first one to make me laugh gets 10 points!?

Question

Please keep em clean.

Answer 1

A mAn thinks his wife is hrd of hearing so he calls the Doctor-
The doctor tells the man to talk to her from behind and start far away and move closer and see how long it takes her to respond\

So she is cooking dinner at the stove -- He stands about 15 feet away from her and say "Honey whats for dinner?"

No response

He moves a little closer

"Honey whats for dinner?"

Still nothing

He moves closer about two feet away from her and says
"honey what's for dinner?"

She turns around and yells
"Pot Roast ! For the Third time , Dammit!!!"

Answer 2

Q: At lunch, what did Obi-Wan say to Luke?
A: "Use the forks, Luke."

What did the skeleton say in the hot tub?
A.I'm soaked to the bone

What did the math teacher have for dinner?
A: Pi!

What do you call a teacher who doesn't fart in public?
A: A private tooter!

What did Bruce Lee catch?
The kung flu

What dog loves to take baths?
A shampoo-dle

What kind of car do electricians drive
Volts-wagens

Answer 3

IF U GET THIS< y bush did so?
President Bush used his first veto to federal funding for the embryonic stem cell research.
However at G8 meeting reporters microphones picked up his off the record comment "Stem cells can be dangerous if people used them while driving the car"

Answer 4

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

Answer 5

two friends talking
one of them sais:man you know i just got myself a new car.....it looks awsome it has everything i need...
the other one excited says:really?what colour is it?
his friend answers:well.......you know the colour the sky is at sunset?that beautifull and bright orange?those colours that are really really awsome?
his friend answers:yes..of course.....that's the colour of the car?
he gets his answer:yep......that's the colour......the only difference is that my car is green...


*****************************************************

two cowboys walking around the farm....one of them sais:
C1:look man here's the place where i first made love to cindy
C2:ohh cool
they keep walking they find a place where the grass was down
C1:look man here's the place where i second made love to cindy.
C2:wooow
and so on....
they keep walking.they find a place where there was almost no grass...
C1:look man here's the place i first made love to cindy's mom
C2:whaaaaaat?and what did she say
C1: mooooooooooooooooooo

Answer 6

A horse walks into a bar and the batender says, "hey fella why the long face?"

Answer 7

a man is standing outside trimming his bushes, his neighbor, a blonde, walks out, opens her mail box, only to see that it's empty, and goes back inside. A few minutes later, she comes back out, opens her mailbox, only to see it still empty and goes back inside. Now the third time she does this the neighbor asks "is anything wrong?" the blonde replies, "Yeah my computer keeps telling that I have mail."

A blonde comes outside and tells her neighbor, "I'm pregnant "
He says"Congrts."
"It' s twins!"
"How do you know it's twins?"
"I bought a twin pack pregnancy test and they were both positive!"

Answer 8

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water and CAN make it drink.
chuck norris doesn't dodge bullets, bullets dodge chuck norris.

Yo mamas so ugly they put her face on a box of exlax and sold it empty.
Yo mamas glasses are so thick when she looks on a map she can see people wavin.

Answer 9

Forest Gump goes to heaven joke?
The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you." "I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this." "Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest." "But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What
days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?" "Second, how many seconds are there in a year?" "Third, what is God's first
name?"

Forest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?" "Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!" The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest! That's not what I was thinking, but... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."

"How about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve!" "Twelve!" "Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second..." "Hold it," interrupts Saint
Peter. "I see where you're going with it." "And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind." "I'll
give you credit for that one too."

"Let's go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?"

Forest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name." "Everbody probly knows it." "It's Howard."

"Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's 'Howard'?"

Forest answers, "It's in the prayer."

"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"

"The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, Howard be thy name..."

Ostrich & P**** Cat joke?
A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a P**** Cat. He walked up the the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat". They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.

Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat". He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.

When it was the Cat's turn to buy, he told them to "F*** off!"

So the man went back to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat".

The Barman was curious about this and said "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?".

The man replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish".

"What did you wish for?" said the Barman.

"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight p****!"

The best bar in the world?
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"

Answer 10

2 guys walk in to a bar

which is pretty stupid because you would think the second guy woulda seen it