How do I go on living when my mum is a threat?

Question

I am 34 yrs old, married. When I was 10 my parents got divorced and my mum was already taking sleeping pills and til' today, she has not stopped. She is also a compulsive gambler and her bf (the man she thought she would marry when she left us) supports her. For the last 24 yrs til today, I have had to deal with my mum's verbal abuse, attempted suicides and emotional blackmail. She blames us for her "misery" - she doesn't work except gamble while we slave ourselves. I do not deny she has a very lonely life though. Back in 2001 after not living with her for more than 20 yrs, I asked her to stay with me, hoping that a family environment would change her. But NO! Things got worse! 3 mths back she threw bricks at my hse and before that, she did the same thing at my dad's hse. She has called me prostitute, cursed my sis & I to die, etc. I can't believe all this is still happening. I have worked so hard to be whr I am today but am so down and have thought of emigrating but it's tough. Help.

Just today my mum sent me a horrible txt msg threatening me she will come to my office (to tell the world how I have mistreated her), that my husband is gigolo who gives me good "service", etc. This is not the 1st time and everytime I get this kind of text msg, I feel so down and helpless. I have a degree and know I am great at my work but why do I have a mum like this? My sister may be leaving for Dubai for work with her bf soon. She too thinks my mum is the biggest problem in our lives. We do not deserve this kind of abuse and treatment, esp. when we have tried so hard to work things out with her ... but she never appreciates them and instead, just goes on to curse and abuse us ..

Answer 1

Avoid her

Answer 2

The biggest thing a person can count on to hide behind is themselves.
Your mother has hid her true self for years and hid behind her gambling and sleeping pills,she probably doesn't know who she is anymore or even how she got to the place she is at.
Your mother has formed a barrier around herself and the only way for her to communicate is to be on the defense and hostile towards the very people who care about her.
She probably hasnt had much luck in her life and has developed the 'sod it' way of thinking and this includes her friends and family.
Your mother knows how to pull your strings and control how far away she is willing to let you go(by blackmailing you)this is a typical trait of some one who has no self worth or trust.
You are not a verbal punch bag for your mother to verbally beat whenever she feels like blowing off steam,and i imagine you have stood up to your mother but got bogged down with verbal abuse.
It is not fair for your mother to put this on to you and your sister,and in order for you to stay sane you need to get either away or out of this situation.
Your mother obviously has serious personality,medical,and emotional problems.
This doesnt give her the right to abuse you though.
Your sister is moving soon and this is going to be a massive burden on you.
You need to make sure that you and your life are both in order and you are healthy and safe.
You wont get any of these things while you have your mother around you,im not saying eliminate your mother out of your life.
What i am saying is
As long as you know you have done all you can and know that if anything ever happened to your mother that no-one could ever point the finger and say you didint do your bit as a daughter then you have given more than enough to this chapter of your life.
You are obviously at the end of yout tether and i really do advice that you put your mother at arms lenght.
Your mother is at a cross roads in her life that only she can put right,this does not give her the right to abuse you and you dont deserve it either.
In order for you to stay level headed you need to get yourself together and you need to give your mother the space that will help you both.
Good luck

Answer 3

There's no reason you can't go on living..and quite well despite your disturbed mother. As you stated, you are 34 years old. Stop living for her approval. You're never going to get it and you don't need it. Block her text messages or delete them without reading them. Change all phone numbers. Divorce yourself of her altogether. You have chosen to "deal" with her verbal abuse, attempted suicides (which are just for attention) and her emotional blackmail. Call her bluffs. The only harm she can do to you is what you allow. If necessary, obtain a TRO (temporary restraining order) and if she violates it, call the police.

She needs the kind of help that you can't give her. She is not your problem. You've done well inspite of her. You are strong. Advise your sister to do the same things I've advised you to do. Cut her out of your lives and cut off all communication with her. Return all mail from her "Refused" and unopened. The worst that can happened is that one of her suicide "attempts" actually succeeds and she's out of your life forever. This would not be your doing but hers. You would not be at fault and perhaps she would finally be at peace.

Don't allow her to continue holding you hostage. Stop being a victim and take control of your life!

Answer 4

Just remember one thing it's her and not you. It seems that your mom has an undiagnosed mental problem. Stay away from her. I know what it's like. On a daily basis someone is putting you down. It shows your mom has no respect for you and that she is still treating you as if you are 12 yrs old. It harms your confidence in being a wife and mother to your children (if you have any) Sounds like your sister has the right idea traveling to Dubai. You need this toxic energy out of your home. Your husband as close as he is too you sees your mother disrespecting you. It rubs off on him also. If you have kids yourself than get away from your mom and her verbal abuse. Get help for your depression. Just let your doc know. Plenty of people get blusey at times and taking your own life will do no good. I know you are calling out for help but let someone know like your sis or a doc for sure. Even though things appear not to be going well it's nothing that a couple days can't take care of. It is a huge wake up call especially to your hubby when your doc wants to keep you overnight for the depression your experiencing. You can't afford to be around toxic people at this time. If your mom comes by the job call the police or better yet get a restraining order. She will sort out herself. Things will come together for you I promise. They did for me. You need to be a little selfish your too nice.

