How can I tell my dad to stop talking about it?

Question

My dad happened to split up with his wife a couple of months ago. Their marriadge didn't last a year, and he's been pretty sad and confused ever since. We live together now and things are going well. However, he talks about his "wife" (they aren't divorced yet) way too much. Like I said, it's been 2 months already and there's not one day he won't talk and talk about it. I told him once he should try to get over it and stop talking about her and their problems, but he didn't seem to even try... I don't wanna be rude, and don't wanna hurt his feelings, I know it's been hard for him.. but how do I get him to stop talking about it, at least to me? I'm tired of it...

I know some of you may be thinking I'm selfish and don't care about him. I've been there for my dad all the time!!! He got divorced from my mom after 22 years of marriadge, and I moved in with him, just to support him. He got married again a year later, I took him into my home after he split up. I've listened to every single word he has to say, but sometimes is just too much. Going through my parent's divorce was too painful, and now being so involved in his problems with another woman makes me feel bad. Is not ALL about me, I know it, and I listen and try to help, but I'm human and I also have my own problems... sometimes I feel like it's too much to handle! All I am looking for is some advice to make him get over it, so that not only I will feel better but him too, of course. I'm 22 years old, and yes I've been dumped too, I know how it feels. In fact, I'm grieving myself. All I want is for us, both my dad and me, to be happy and be able to spend more quality time together.

Answer 1

The best answer I can give is...have some patience. He's obviously still not over this yet, and 2 months isn't that long...but it will get better, especially after things are finalized. Until then, try to change the subject...get him to talk about something he likes, look for something that you and he can do together, something that will take his mind off of the divorce. Guys have feelings too, and it's obvious that the split has hurt him...that's why he's talking about it so much. You can't just turn off feelings that quickly, especially after only being married a short time...he thought that this would last a long time, and it didn't. It hurts. Think about how bad you felt when your first crush never panned out, or the guy you loved dumped you, etc...then multiply it by 20. So be there for him, and try to come up with ideas of things to divert his attention...he'll be better soon, I promise.

Hope this helped.

Answer 2

Different people deal with breakups differently. You don't mention how long they were together or why they are breaking up, but both are major factors in the healing process. Honestly, I would expect it to take a minimum of 6 months for him to "get over it" as you say. And even there, it's still hard because if they are separated but not yet divorced (most states require a certain period of time of separation before you can be divorced) then he's still going to be trying to cope throughout the whole process.

The best advice I can give you is to talk to him about it. Tell him that you are sorry he is hurting so much. Also tell him that you don't really feel too comfortable constantly talking about it. Even if it's a lie, tell him it's too soon. If he does continue to talk about it all the time, find any opportunity to change the subject. As an example, if he talks about some movie that they used to watch together, start talking about another movie that has one of the same actors. It is a natural change of subject and may help to drive the point home.

Answer 3

Like you've never been dumped. I'm sure you talked about it for a long time too. He has been there for you, so you should return the favor for him. Stop being selfish. He is in a committed relationship with her. I know it took my dad about 2 years to get over my mom, but once he started dating again and found my step mom, things started looking up for him. Let him have this, and the next time you are dumped and are always talking about him/her just remember that you didn't want you dad doing the same thing. Try to hold in all of your feelings, then see how you feel.

Answer 4

The marriage probably means more to him than he thinks anyone can understand. I can understand why you wouldn't want to participate in a conversation about his marriage with him.
My parents got a divorce after 27 years of marriage. I'm 35 now, and I still have to hear my Mom gripe about my Dad, and attribute everything that ever goes wrong in her life back to her marriage to my father. So, if you figure out how to shut him up, clue me in!
Just kidding. No, I'm not. Really, let me know!
The end of a marriage is like a death. There is a period of time where you mourn it's passing. Your Dad will get over this. I wouldn't think it's a good idea to discuss your divorce with your kids, but it apparently happens all the time.
Try telling Dad that you are sorry that he had to go through this, and you're happy that he feels that he can talk to you about it, but that you think his situation might be too adult for you to actually be able to help him with it, and there must be someone more suited for these discussions. I guess if it doesn't work, you just need to restate the obvious until it does stick.
I think he's looking to gain some sort of approval from you. Like, to hear from you that you don't blame him, or that the divorce isn't his fault, or that you still think he's a good Dad. I don't know. Usually people talk about one thing over and over because they need you to tell them that they did the best they could. Figure out what he needs from your conversation. Heck just ask him. Say "Dad, when you talk to me about your "wife", what are you hoping I'll say?"
You could always try the artful change of subject. So and So's Mom had to go through that you know what she did....., and oh you know that reminds me that she used to make the best lasagne.
Good luck, I think he'll get over it after a while, it takes time.

Answer 5

Tell him that you love him and you want to help him if you can, but you are still his daughter, not his psychiatrist. If he has an adult issue that he needs resolved, then he needs to approach another adult to discuss it, not his child. Tell him that you feel uncomfortable discussing his relationship and then let him know that there are lots of other things that you two can talk about that are more appropriate for a father-daughter relationship.

That being said, he is very hurt and does need someone to talk to, so you might want to help him find someone (support group or close friend). Then, be supportive whenever you can and keep bringing up the things that make him happy and get his mind off of her. But, until they are actually divorced, this will continue for quite some time.

Answer 6

Well, I hope you never have to go through a divorce and need someone to listen to you. Divorce is hard and has the same reactions as death. If she died, would you expect him to get it over it in 2 months? No. And since the divorce is not official yet, he might still be clinging to hope. Once it is official, you can expect the process to start all over again. Just because they weren't together but a year, doesn't mean he didn't give all of his heart to her. Try to put yourself in his position and be a little more sympathetic.

Answer 7

Tell him again. Sit him down and talk, no yelling. Wait until he's in a receptive mood, then tell him that you're very proud to be a part of him as well as your mother and that it's ok if he feels the way he feels about her, as that's something he likely won't change. But tell him that you are just as much a reflection of him as you are of your mother and by saying nasty things about her, he's saying those things about you. Tell him you'd consider it the same way if the tables were turned and Mom was spewing bad things out her mouth about him. I hope that helps. Good luck to you.

Answer 8

You need to stop whining and be there for your Dad, it's obvious that he must have really loved this woman. Have you ever been in love with someone? I mean truly in love, so much that it ripped your heart out when things didn't work out. That's how your Dad is feeling. Give him time. Time heals all wounds. It's easier for you to say get over it, you're younger finding someone should come easy to you. Your Dad is older, and finding someone else at his age is hardier. They're either already married, divorce and bitter, or totally career focused and have no time for a social life.
So just be there for him!!!

Answer 9

Dear AnnC,

Sometimes people need to talk about their problems - nobody with a heart can just "get over" a marriage of a year, especially if he was truly emotionally involved with her.

You might suggest a counselor, pastor, minister, priest (if he's religious), or a vacation with a bunch of guy friends (if he has some). Or, you might consider just listening and putting up with it, since he's your father. Two months is a very short time to deal with an emotional trauma.

-j.

Answer 10

It sounds to me like you are a very caring daughter. The answer to your problem is patience though. Try to understand him. He probably loved his wife very much and there are people who do not get over other people easily. He must be still in love with that woman. I think you should just try to change the subject whenever he starts talking about her. The first thing though is to talk to him about your problem. Ask him to tell you everything once and you should suggest something to him (i.e. take a vacation with his friends) and then tell him that it bothers you when he starts talking about her. Good luck.