work in a Bank and one busy day when we were queued out the door, a little posh old lady comes in and walks past everyone right up to the assistant Manager at the enquiries desk.

At the top of her voice she politely asked him "Do you mind if I get my box out? I want to stick something in it!"

Us cashiers could hardly serve anyone for pissing ourselves laughing. (She was,of course referring to her safety deposit box held in the vault)