I just found my father after 15yrs of not seeing him or talking to him. And now I feel guilty cause am keeping it from my mom and sister (they hate him) and I feel like he doesnt deserve to see me or talk to me. he never tried to find me .. and well he was a mean drunk when I was a kid.. he would beat me and my mom... but yet .. now I can tell he has changed... I still feel like he doesnt deserve to see me or my kids.. or talk to me.. why is that?? why do I feel like this? does he deserve that?
2006-08-08 06:48:46 · 8 answers · asked by ladalina1113 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
u are fighting a battle between ur mind and ur heart. yes, he has made HUGE mistakes in your past... and u have gone out of ur way to find him, EVEN THO he has made those mistakes!! u don't want to punish him forever. u wanted to see him, somewhere deep inside u still love him, because he is ur father. even tho u feel he doesn't have the "right" because of what he's done, there's something inside of u that feels he does have a "right" as a biological father and grandparent, and it is conflicting.
do what u feel is right....if u don't trust him NOW, to be able to change, then it's best to keep him separated. if u are afraid to bring him in and have him disappoint. but if u feel that he deserves a chance, because u see that he has changed, there's nothing wrong with that. people need to be given 2nd chances, people need to know that they can change, that they can be forgiven.... thru your hope, perhaps he can gain hope too. but ur not wrong if u decide not to see him, u have every right to be scared. just know that if u have faith and u are strong, and u teach ur children to be strong and do the right thing, know the difference between right and wrong, u will be able to observe how ur father is, and act accordingly IF he becomes bad again. but being open minded and forgiving and loving can help u grow, and hopefully help him too, as well as ur sister and mother. even if he doesn't "deserve" forgiveness, it doesn't automatically mean u shouldn't forgive.. time heals wounds, and u have ur own family and have turned out alright thru all the hardships. don't do the same thing, and shut someone out, just as he had shut your family out when he was younger.
2006-08-08 07:02:16 · answer #1 · answered by sasmallworld 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you probably feel that way because of all the time that has gone by not seeing him. i mean, you've probably heard the worst things about him since he left, and that has sank in your mind, that you can't help but feel like that towards him. i have a one year old, my first baby, and being a father is new to me, but i know i feel a new love towards my daughter that i never felt before! things are tight around that house, since i am the only one that works, and sometimes i feel like leaving it all, and living the life that's easy. but that's not the answer. and that certainly wasn't you dad's answer either, but alcohol and problems do not mix well, and maybe that's why your dad left, i don't know. my dad tells me that he loves us as much as i love my daughter,and your dad probably loves you the same way. a father's love is a love that now that i feel it, will never go away. i will always love my daughter no matter what happens, and if you honestly feel your dad has changed, why not give him a chance. just do it slowly, and see how he has changed; and if he truly is a changed person and not the "monster" that probably everyone made him out to be, why not pick up where you all left off? and if things go well, after some time, break it to your mother, but not now, otherwise she might make it hard for you to see your dad. but just do what YOU feel is right, remember, all we can give you is advice, it's up to you to make your own decisions. best of luck.
2006-08-08 07:06:54 · answer #2 · answered by bizarrorigo 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What a situation! If you do feel he's changed and are happy seeing him, then do it. You have leftover resentments from the past, and that is understandable.
You can't control anybody else's feelings/reactions besides your own. There's nothing you can do about your mom and sister's feelings.
Can you ask him why he never tried to find you? He may or may not have had any good reasons for that.
I wish I had more to say, but I guess if you feel that you want a relationship at this point then continue with it unless/until something happens to change your mind.
2006-08-08 07:02:06 · answer #3 · answered by 60s Chick 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well you said it your self that he wasn't here for you when you was growing up, you had to find him, he didn't find you. He was a drunk back then, but you can tell he has changed. Give it time as he might just be putting on a front for you. If you find out that he is real (that he really has changed), then I would tell the others that you have found him. If not, then no, don't tell them. To me he need to prove that he HAS CHANGED for the better.
2006-08-08 06:59:16 · answer #4 · answered by SapphireB 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You know sometimes you just have to let people in your family go. Its hard I know. My dad never beat me but he has neglected me and my brothers and sisters and my mom. Once we move out of the house he hardly talks to us and always lies to us. He says yeah I will visit you but he never does. My dad disappointed me one too many times and I cant and wont deal with it anymore. It sounds like you are the same way. Its ok to keep him away from your children. Now that I have a baby girl I understand this. I dont want my dad around my daughter. She has everything she needs here with my husband and I and his family. She is a happy baby. She doesnt need a negative influence like my dad around her. Neither do I. Its ok to keep your kids away from him. You dont want him hurting them like he hurt you. I am the same way with my daughter. I dont want anyone lying to her or breaking promises like was done to me. Its not about what he deserves either. Its about what your kids deserve. Your dad ruined his chances just like mine.
2006-08-08 08:40:34 · answer #5 · answered by cynthia_0516 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I say give him a chance. You said it yourself; you noticed that he changed.
Just go and talk to him; don't bring your kids yet. Feel him out; after a couple of meetings with him, and you feel its safe, then introduce him to your kids.
I know what he did was wrong, but its time to start healing those wounds.
2006-08-08 07:05:14 · answer #6 · answered by karma 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
in case you ditch your chum with the help of having sex inclusive of his spouse, then you definately can't call youself his chum. once you've better 1/2, then you definately are ditching your man or woman better 1/2 with the help of having sex with different woman. On one hand, you're saying you sense accountable, then why you've sex with her ? If the female is already married to someone, then how will you fall in love with her ? If her husband isn't treating her nicely, then its count number between she and her husband. you've not any ability to get into their relationship. in case you call your self his chum and sense for the female, then you definately could attempt to remedy the region and under no circumstances take income of the region and fulfill your lust.
2016-11-23 16:10:34 · answer #7 · answered by behrendt 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well,i guess its better to keep him away for all that you and your family went thru with him and also without him,all the childhood years that u lost because of him,etc...and so he deserves it!!
2006-08-08 07:05:17 · answer #8 · answered by country_girl 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