Answer 5

Sick sick sick lady. Be VERY glad you got better genes from your dad! It's hard, but you MUST NOT give her actions or comments ANY credence. I know because I've been there. She's your mom, she must know right? NO! WRONG! You are not her, you won't ever be her, she is way out of control and it's easier to blame YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE than herself. She may never take responsibility for her own actions, but that doesn't mean you have to listen or expose yourself or your family to her. Who cares if she comes to your work...honey she will make a complete *** of herself if she does, you can have the security or cops come and remove her, and don't worry that it will reflect on you...just shake your head sadly and say something like "sorry you had to be exposed to that folks". Buck up sweetie, you've done really well, be proud. She is going down a road that's going to get progressively more lonely as she alienates people. Her choice. And it's not your job or responsibility to save her...you can't. I know from experience.

Answer 6

I am so sorry to hear about what you have been going through. It sounds like hell. And you know what? you really don't have to. This abuse and believe me it is abuse, has to stop.

Your mother has emotional and psychological problems and needs help. You and your sister have taken enough, and if this continues then you will end up having a breakdown and that's going to have an effect on your child, and husband.

Talk to your local social services, tell them what your have been goig through. Explain to them the problems which yourn mother has. she is in need of counselling or psychotherapy or perhaps medication as well. Has she ever been diagnosed? She sounds as though she could be schitzophrenic or bi polar. This is not about labeling her. It would be for her own good if she were fianlyl diagnosed and received treatment for her obvious emotional and mental problems.

If she had a social work and counsellor assigned to her your problems and the considerable emotional strain you have been experiencing would greatly diminish.

Sounds like you could do with a break, a holiday. Don't let her be the one who makes you go to Dubai or anywhere else if you don't want to. Running away will not help.Go theee, only if you really want to and feel it will enhance your life. Perhaps a chance of scenery would do you good. Your mother has to learn to deal with her own problems. You've hear the saying 'we have to be cruel to be kind' ..well for your own sanity take that advice on board and look after yourself. Good Luck!.

Answer 7

Lawyer time...police report time....order of protection needed...Look, she gave you birth but that doesn't mean she has a right to abuse you...and guess what, you have given her that right. Yes you have. YOU!!!! Why? You allow her in your life and home and you knew what she was/is. CUT her off from your life, oh yes, yes you can. You love her? Really? Out of obligation? Because you thought that's what you are supposed to do? Don't you have any self respect or love for your husband's safety? By the way, tell your boss privately that your mother is suffering psychotic episodes and that if she shows up at your work to have security call. If you wisely get an order of protection, you Can give a copy to your boss and then if mom shows up, the police can be called. This woman doesn't love you or care about you. I think you really need to find out why you feel all this guilt and responsibility toward her....so you can see you have been totally used, totally played for years, it is up to you and only you to end this nonsense, otherwise, you have only yourself to blame.

Answer 8

First off.... your mom is an adult, so stop treating her like a f*ckin' kid!!. Cut her off and go on with your life. She is immature, irresponsible and will not change (especially if there is nothing to lose). She is your mother but she obviously doesn't care about her kids much, if at all. I'm sure this is also hurting your relationship with your spouse and that's much more important than a childish mother. Do yourself and your mother a favor and just cut her off completely. If she really cares then losing her kids should cause her to change her ways...right? Or just keep taking the abuse and let it run your life like it has been for so long. If she really wanted to kill herself then she'd be dead by now, trust me on that one. She just wants the attention and you're giving it to her. It's about time you had some peace in your life.

Answer 9

You really must cut all ties with her. You can do this without feeling that you have let her down, she is letting you down big time.
What would you do if a friend acted like this?

You can pick your friends, but your family are an accident of birth; it is for you to rectify matters, but only you can do this.

Spiritually speaking, you are entitled to do this too, for everyone is ultimately responsible for their own actions, if your mother drove you away, then it is down to her, if it was you in the wrong you would have left long ago.
I bet you feeled very drained and tired after a few minutes in her company; thats the negativity feeding of your energy.

Do what you must do.

love and light
M

Answer 10

The answer is hard for sure.. but simple.

Some times in life we just have to sever the ties.
I had a similar problem with my father. I cut him off 13 years ago and never looked back. I had to move out of state, change my address, and be careful not to let my personal information out there.. but he now has no clue how to find me.

Thing is.. I know RIGHT where he is.
That's almost as important as severing the ties. Knowing where they are so you can be in complete control of the situation.

Answer 11

Your mother needs psychiatric assistance, plain and simple.

The only thing you can do, at this point, is tell her she is ill and needs help. If she refuses, then you have two choices: first, you could forcibly commit her to an institution to force her to get help - and that rarely works, or cut her out of your life completely - get restraining order if you must. Immediately get her out of your house. Tell her she is not welcome until she gets help; if that is never, then that is never. It's an unhealthy situation all the way around.