Am I wrong to help my son financially?

Question

I am married to a man 18 years younger than me and my son is 4 years younger than him. My son is married and has two children 1 and 5, he also has a hard time keeping a job - but there has been much improvement in that area. He has been laid off due to lack of work and has to stay home to watch the kids during the day while his wife works and doesn't have a lot of opportunity to look for a job. He has had several interviews but no offer yet. They need help with their utility bills and my husband resents me helping them, he thinks I am hurting them by helping them financially. He thinks they will never learn if I keep bailing them out. This is a big stress in my marriage what advice do you have for me?

Answer 1

Although helping our children is something we will always want to do...Your husband is right...They will never learn how to manage their finances if you are there to bail them out...They need to learn on their own how to mange their own lives........He can get a job.....just needs a day to go out and look...Be a good mom and watch the kids while he job hunts...He has to learn to stand on his own two feet...give him that chance

Answer 2

I think that if there is a pattern to you helping your son out financially, your husband may be telling you what you need to hear.
Why does your son have a hard time keeping a job?
I think if your son is not helping himself, then you may be doing more harm than good.
How will your son hold a job when he does get one if he has no child care?
I think you need to sit down with your son, and explain to him that you really would like to continue "helping" him and his family, but it is putting undue stress on your own finances. I'm guessing that there is already an established precedent where you pay his bills when he gets into trouble. Tell him that this has to be the last time. He and his wife need to figure out how to get around their issues without coming to you.
I think you should also talk to your husband. Tell him that you are trying to do what is right. That you needed some time to figure out what the best response would be. He is your son, and these are your grandchildren, and you do not want to see them without electricity, etc. Tell him that you can see his point, but that it was a decision that you needed to come to on your own, and you would appreciate any efforts he makes towards showing you that he has faith that you'll make the right decisions. Fighting about it isn't going to fix it.
Good luck

Answer 3

Speaking as one who started bailing out my sister (4 children, job problems) a long time ago, I know how hard it is to not help. But, I learned the hard way that your husband is probably right.

In your place, I'd probably tell your son that you will continue to help for a little longer, maybe 2 or 3 more months, but that after that you will not. Give him a definite date. If you can, maybe give him a little extra help for those couple of months so he has a cushion. Tell him you love him and that you are not trying to be cruel, but that you have to be able to keep your own life in order; that the strain of continually financially helping him is taking too much of a toll on your marriage and well-being.

If he argues, or keeps asking for money, you can pretty well take that as proof that your husband is right. Hopefully, your son and his wife will make whatever adjustments they need to meet their responsibilities. Your hardest job will be sticking to your guns.

Otherwise, based on my own experience, I can tell you it will likely never end. Worse, your grandchildren will grow up thinking it's ok to ask other people to pay their way for them. Good luck.

Answer 4

I think that your husband has a good point BUT that doesn't mean not to help at all maybe not in a direct way but through buying some stuff for the kids like gifts and so on ... am sorry to back up ur husband but the man is right and ur son needs to make all the possible way to find a job
Best wishes
♥

Answer 5

Although he is your son and you probably feel good helping him is it a good idea. I can see a couple of times but when you start enabling him so that he knows all he has to do is let you know he's short on cash and you come through each time I think can be dangerous. Your husband can perhaps relate to this son as he is close to his age and so may be aware of what is going on in his head also.

Maybe next time he's short on paying bills you should just acknowledge this fact and say what a pity it is. At this time you may also want to let your son know that there are plenty of jobs out there that are there for the asking. The one's that people think, sometimes, are below them. Like working the cash register at a local corner store etc.. Tell him until he gets some interest from his resume he may have to resort to lowering his standards if he wants to keep up to date with his obligations to creditors and people he owes.

Best of luck to you with your situation. I know it is very hard to say "try helping yourself" when a loved one is in trouble financially but sometimes it is necessary.

Answer 6

Hes your son and if he needs help you want to be there for him. The other side is that yes, after you have payed the bills once they are going to keep expecting you to bail them out all the time. Start making your son sign IOU's, and give him a date in which to return the payment. And if he hasn't payed back the first loan when he asks for the next tell him your sorry but you cant until he pays the first. Its called tough love, your son is going to have to learn to fend for his own family! A job is a job no matter what he does in it. It pays the bills.

Answer 7

Helping your grown children once or twice in extreme situations is usually fine but helping them out all the time does more harm than good, Ive seen it in my own family with my brothers. Both have had alot of help from my parents and in-laws. Guess who is doing better ? Me, the youngest and only girl, My husband and I have never wanted help form our parents and had nothing for years. But we learned how to manage money and the difference between a need and a want.
Also, your marriage should come before your children.

Answer 8

Communication is key in a relationship. Without knowing fully what is happening. I can only give limited advice.
My answer is this. If your son and wife are good, loving, clean, and family oriented people, then I believe you should do whatever you want to assist them as long as the assistance is in no way a detriment to your own livelihood.
As to Why your husband thinks differently, I do not know, unless this is not his child, or he is trying to control you. I am unsure.
Follow your heart.
If you have a good family, then riches are more than monetary.
Good Luck!

Answer 9

Husband 18 yrs younger? I hate to sound cynical but is he just afraid that your son is getting the money he wants?
Not all of us are great at making money, sometimes circumstances, personalities, and or lack of coping skills make it difficult. My dad is loaded and would not help me and my daughter out if we were homeless. Your son is lucky to have a supportive family. Do the super rich send their children out on the street and say make it on your own. Why is it OK for them to get support from their parents, but not for the rest of us?

Answer 10

You could help them out other than financial. You could watch the children while he goes out looking for a job. Helping once in awhile is okay, but if it becomes a habit, they might as well be living with you.