Do you have your kids' friends clean up?

Question

My kids (ages 5 and 3) had a playdate yesterday with a 6-year-old friend. The kids had fun making mud pies and playing fort. Muddy toys ended up scattered all over the yard.

When it was time for the friend to go home, I gave the kids a 5 minute warning that it would be time to clean up and then friend would have to go home. In 5 minutes, I said it was time to clean up and gave specific directions of what kids should do to help clean up.

Kids kept playing. Despite several different approaches I took, kids did very little and complained a lot. The friend was the lead instigator of the complaints.

I got mad at my kids and scolded them. I walked the friend back across the street and told her that I expect her to help clean up when she comes to play, but did not force her to help finish the clean-up.

After friend was gone, I gave my kids a big scolding.

What do you do when kids' friends come over? Are they responsible to clean up at your house? What do you do with other people's kids

Answer 1

Yes, I expect my children to clean up when they go to visit and I expect their friends to clean up when they come here.

Now in reality, the other parents will often say my kids don't need to help and if they insist, I let it drop. At home sometimes, if the mess is not large or I'm ready for the visitor to go home (LOL) I will say it's OK for the visitors not to clean up...but then I help my children because I don't think it's fair for them to get stuck w/the work if I let the visiting kids off.

5 & 3 yr olds can't clean up independently though. I can't tell from your description, but that sounds like a pretty overwhelming mess for any child, let alone preschoolers. I'd have stood over them and told them *specifically* what each needed to do. Plus, I'd have had to help them as well so that they stayed on track.

Complaining would have initially been handled cheerfully (I understand you don't want to clean but that's the rules at our house!) and then more seriously (If we don't clean up nicely now, we won't make any more mudpies ...or we won't be able to have friends over to play again--if you are willing to back it up). For that age, making it a game (who wants to use the hose to spray the toys? who can throw the trucks in the basket?) usually works better than nagging but you really do need to supervise.

If the friend refuses to help clean, I still make my kids clean and the friend sits and watches them. Boring for the visitor and reinforces my expectations to my own kids. At this point, my kids know they shouldn't make a huge mess when friends come because they will have to clean so they make sure their friends play nicely rather than trashing everything. They also choose not to play often with certain individuals who never help clean up.

Next time the same child comes, remind them beforehand they will need to clean when they are done. Also check periodically and have them do mini clean ups...if they are done with the trucks, put them away before they get out puzzles, etc. That keeps the chore more manageable when it's time to go home. And remember they are very little and need hands on supervision to be successful. "Clean up" seems obvious to adults but they need specific directions and an example to follow at this age.

Answer 2

To make the next playdate better, when the friends come over explain to them and your children at the same time, that whatever they get out to play with will be their responsibility to pick up afterwards.

If you have a small portible kitchen timer, that helps when it comes time to clean up. Since these are young children, you will have to supervise any cleanup by staying in the area.

Sometimes at that age you may even have to help clean up a tad. It's normal for a small child to see a load of toys as overwhelming.

You were right to give them a 5 mintue cleanup warning, sometimes you have to do it more than once just to get them prepared for transistions.

when the warning time is up, tell them that the timer is set for 10 mintues (or however much time you want to give them) If need be, assign them specific areas to clean up. If the friend starts to complain, remove them from the play area away from friends, make eye contact, and explain to them that these are the rules of the house. If the rules are not followed then there will not be another playdate.

When I was teaching preschool we took the child's hand and "helped" them pick up the toys (usually under much protest) Since this is a friend's child, it will depend on how close a friend the parent is to you. If you don't feel comfortable taking the child's hand and helping them, then talk to the parent about the child's behavior and how to better handle the situation next time.

Answer 3

When my friends kids come over (ages 7 & 4) they help clean up when they are all done playing.

If they continue to play then tell them if they do not start cleaning they will not be able to have a play date like this again. Start picking up some of the toys to let them know that you serious and stand there until they start doing it.

It helps that the kids have known me since the oldest was 2.

Answer 4

I have just a daughter but i join in on the cleanup everytime she's finished playing with her toys of if she's finished playing at the beach making her mud pies and sand castles .. instead of giving her a hard time for not cleaning up ..

In our mind we tend to be upset because we feel that the child is getting influenced by a third party .. and thus anger settles in but in the mind of a child they think "well why should i be the only one cleaning up" i'm not saying clean up all of it but share the workload and your child will learn to do the same slowly .. patience is not just recommended but rather required for us parents ..

As for this playmate .. i know this is going to sound harsh but if the playmate would like to return to play with your kids she's going to have to understand the rules prior to entering .. if she STILL doesn't want to listen to you then i suggest that child doesn't return until the lesson is learned ...

Answer 5

Did you offer to help them? Get involved in anyway besides being an overbearing parent? At that age, cleanup has to be fun, not just a demanding chore. You can get them to help you clean up, but you can't expect kids of that age to take that much responsibility. Getting all the kids involved, even the ones visiting, in clean up is a good idea, but don't blow your stack if you end up doing most of the work.

Answer 6

Absolutely responsible! At the age of 6 they should be learning some social responsibility! What you should have done was tell the brat that she will NOT be welcome again if she doesn't help clean up the mess. And tell YOUR kids the same thing....then carry through!

You should have also had a little pow-wow with the parent and told him/her what you had told their child and that you would expect the same if it were your kids visiting over there.

There's no easy way around this, except to suck it up and clean up the mess yourself, and frankly NOT a method I would approve of!!

Answer 7

I would have them clean up, if they made the mess, they should clean up to the best of there ability. I would think that the friends parents would ask the same of their kids friends. My little guy and his friends have to clean up there toys before they move on to the next thing. Brib them with cookies when friends are over.

Answer 8

I tell all the kids to clean up. If they dint, my kids will be responsible for cleaning up after friends leave. I tell them if they don't want to have to do it all by themselves, tell their friend to help. 3 is a little young but by 5, they are old enough.

If the friend refuses to clean up, I wont have them back for awhile and I will tell them why.

Answer 9

I ALWAYS MAKE SURE MY TWO BOYS MAKES FRIENDS WITH KIDS THAT NOT TOO MESSY....I DON'T INTEND TO BABYSIT FOR FREE IF THE FRIEND IS ANNOYING!!

I CHOOSE THE CHILDREN THAT THEY PLAY WITH...IF THE PLAYMATE IS HARD TO HANDLE I SEND THE PLAYMATE HOME.... MY BOYS HAVE EACH OTHER TO PLAY WITH I DON'T NEED EXTRA WORK!! MY YOUNGEST SONS FRIEND ARE WELL BEHAVE NOT TOO MESSY OR TOO ANNOYING!

I ALSO LIMIT THE AMOUNT OF TOYS THAT THEY CAN PLAY WITH .... PLAY STATION AND WATCH MOVIES NO MESS TO CLEAN..LESS STRESS... AND EVERYBODY CAN PLAY TAKE TURNS....I ALSO PULL OUT THE SLIP AND SLIDE ON HOT DAYS...

MY BOYS ARE 7 AND 14.

Answer 10

At that age, you are going to end up doing most of the clean up, but it is appropriate to give them each a couple of things to pick up.